New school mum friend being needy and possessive, how to handle?

[Birk]

DS started reception in sept. I have a 1 year old so I’m currently not working which gives me time to take ds to school and pick him up. Started talking to a mum who invited me for a coffee and since then we went for a few more and we get on really well and she’s a nice lady. Recently she has sent some texts that at first I didn’t worry but now I think uh oh, first was like I’m so glad i have a new friend, we are stuck together for next 6 years anyway! She also has visibly got moody about me going to another child’s house for a play date, and most recently has called me out on spending more time with other mums this week than her, it’s kind of said in jest but the undertone is loud and clear. She has low self esteem and seems to worry a lot, it’s just her and her son at home so I completely see why she is the way she is with her insecurities (she has told me pretty much her life story).
Last thing I want to do is upset or offend her but I really can’t deal with needy people, it just makes me not want to see her or talk to her which is a shame as we really do get on well. I’ve never been in this position
But I’ve had friendships many many years ago that were Toxic and they made me feel like shit or guilty for things I shouldn’t have felt
Guilty about and I think that this is ringing bells of that sort of behaviour. How would you handle? Sorry for the long post and any typos/misuse of cap letters,
My phone has a mind of its own.

This is hard. You need to raise it or you’ll finish up ending the friendship.

Do you feel comfortable telling her that you enjoy her company but you’re feeling a bit suffocated?

Call her out firmly when she does it. If she texts you a passive aggressive or snarky text then shut it down. If she says anything to your face then tell her that's not ok. You have to nip it in the bud and if that means losing her friendship then so be it

I’m not a confrontational person and can’t envision myself ever saying something like what bifswif says. She is about 10 years younger than me too so I think we are at different life stages. I just feel it’s going to be so awkward at school if I say anything (although I can handle that)
What would have been a god reply to this text ‘ I feel like I haven’t seen you much lately, your busy hanging out with other mums, don’t forget me’

'I haven't forgotten you, but I don't want to forget the other mums too, they are also my friends.' If you want to remain friends with me then stop suffocating me.

How about saying something along the lines of encouraging her to find more people to socialise with too. Could you introduce her to different people.not your duty or responsibility but could be a kind way to get the pressure off you a bit?

She's not your responsibility. Sorry I'm not free next time she asks would do.

'I like seeing lots of different friends and I am busy doing X thing several times a week! We can catch up next week maybe'

Not rude but clear about your time priorities

Definitely nip it in the bud, otherwise you get to 5 years down the line & it's still messing up your life :/

Get some space between her and yourself continue to spend time with her if you like her but not every week. Invite her to group meets with other mums and hope she makes friends with the others

Thanks for the advice, I really don’t like upsetting people which is why I get sucked in to things like this. However I haven’t had this sort of situation ever. I need to back off but politely

Why must you be polite? She’s being a creepy-weirdo.

You owe her no explanation for anything, toughen up a bit otherwise people are just going to take the piss and force themselves upon you for ever.

Oh dear, I’ve been been a bit vague with her the last week or so and haven’t met up only at school gates every day. She has text me saying ‘have I done something wrong?’
What to reply? Any ideas

"No not at all" Don't get drawn into lots of reassurance and "oh sorry I've been so busy it will encourage the neediness.

Agree, I'd say something like 'No of course not, life just gets busy.'

I think I'd laugh it off, so I'd respond to the first one saying how could I forget about you! 😁 Been really busy but catch up soon, x

And the second one say "gosh, of course not, I've just been busy silly x

And leave it there.

But yeah, I have to say I'd struggle with it too and it would make me distance myself.

I agree that jokey responses are the way forward. So if she makes comments about you hanging out with other mums say "Ha ha yes I've been cheating on you with XYZ always been one for open relationships me!"

Don't do the jokey responses, they legitimise her perspective.

I'd reply saying 'no of course not but I am busy and perhaps I can't spend as much time with you as you would like. Please don't turn this into a thing, we can have a catch up next week if you like'

I couldn't be done with the dram so would drop her immediately and give her the cold shoulder, after telling her straight.

You won't be able to do anything with her tbh. The usual thing they do is demand your total undivided attention then become massively pissed off when you don't give it. They then cause a falling out and spend the next 20 years denigrating you to anyone who'll listen. They're a pain in the arse and you won't be able to reason with her as she's acting on pure emotion with very little in the way of mature, rational thought.

How you progress is up to you, but she won't be capable of being a proper friend and will be stuck in drama mode until she grows up.

Thanks for your help everyone, I totally agree and believe what you say citiesofbismuth I am just not brave enough to be blunt and I do feel bad to hurt her feelings in anyway. I replied with a, I’m really busy at the mo, December is a busy time for me, try and arrange something soon.

I have had friends like this and normally they don't take honesty well but unfortunately it's all you can be. Honest

I actually was a bit of the "possessive friend " with one of the school mums . It ended in tears, we no longer chat BUT may I add not just because I was possessive and insecure regarding our friendship but she also did and said hurtful things to me as well, and she was jealous towards me about certain things in my life. If anything good happened in my life she was never happy for me and she would act cold and rude to me !!

Another issue was my friend who she met through me ended up being besties with this said friend and I got left out ! Hence why I had some of the issues I had.

I think you should go for coffee and have a chat with her about her behaviour etc and reassure her, but tell her she is stifling you.

She might like me, have a history of being bullied and out casted so has now become insecure n a bit weird when she does have friends. Ignoring her etc will just add to her issues regarding friendships.

Good luck !