Did your relationship with your parents improve or get worse after having a baby?

[Ohdofeckoffdear]

Just that really

I am 30 weeks pregnant at the moment and my parents have just been a nightmare since I announced my pregnancy at 12 weeks. We had a row recently and there is a lot of water under the bridge. We weren't that close to begin with as I find them to be very difficult.

Did the relationship you have with your parents worsen post-baby or improve?

Worsened. I lost all tolerance for their shit. Now we don't speak much. It has greatly improved my life. I am not a selfish loon so I expect I will have a lovely relationship with my children and grandchildren when the time comes.

I got closer to my PILs. They are nice people.

Why are you engaging so much with them if you are not close, they are difficult at the best of times and they are being extra nightmare now? What's the point?

Cottontail - that sounds similar to me. I just don't have the patience for their shit anymore. Problem is that at the moment they live so close and my mum only really talks to me (she isn't interested in my siblings life as they have special needs). She regularly sends me messages and if I don't reply I get accused of ignoring her or sulking with her. Then I am the horrible cow. My dad just enables her behaviour. I think it's just the fear of guilt really.

They've been so controlling this pregnancy and i'm trying to go low contact. They are on such thin ice now.

My in laws are great though

Reset your frame of reference. If a horrible person says you are horrible, so the fuck what?

It is OK for her to be angry, to sulk, to mutter about you. It is OK for you to do absolutely fuck all to stop her getting in a mood with you.

I found having a baby helped me break out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Can you imagine treating your children how she treats you and your siblings? I got very judgemental. Probably too much in retrospect but, well, it was useful. It meant I didn't stand for the bad behaviour because it meant I was implying it is OK to behave like that towards your children and expect them to behave like loving, doting obedient robots in return. I do not believe that is OK. I went fully grey rock.

Improved. There were stresses in the early days but seeing my parents with my children has made me reevaluate them as parents and as people. We have never been closer and my children adore them even though they are now teenagers, regularly texting and phoning them. It is an aspect of my life that is very special and very 'right', in spite of lots of other things going wrong at the moment.

Thanks cottontail - i've been standing up to them more and not letting them control me, which is where the arguments have come from. Before i'd just try to "manage" them but they are expecting more and more of me now i'm pregnant.

They want access to my child which isn't happening.

What's "grey rock"?

A lot better. They started respecting me as a grown-up and I got much better at standing up for myself (and the baby). So after me saying a few things like "either you promise not to feed him anything but this milk, or you won't be seeing your grandchild any more", they have become excellent grandparents. If you'd told me when I was in my 20s and very low contact that in 15 years I'd be inviting them for Christmas each year and enjoying it, I'd have laughed in your face.

Read your updates. What happens if you tell them "look, I'm tired and feeling poorly with being pregnant, I don't have the energy to reply to messages more than a few times a week with everything else, and you putting pressure on me just makes me want to avoid you. Chill out or I won't want to bother coming round with the baby. "?
If she doesn't get it after that, then probably no hope, but if you haven't been blunt enough she probably will keep thinking of you as a child to be bossed. What have you got to lose?

Thanks NotCitrus - Ill' give that a go :)

In the past when i've tried getting out of things due to being unwell (genuine illness, not just me trying to flake out), i've still been expected to be the same and attend/reply. The only person that is "allowed" to be unwell in my family is my mum. She also gets into competitive misery and competitive illness.

I know that if I say that about the baby it'll be that I am so horrible, i'm so mean to her, i'm so unreasonable etc. She has a huge victim complex and that'll never change.

I'll give that a go next though

Improved. Naturally better at being grandparents than parents I think.