6 year old and bedtime - please help!

[SomethingAboutNothing]

We seem to have got into a horrible cycle with my 6yo going to sleep at night. He just doesn't want to go to sleep, will become mischievous and downright naughty, until eventually, sometimes 2 hours later, he finally settles.

We have to rub his back to get him to sleep (at the age of 6!!) Otherwise he would just mess about until a ridiculously late time.

We are at the end of our tethers, and I don't think it is doing any of our mental health good.

Please can anyone offer some (kind) advice as to how we can make bedtime a better experience for everyone?

Bed 745, read a story, sit with her until she falls asleep (by 815).

I'm sorry, I have nothing to offer but an anecdote

My daughter is 7 and we went through this very frustrating phase, we are now the other side of it - no magic solution other than time and patience (though I understand how frustrating it is!!!)

Thanks for the replies, it's reassuring to hear others have been through this and come out the other side, fingers crossed the other side isn't too distant a prospect!

Can he not just sit on the floor, play, read or do a puzzle while you and your husband relax, until he is falling asleep?

I sometimes think that having a fixed bedtime makes children act up. If there is no fixed time they don't think about it.

I remember being like that myself (hundreds of years ago), looking at the clock and wondering how much I could spin the time out. Consequently I never did it with mine, as long as he was fed and watered and clean, he stayed up with us doing whatever he wanted (had loads of interests) and eventually he'd snuggle up, eyes would close and I'd put him to bed.

Just talking about that makes me want to do it all over again, bit late now though. It really was the best time of mine and my husband's life.

You are mad to sit with a 6 yr old!!

Set expectations, l would start at the weekend....
.do a poster with timings, and what will happen when,( get him a fun clock for his room)
Put consequences for messing around, something he will really miss...make it really clear...
Add reward for each weekend if he sticks to rules, something he really wants to do.

Run through poster in the morning, again at lunchtime and at teatime

No tecnology after 6pm, story at 7, after teeth brushing, lights out, (nightlight if need be )

If he gets up return him to bed with 'this is bedtime' repeat, repeat, repeat.....nothing else said.

Have you used a reward chart? Works for my dc. 1 star for going to bed and 1 star for staying in bed. Reminded of this before bed.

Both my dds went through this stage. It turned out that they were getting anxious because I would say something like “Good night, go to sleep now” and they felt that they didn’t know how to do that. We had to talk about sleep and I had to explain that no one can make themselves do it and it wasn’t something they were bad at, or needed to avoid.
We changed the talk about bedtime so that all the praise was for good bedtime behaviour- lying down, under the covers, head on the pillow, eyes closed etc etc. We stopped talking about sleep and started talking about rest. It really helped.
Aside from that, my best advice is that your key role between 7pm and 7am is to be boring. Really, really boring.
Good luck.

@dragongirl10 I go with this advice!

You are mad to sit with a 6 yr old
Why? I find that quite insulting tbh. Young child wants to be with parents, so you're mad to sit with child? Do you say the same if they're hurt and want a hug or are yours only allowed to hurt themselves when it's convenient for you?

Or is it only if they're scared/unhappy/anxious that they're not worthy of your time? Is this linked to your use of "mad" as an insult perchance?

My 7 year old really struggles with sleep. He hates is (regularly says so) and always has done.

We've tried everything.

For the moment, so he gets the most amount of sleep, he goes to sleep in our bed with me reading beside him. Then we move him when we go to bed.

It sounds extreme but we were at the end of our tethers and he was highly anxious and stressed about bedtime.

My 4 year old goes to bed in his own room like a dream so I don't feel like too much of a failure

My almost 7 year old does this too. She get to listen to stories podcast, and if she keeps getting up I turn it off

You’re not mad OP, there’s nothing wrong with responding to your child’s needs.

Our DS used to need someone to lie with him while he went to sleep. What we started doing was pretending we just needed to pop out for a minute (to the toilet, get the cat in etc) and that we’d be right back. Gradually he started to fall asleep on his own while we were out of the room and now age 6.5 he doesn’t need us to lie with him to go to sleep.

Have you asked him why he's doing this? My DD went through this about 6 months ago and it turned out that she felt lonely on her own so now she sleeps with all of her teddies.

I wouldn't sit and rub his back on a nightly basis though. I think every now and again for comfort is fine but when it's part of a "let's not go to bed" ritual, it's the path to madness.

Unless there's a fixable reason for this and it is just delaying tactics then I think that girl has it nailed.

PAPERATH.....Please calm down no need to be so rude!
If you sit with an older child all the time,( not a baby) to go to sleep (assuming not upset, worried, hurt) then how do they learn to calmly and happily go to sleep on their own?

Mine have been left to self settle at appropriate bedtimes since the age of 1 year old, left chatting/sometimes singing,/talking to teddies, or just laying quietly etc...never crying as they never saw bed as traumatic, but as somewhere lovely to snuggle when tired.

Now at 11 and 12 they say comments like ' l am so tired after today cannot wait to snuggle in my bed'..I still tuck them in, which usually involves laying in bed them for 15 minutes each, for a chat, giggles and cuddles to ensure they are relaxed and happy before sleep, then they are left to go to sleep on their own. Which they do within minutes happily,( by 8.15 on a school night.)

The other issue is good sleep habits make a huge difference to doing well at school, and later at work.....

Please calm down no need to be so rude!

So it's not rude to directly insult someone by calling them mad, but it is rude for them to question why you say it?

Just out of interest, what age does it no longer become "mad" to stay with them? Because at 6 you seem to think it is a no, yet it's ok to do it at 11 and 12.

I don’t think dragongirl10 meant to be rude, I don’t think it does anyone any good in this busy life to be sitting upstairs with kids every night after the bedtime routine (stories teeth and cuddles). That can take half an hour 45 minutes, after that kids need to learn to get off to sleep - and a strict routine teaches this x (different if we are hippies with no time agenda, I would say stay up until u fall asleep (as long as I didn’t hear them!!!)

My children needed me to go to sleep and tbh I loved sitting next to them. We would read a book, talk, and then they will fall asleep with me holding their hand or just being in the same room. I can tell you that 13 yo does not need me now (and did not need me for a long time) so learning to go to sleep on their own is really not a problem. They needed mum or dad at 4/5/6 but I never saw it as a problem but as time we enjoyed spending together.

PAPEWRATH

I think it is clear, when l said the op was mad l meant it lightly, it was by no means an insult.......Sitting for 2 hours+ with a 6 year old is far from ideal, as the op was saying ...

I never said that l stay with my 11 and 12 year old until they fall asleep, just a few lovely minutes to discuss anything they may want to, or just relax, then they settle themselves to sleep.
Just as l used to read stories and have a cuddle with them when they were, 6 and 7 yr old (and younger) and then leave them to settle to sleep. It was a not an issue.

If staying with your dc until they fall asleep works for you then great, but the op posted as this was not working for her.