I'm going to get my heart broken, aren't I?

[Oyaki]

I've been seeing this woman for a while now, and she's basically the human embodiment of every trait I love in this world. We have a blast whenever we're together, and then, there are those ruddy moments. For eg, we can be sitting around doing the most mundane of things, she'll laugh at a passage she'd just read, and this is going to sound so cheesy but it's like a nice cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows by the fireplace when it's -5 degrees out.

The only problem? She once told me that she can't see herself having a long-term relationship with another woman, and I don't think that has changed. What we have (for her) is just something that's fun, casual, maybe a good way to pass the days/nights. Me? I'm pretty much falling in love with her. I know, I know, I sound like a lovesick teenager that should've outgrown this long ago, but alas.

This isn't going to end well, is it? I'm such a fool.

I was in a relationship with a guy that was like this. We both wanted fun, a good time, nothing serious or long term. I went on holiday and missed him so much I was miserable. I kicked myself for falling for him.

We've been married 14 years. Turns out he'd missed me too and had fallen for me.

You never know, she may just change her mind about being long term. Enjoy it while you can, for however long it lasts. Don't morn the end of the relationship until it actually ends or you won't be able to enjoy it while it lasts.

Wow congrats iklboo!

Troels, I'd love to simply live in the moment, but it's hard. Way too often, something happens or she'll say/do something and it'll make me wonder if we're closing in on our "expiration date".

The other day for instance, we were having brunch with a couple of mates (everyone thinks we're platonic friends), and they were all trying to set her up with colleagues/random blokes they know because "it's about time you started dating again". There's also the issue where we don't really "hang out" in public but I suppose I understand that.

Guess this is just one of those days where it all gets to me.

Are you saying she's not come out and folks think she's straight?

If so then yes i think that's problematic.

Are you having a sexually intimate relationship? I can’t decide whether you are just spending time together as really close friends and you feel something she doesn’t or whether she is just not wanting other people to know she is in a relationship with another woman and you are close in a sexual way but it’s a secret.

If it’s the latter then it’s not looking good in terms of your quality of life and status on this context.

If you have mutual friends don’t they know from you?

I think yes, there is a real risk you will be hurt here whatever the answer to my first question is, especially if it’s a yes

Bluntness100, yes. She's also said before that she's "not even bi" but that we were "having a good time and that's what matters so let's not delve too deeply into things".

From a lesbian pov.... Good god run away now, the ‘I’m straight but it’s just you!’ is unlikely to end well. She’s either playing games or in denial and will likely break your heart.

I'd also advise pulling back from this, she won't admit she's gay or bi, she hides your relationship like it's a dirty secret and is quite clear with you it's going no where.

So yes, you need to distance yourself as you will get hurt.

You’re not a fool. I completely understand this situation (I’ve been there and have had my heartbroken by a “straight” woman), you need to have a conversation with her, as hard as it is you owe it to yourself, your self respect and your long term happiness to do this. The outcome may hurt a lot but you will get over her I promise (if she decides it’s not for her). Out of interest how old are you both?

Eatmycheese yes it's a sexual relationship. Those aren't really mutual friends per se. They're mostly her mates first and foremost and I just tag along for food once in a while.

Yeah I know, it's time to do something about this instead of letting it drag on and on. I'm just dreading it all, tbh. It's been so long since I've felt even half as happy as I am now (which is saying something in itself considering how sub-optimal this whole situation is), it's difficult finding the courage to walk away.

Ellegeebee, I'm 25 she's 30.

If it’s the case that she isn’t interested in having a long term relationship with you because you’re a woman but is happy to carry on using your time and affection until a man comes along then please please stop it now. I have been there and it is so damaging to your self worth, if need be then go and talk to someone about it first, maybe seek some counselling or CBT to give you the strength to deal with it. I know you think she’s worth the pain but she’s really not.

After the update I'd say forget it. She wants a friend with benefits. Thats not fair. Letting you sit there while she lets friends try to set her up is a horrible thing to do. You desere better.

Agree, after your update it sounds like she's using you. You deserve better than that.

Please stop. Unfortunately I was in this situation before approx 8 years ago and I’m now in a long term relationship and happy she’s still in denial and single !

I woildnt say she's using you, she's been clear, it's not a long term thing, she's been clear this isn't something she wishes to reveal to others, she's been clear she won't label her self as gay or bi. She's been clear she won't tell people about your relationship.

So there is no dishonesty, but the op is falling in love and that's where real hurt starts to develop.

Op, she's not lied to you. She's been clear. You are developing feelings,so you need to pull back because your wants and needs and hers will never match.

I think you have to take the not subtle hints.
Sorry, I know it's not what you want, but you are not what she wants long term of with any degree of commitment or cherishing of your heart.