WWYD re contact between dc and half siblings after ex has been arrested?

[UtterClusterFluff]

Short story is this:

Ex caught sending messages/pictures/videos to 'decoys' of young girls and arrested.
I have said absolutely no contact between DS and ex.
I have explained to DS daddy did a bad thing and is in trouble with the police and we cannot have any contact with him.
DS was sad but accepting ultimately. Has been over 6 months now and he mentions him now and then but seems to have coped ok.
Ex's wife is standing by him. He has moved out apparently but sees his DC with her supervision.

She has asked that contact between DS and her DC be kept up. She has repeatedly questioned my decision to stop contact and tried to push me to change my mind - it has become heated between us because I fully believe he has done this. He has actually admitted it also.

Yesterday a letter came from her eldest DC in the post for DS. I've not given it to him and I'm so confused about the right thing to do here.

On the one hand I think it's unfair the siblings must suffer but they see their dad and I'm worried that DS will find this confusing when they mention stuff they have all done as a family etc.

I just don't think we could keep it separated and it could end up so messy and confusing for DS.

WWYD? Carry on No contact for all of them or facilitate sibling contact and prepare for more questions etc?

DS will be hurt in both scenario I think, I just can't see which way would be less hurtful for him IYSWIM?

I'm sorry, I have no constructive advice, but I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd be tempted to try to find some professional advice, possibly from a families of prisoners charity or similar?

Thank you TheQueen

I have spoken to two social workers and they have simply said it's my choice what happens next. They said basically if I stay no contact they won't have to be in contact with DS and I. If I were allowing contact between DS an ex we'd have to go through risk assessments and investigations etc. So they won't engage to help at this stage.

I will have a look for families of prisoners charities but he's unlikely to be convicted (Scottish Law is behind on the decoy issue) so I'm not sure if they will help at this stage.

How old is your Ds?

He's 9

How close are the siblings? I think if this were my son and his half brother I would really want them to have contact, but they are close and really love each other so it feels obviously wrong to split them up if that makes sense? I appreciate it might be different for others. Do you think your DS would mind when he is older that he lost contact with his siblings?

They are sort of close. There is a big distance between us so only saw each other a couple of times a year and would skype monthly in between.

I think he will mind but once he's older he can know the full truth of it.

I just think it will be hard for him to understand why they still see dad but he can't.

I know that it might not be conventional but have you thought about setting it up as letterbox contact, like they do in adoptions/fostering. So the children write letters to each other, with their respective mums input, talking about their interests and the interesting things that are happening in their lives.

There can be ground rules such as no discussing/mentioning the dad and you would need to read them before your son does, but it could be a way to maintain the relationship between siblings without putting your son at risk.

I think letterbox style could work but I don't know if his wife would settle for that long term.

I would of course read everything first and ask that they don't mention Dad. It is something I have suggested but she seemed to push for a full justification as to why it was all I was offering.

I have this letter here already so maybe that means she has accepted that?

I just wish I could move on and forget the whole thing but that's not fair to DS really.

Well first off you do not have to justify yourself or your parenting decisions to her. I feel like the boundaries have been blurred a little bit here. It is not her place to be pushing anything, you have not entered into a co-parenting relationship with this woman. I think that you need to just tell her that letterbox (or whatever contact you are happy with) is the only option on the table, she either takes it or leaves it. But at least you can tell your son that you tried.

You are your sons first and last line of defence, your job is to protect him no matter what. As mothers women have to bend a lot to other peoples wishes and feelings, but when it comes to the safety of your child you need to be as unbending and inflexible as it takes to keep him safe. Nobody's wants or feeling are more important than his physical and mental well being.

She is entitled to her opinion and her decision regarding her dc's are hers alone as are yours. It would be great if he can continue to build a relationship with his siblings, but she needs to work with you to make that happen. She is counting on you feeling guilty and caving in to doing what she wants. You don't need to feel guilty, you are doing what you feel is in the best interests of your child and that is all that matters.

at 9 he's old enough for you to talk to him about what he wants. You have already said he can't have contact with his dad.

However, his half siblings have not done anything wrong. I've got half siblings and I'd hate to be told that I couldn't be in touch with them for any reason. Ultimately they are family.

talk to him. Ask what he wants and tell him that whatever he decides, he's absolutely allowed to change his mind and see / not see them. Chances are they won't talk much about their dad anyway - maybe take them on organised things like cinema, trips to park etc. so that they're distracted from "difficult" conversations.

Unless the letter is upsetting I'd definitely be giving it to him.

He's not a baby. He's old enough to be consulted about his siblings and his relationship with them. He'll already be sad about not seeing his dad - don't let resentment build over his half siblings.

I'd read the letter first and then decide. At this point, you don't know what's in there, and whether the mother has dictated part of it to try and manipulate the situation. So I'd start with opening it and reading it before I decided how to handle it.

So in answer to your WWYD, I would take the letter as an olive branch and contact Ex's wife. Tell her how you were happy to hear from her child and you want to continue forward, and here are the ground rules. Do not get into a discussion with her about your decision, because it is final.

Any letters that mention their dad will be returned without your DS ever seeing them, so there really is no point in her trying to slip it in. You are only trying to facilitate a relationship between siblings, that is it. But you need to be consistent and firm in your decision.

If you don't think that you can do that then you need to ignore the letter. It will only make things more confusing for everyone if there are not clear boundaries, and there are innocent children at the other end of those letters too.

Thanks for your advice everyone.

I have read the letter this morning and it is fine. It doesn't mention ex at all so I'm going to give it to him this afternoon and get him to write back if he wants to. I will read everything that comes through first and return anything that crosses the line.

It's such a mess and these poor children are suffering for his selfish, manipulative ways.