Typical 4 year old behaviour or time to worry?

[Jinglesplodge]

My just-turned 4 year old ds has been exhibiting worse and worse behaviour since his brother was born 10 months ago, or just before.

He's incredibly intelligent, he's able to be kind, considerate, follow instructions and generally be a really good kid.

But in the last year or so he's angry, impulsive, silly and defiant. He's arguing the toss with us at literally any opportunity. Simple things become huge battles, he's seeking opportunities to be naughty. Interestingly he's very kind to his baby brother but otherwise he'll push at any boundary we set. Bedtime is now a running battle.

He gets lots of attention. He's praised for being a kind brother. He gets time with us without the baby and regular visits from loving grandparents.

When should I worry that this could all be the onset of something like ADHD, or is this within the range of typical behaviour at this age? I'm angry with him for so much of the time but trying very hard to stay gentle and consistent. I'm exhausted beyond words because the baby is still waking many times a night. Basically I need to hear that this could all get better.

Does he go to nursery ? How is he there ?
I think it’s good to mention it to the hv see what they say.
But I think this could be connected to your new addition in the house.
It’s not just him getting the attention it’s that things have changed now and he’s probably feeling angry as to why and probably enjoyed his routine before. Do you get any one to one time with him without baby ?

He goes to nursery two days a week and behaves well there, though he sometimes starts being silly when I arrive to pick him up. In most settings he is a very engaged, helpful, articulate and friendly boy.

He gets time alone with me while the baby naps but not a great deal other than that because the baby is a breastfed baby with reflux and a cow's milk allergy so he feeds fairly frequently and I'm on my own with the boys 3 days a week.

I can understand why he'd struggle to process the change but can anyone offer personal experience of this happening and then improving? I'm nearly at my wits' end tonight.

I'm answering my own question, aren't I?! If you saw him at nursery, at a party, playing with friends or family, you'd say he was a charming, engaging and cooperative little boy. So the problem is with me and dh somehow.

It’s his baby brother! It’s still a massive adjustment and actually sibling jealously will last a long time - it’s actually quite normal to get jealous of siblings from time to time. Mine are 9&7 and get jealous still.

I remember when my youngest was a newborn, ds was fine. Then she started waking up more and moving and he would express jealously, taking it out on me and generally messing about.

I’ve invested quite a lot in making sure their relationship is generally solid - yes we still have blips but there you go “Siblings without rivalry” is a wonderful book.

Also some of this is actually normal 4 year old behaviour - bedtime battles etc. He’s not a toddler anymore so you might need to adjust your approach as he gets older.

It was only when my youngest hit the post toddler ages did I really appreciate that actually it was normal!

Parents (and home) should be a child's safe space so if he's acting up at home but not when out and about that's actually not a problem in and of itself. He feels safe enough at home to let it all out.

My 4 year old is VERY challenging right now. She has mood swings, never listens, rarely does what she is told, is silly all the time, and just generally frustrating. She's also impossibly sweet, endearing, caring and funny, and looks adorable when asleep (and at other times).

I think at this age they're developing their argument tools, their analytical skills, and their logic skills. I think it's typical for this age, and yes, this too will pass.

I remember similar when DD1 (6) was 4. She became easier when 5, and we have more good days than bad now, but unfortunately the bad days are worse.

If you want some help to work through it then How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen is a FANTASTIC book and the techniques in there really work. When we use them.

I could have written this post. Also have a 4 year old and 10 month old but 2 girls.
I contacted our health visitor. Follow the same punishment/warning system as at nursery. We have a reflection chair she sits in for 2 minutes. Violent and aggressive behaviour results in going straight on it but not listening or not doing as told gets a warning or 2. Try not to refer to them being naughty but rather misbehaving. Limit screen time. Fine motor skill activities are good for distraction and calming. Give warnings before they have to do things. You may already do this but we find it does really help.
Is he getting enough sleep? Our 4 year old started 2 very physical activities very close together and now gets tired much more easily. She also does 30 hours a week at nursery. Her behaviour is far worse when she’s tired and she’ll fly off the handle very easily so we try to cut her a bit more slack at these times. She also naps at the weekend. Today she slept for an hour and a half yet still went off to sleep at normal bedtime. Prior to starting these activities any nap would have meant a 9/10pm bedtime rather than 7pm.
You are not alone!

Sounds like a normal 4 YO behaviour along with a new baby in with the mix to make it a 100 times worse to be honest.

My 3YO and 5YO have recently turned into a pair of evil little monkeys since I went back to working full time. I know the change has unsettled them and they just want my attention. But God they are bloody hard work. I feel like I spend all weekend arguing with them and telling them off!!

I have 4 dc. They all went/ are going through this stage at 5 or 6. Yours is just getting it or the way a bit earlier!

Sounds like a normal 4 YO behaviour along with a new baby in with the mix to make it a 100 times worse to be honest.

Yy to this. Also, it’s pretty normal for children to be little angels with everyone else and revolting with Mum and Dad. It has to come out somehow, and they know that you love them unconditionally. Your son feels safe with you.

Oh and it’s harder for you to deal with because you’re so tired, and you’re also adjusting to having two children!