Toddler shouting at new baby

[Roz82]

I've got a 4 month old boy and a 2 and a half year old boy.

My toddler keeps shouting at the baby to make him cry and nothing I do seems to stop him. I've tried distracting him and giving him short time outs which sometimes work for a bit but then he'll do it again a couple of hours later.

I know it's an attention thing but it's really hard seeing my baby boy so upset. I ended up having to get out of the car a few days ago and walk back home with the baby while my husband drove back with our older boy due to the constant shouting and screaming and my baby's face had gone all blotchy from crying😓

Just wondered if anyone had been through anything similar and had any advice?

Could your dh look after the baby for a while, whilst you spend some time alone with your older boy, doing something fun with him?

Oh dear, poor you, poor baby! Of course he sound jealous - does he have any ‘jobs’ to help mum and dad with the baby (heap on loads of praise for being such a good big brother)?

Maybe some special mum and dad ‘alone time’ with him when he gets to do ‘big boy’ stuff (hot chocolate) - when the other parent gets to spend 121 time with the baby.

It’s tough and I’m sure you feel like you need to punish him but I’d be wary as he may feel resentful. Reinforce that the behaviour isn’t nice/kind and that he wouldn’t want someone to do that to him and remove him or the baby (whichever is easiest) from the situation.

Keep calm! It will blow over eventually. (Says the little sister).

Oh bless. It seems really hard right now but it will get better. Make a big fuss of how much of a 'big boy' your oldest is. Get him to help you with things that 'baby can't do because he's too small'.

Get him to help look after baby, get you a nappy, sing a song etc.
Your oldest is just trying to find his place in the dynamic now but he's not old enough to articulate how he's feeling.

Thanks. Yeah will give it a try. We only normally get about 20 mins in the morning before our baby wakes up where it's just the two of us so would be good to spend a bit more quality time with him x

Being only 2 and a half it must be difficult for your eldest to have had you all to himself. And now he has to share your time he will eventually learn to love his new brother. Your eldest needs reassurance that he is a good big brother and lots of praise when he helps look after him. They will be best mates in a few years. Its just a matter of time

A reward chat might help with the 2 year old if he earns 5 stickers a day then he can have a treat ie bar of chocolate or a toy. I heard someone say they bought a present for there eldest when the new baby arrived and said the baby bought you a present cause your going to be a lovely big brother and look after him.

Oh dear that sounds stressful! I have an 18 month gap between my two and my oldest is the same age as your son.

I have found the best way to deal with this type of thing is to overly praise my oldest. I ask her to pass things to the baby or me etc and say what a kind big sister/ well done you are such a lovely big sister / Arrrh the baby loves you so much etc

I also get her to 'hold' the baby or have her on her lap etc.

As for noise we just kept doing shhh and finger on lips baby sleeping. I'd love to say it works but my older one still wakes the other by being noisy.

The thing I have now is as baby gets more mobile it raises new issues as baby keeps grabbing older child's hair etc completely innocently of course but we also mildly tell baby off so it doesn't feel one sided with the older one getting told off all the time.

One thing I have come to realise and accept is that sibling rivalry will always be there as an undertone. Naively after a great first few weeks I thought there would not be jealousy at all but of course it's something that will come & go likely through their lives. I hate how my older one snatches toys from younger and however much I try to stop it it continues. I have come to realise it won't be long until the younger one can snatch back.

First of all it's necessary to break this pattern of behaviour. Your toddler has found himself a role in your new situation. He is enjoying the power of understanding the cause and effect. I.e. He shouts and the baby cries. He is in control of a strange new situation.

As difficult as it must be it is important not to reward the bad shouting behaviour. Do not react just ignore him. Stop the car, get out and sooth the baby, but remain in your sons sight. Then get back in and distract your son with whatever you know interests him, e.g. wow did you see that huge dog/ massive truck/ flying elephant/ ? All said with masses of enthusiasm and animation. ( you might feel a bit silly at this point😀) Then find something to praise your toddler for.

Keep distracting your toddler whenever he misbehaves. Constantly look for ways to praise him. Reward good behaviour ,try and ignore bad. Let him know that virtue brings its own reward..

Would your toddler enjoy "helping" you with the new baby? I know it would make your job more difficult but getting him to feel responsible for his baby brother can help.

E.g. Saying "oh silly me I can't remember where the wipes are, whatever shall I do,?" then being amazed and thankful when your toddler shouts he knows where they are and he can find them for his brother. Then you tell the big brother how happy the baby is, " look at his eyes smiling, see how he loves you, he knew his big brother would find his wipes for him. He won't get a sore bottom now will he because of you etc." Toddlers love over expression and animation let the actor inside you come out!

It's a really difficult time. My two youngest were the same age gap as yours. It was hard work getting them to bond but they did and they are great friends these days.

It's all very natural for your toddler to feel put out. The main thing is you find him a positive role in the new family dynamic. Involve him in everything that you can reward him for. 1

I wish you lots of luck,

Thanks for the advice everyone. Have been giving him stickers when he does something nice like bring his brother a toy which be has been really pleased with. I also took him out for a couple of hours on Saturday where it was just me and him which be really enjoyed (I'm not able to be away from my baby for too long as he won't take a bottle) We had a lovely day yesterday where he kept making his little brother laugh which was so nice to see so fingers crossed things will calm down