Name changed but been on here for a long time.
I've done something ever so stupid and I am so confused. I am not sure what I want from this post I just need to write it.
So about a year and a bit ago me and my partner moved to a new town-I had a work offer. Partner wasn't keen but was okay with it. They got sick of it and moved back. We had lived in a house share prior to this. A house share in a house I own-I rented two rooms out and we lived in the other. Partner is now back there.
Anyway since partner left I have been lonely and fed up, quite depressed and down. I have phoned partner expressing this and was told they didn't want to hear it 'shut up I'm going' 'stop having a go at me' 'I was unhappy don't make me feel guilty' etc.
Anyway I am glad they're happy. That's not the problem (and they are now, and weren't while here-fair enough).
We've sort of split but are acting pretty much the same with one another since. We visit one another, spend time together, sleep in same bed.
I freely admit I like a drink-we often went out to parties, we're in a community where It's the 'norm' our kids are grown however It's very rare I go beyond feeling a little bit drunk and thinking 'yeh maybe time to go home'. Partner isn't a problem drinker either.
Last week we went to see an event and we were both a bit tipsy when a friend asked to join us. I wasn't keen because I was tired and tipsy & would have rather ended the night there but I had missed said friend so said okay and we stayed out longer-went to a party we knew was on.
All was fine (don't get me wrong I wasn't like, slurring and stupid just a bit beyond my comfort zone).
Anyway when we got home (back to shared house) something happened. I have no idea what. One reason I HATE being more drunk than I am okay with is my memory completely goes- I don't have to be intoxicated for that to happen.
But I do remember arguing with partner. And I remember partner trying to strangle me. Hands around my neck. And I remember falling to the bottom of the stairs. Only I didn't fall-partner pushed me hard and I remember crying, sobbing at the bottom of the stairs. Another tenant of the house heard and came and picked me up.
Partner says can't remember either-apparently they were trying to sort something out in the bedroom, asked me to help and I spilt my drink. They remember pushing me down the stairs but cannot remember what the argument was about-this is so stupid, we had had such a good night, had a good giggle, seen our friends. WTF happened?
The next day I was teary, emotional and anxious.
I am so lucky , the stairs in that house are steep (old terrace) and it is being renovated and with an open stair case, no banister-I could have fallen much worse. My back and shoulder are absolutely killing me to the point putting my work uniform on is agony! But I am okay. I don't know how it came to this.
Has anything similar ever happened to anyone else?
Or has anyone ever had a blackout through something like this?
I have decided to stop drinking altogether now, but I realise that isn't the real problem here. I don't know how to feel about it, I am numb in a sense I really don't understand what happened.