What do I do?!

[confusedat30]

What would you do if you were unhappy and had been for a long time but knew you'd break the hearts of not only your long term partner but your 3 children too. Would you stay? For their sakes?

Depends why you're unhappy, @confusedat30. If there is a strong, solid reason as to why you and your partner aren't right for each other, then I think you should leave. If it's a non-specific, general, mid-life-crisis-type dissatisfaction, leaving could be the worse regret you ever had.

Are you able to pinpoint why you're so unhappy?

*worst

I feel like this last few weeks I've just lost all hope. We have been together for 10 years it has been a real rollercoaster and there have been more downs then ups but not completely devoid of happiness. The last 2.5 years things have just plummeted to a point where day to day life is miserable. We argue loads about silly things but we also don't agree on what we want for the future. What makes him happy makes me unhappy and vice versa which doesn't make either of us bad people. My partner has a low sex drive while I have a high one. I've always just dealt with it and realised that I wouldn't be having sex hardly for the rest of my life. I can count how many times we've been intimate probably throughout the whole 10 years. I know the exact dates we conceived our children because of it. I have always been of the mindset that I wouldn't give up. But that has suddenly changed and I don't know why. Maybe you just get to a certain point you know? We have tried counselling which were just horrendous and made me think even more that we are not compatible. Everybody says there should be compromise but how much should you compromise? I feel like I've reached an age where I just want to be a little bit selfish. Our kids are still young and my whole 20s just revolved around them, I've literally blinked and found myself in this unhappy situation. There is a lot of money involved with us which he could possibly make hell if he decided to take that approach because of bitterness of me wanting to leave. He says he's not ready yet to give up. There are also our families who are very much intertwined so a lot of people will be made unhappy if I decide to separate from him. Which means I'd be making a lot of people unhappy for my happiness which doesn't sound right? Maybe I should put all of them first? But then I think my kids would be happier with 2 parents happy rather than arguing all the time (although I feel like it would take him a long time to get there which may impact them for the worse) I'm not sure what to do. Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading.

Forgot to tag you in previous post @RedPandaFluff not sure if you'd see it without a tag, I haven't used MN before x

Ahh you poor thing. It does sound as if you're fundamentally incompatible - the point that really jumped out at me from your post is that you said you don't want the same things for the future. This, for me, would signal that the relationship is likely over as it's easier to overcome small day-to-day problems if you both agree on and are working towards the same goals.

I ended my marriage when I was 32 and it was so, so hard, and we didn't have kids so I think it will be even more difficult for you. My ex was a good person and I felt so guilty, but we've both completely healed and moved on. I met and married someone I'm much more suited to and I'm sad in a way to say that leaving my first marriage was the hardest but smartest thing I ever did.

I know you said your families are very interlinked but will they support you if you did make the decision to leave?

Thank you for your kind words. I think I'd get a lot of support from my mum and sister who I am very close to. They would probably try to get me to work it out first but I've been trying that for too long already. His family might not be so supportive and might make things difficult. I'd want 50/50 access to the kids if he wanted it too so that wouldn't be an issue, they need both parents and love their dad and his family so I'd never try to jeopardise those relationships but I know they can be spiteful and might say nasty things about me to the kids. But I'm hoping not and will just have to deal with that if the time ever came. It's such a shame as because when we got together at the young age of 19 the future seemed to be easy, a house with kids in... but now we have that what is the next step and that's why we don't agree on. It's a shame we didn't discuss that far ahead. Thanks again. I think I already know deep down what I have to do but it's just going through it all and dealing with all the guilt that will be hard xx

Don't feel guilty about wanting a happy life. We only get one.

I reckon you should head over to the Relationships board - there are threads there from people who are trying to build up the courage to make the break, and I'm sure you'll get some really good advice.

If it goes anything like mine did, you'll have moments of panic and uncertainty - but stay strong. You're doing the right thing for everyone x