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Original poster

Would you have a child if you were me?

18 replies

floopyfoo · 27/11/2018 19:38

Aged 30. One 12 year old DS. DS is a "challenging" child and parenting him is wonderful and exhausting in equal measures.

DP is not DS' dad. DP would love for us to have a child together.

As DS is 11, I am past childcare fees, past sleepless nights and all the rest of it. I have qualifications but have put my career on hold to a degree to raise DS.

I would love to be able to have a proper career in the next few years but I am finding myself BROODY and sad at the idea of never having a baby or toddler again.

I have a gynaecological condition and have been told that if I want more children I should be trying NOW.

What would you do in my shoes?!

OP posts:
sickmumma · 27/11/2018 19:43

Honestly I would have a baby, if you are broody, DP is up for it and time is not on your side then if you don't you will always wonder what if and you can start a career again at anytime, a few more years won't hurt.

Fuzzywig · 27/11/2018 19:43

I’d go for it.

Original poster
floopyfoo · 27/11/2018 19:50

Sorry, typo in first para. DS is 11 not 12.

It may or may not be relevant that since he's been born I've only ever been broody for about six months! The rest of the time I've always thought no way will I have another!

OP posts:

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Fridgedooropen · 27/11/2018 19:52

I would go for it. You're still relatively young at 30 and you and your DP want it.

IggityZiggityZoom · 27/11/2018 19:53

No I wouldn't. Teenagers tantrums mixed with toddler tantrums aren't fun. I'd go get your career back and focus on the child you have.

VenusClapTrap · 27/11/2018 19:57

Only you know the answer to this.

Original poster
floopyfoo · 27/11/2018 19:58

Oh god @IggityZiggityZoom I hadn't even thought of that! Shock I'd be losing the will to live...

OP posts:
EvaHarknessRose · 27/11/2018 20:05

I think if you and dp are secure, and he has the qualities of a good parent, then in your shoes I would (based on dp wanting it and you not being against it). However, is there a chance that he would do shared parental leave to split maternity leave with you, or be the one who works flexibly or puts career goals on hold for a while?

(I know for lots of people the answer would be yes but he is the higher earner - but I think this makes it an even more valid question to ask, whatever you decide to do in practice, because if he wouldn’t be willing to do this, is he really committed to having a child, or is he expecting that you will just accept the entrenched inequality of parenting for many women).

IggityZiggityZoom · 27/11/2018 20:09

If you do go ahead for love of frank get married. The number of women who see a whole new side to their partner when a baby comes along is huge. They all swear the DP showed no signs of twattery before. Sleep deprivation, hormones of a teen and a screaming baby can drive the nicest man round the bend. How will you feel if DP loves the baby more than your son because he will. How will your DS feel? I'd get your DS through GCSEs first if he's a challenging lad. They need SO much support if it's going to go well. If you have a screaming toddler having a fit whole DS is trying to revise it's not going to be pleasant and tempers will fray. I think you'd either have been better doing it before or waiting now even if that means potentially not having another. I'd value the life you have fought so hard for. A baby could blow that all up.

hoki · 27/11/2018 20:09

I would definitely have a baby! Maybe even two. You're a young woman and with a man who would like to have children.

Original poster
floopyfoo · 27/11/2018 21:02

@EvaHarknessRose good point. The trouble is, both of our jobs really require us to be in London to progress. He's already in London. I'm not, and that's what I've been aiming for in five years time when DS is 16 and needs my physical presence less. I'm just treading water career wise at the moment.

OP posts:
EvaHarknessRose · 01/12/2018 15:45

I wish you luck deciding floopy, whichever way you go.

nottakingthisanymore · 01/12/2018 16:43

How supportive is your ds father? How secure is your relationship with dp?
If you can afford it and have the right support and a strong relationship I’d probably go for it. HAve you spoken to your ds about this? You have plenty of time for a career.

constantlywingingit · 01/12/2018 16:48

If you weren't 100% sure either way, then I would do it. That's just my opinion though.

I've heard lots of times about people regretting not trying after their last. Lots of the 'oh I wish I'd had another...', 'I regret not trying for one more, but it's too late now...'

On the flip, I've never heard anyone regret any children they've had. Im sure someone will come along to prove me wrong though, this is mumsnet, after all Grin

If you and your DP are stable and in a happy long term relationship then go for it. Especially if you are broody and he would love an additional child as much as he loves yours.

Scifi101 · 01/12/2018 18:15

That's because it's socially unacceptable to voice that you regret having children.

HollowTalk · 01/12/2018 18:23

Your son will still want your physical presence when he's 16!

Are you saying you wouldn't be living together even if you had a baby together?

constantlywingingit · 01/12/2018 18:36

@Scifi101 that may be the case, but I do hear lots of people expressing their regret at not having or trying for another, and that is what always sits in my head and heart. If it were me I would go for it, but (obviously) it's OP's choice. Just chucking my 2 pence in.

flumpybear · 01/12/2018 18:47

I can only speak personally but yes I would. I have advanced more in my career since having children so don't believe it stood in my way however I've a PhD gained prior to children and great management job but can work flexibly so perhaps some of it is the flex of my job - my job choices were forged out of what worked around my family but again, didn't hinder my job advancement

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