Older Teenagers...advice.

[LucilleBluth]

I actually need some advice regarding my just turned 17 yo DS. I also have a 14 yo DS and a 7yo DD. He's my eldest and I'm in a bit of a parenting fog.

He's always been a pita but is loving, very opinionated. He has a girlfriend that he's known a month, she is 15, 16 in January. Friday evening, 5.30, she comes over after school (she is a very lovely girl). Cut to ten minutes later and DH hears them having sex in his room. He comes downstairs to tell me. I have a 7 year old running around in her school uniform, the house has that end of the week feel when everyone has finished school/work etc.

I know it's natural in a way but I'm struggling with it happening in my house. Having a primary aged dc is probably clouding my judgment...add the that the facts she's still 15 and I'm finding I'm really really uncomfortable with it. I have had words with him about choosing a time and place and what's appropriate etc.

We've had a big argument tonight because he wants to stay over at some random friends house of hers next week. I've said no way. Again it doesn't feel right and to be honest I'm also judging her mum a little for allowing it. It all seems way to fast,

Question is am I some super strict Victorian parent. How much freedom should he have? He's in his first year of A levels.

No no no! Not with you in the house! My DD is that age and I still contact parents if she’s sleeping over and no way would she be sleeping at a boys house. There are around 4 people who’s house I let her stay at. I’ve realised parenting styles at this awkward age vary so much that as awful as it is I’m not prepared to risk it. Too much can happen. You sound like a responsible, caring parent.

My dd is the same age but was 17 in July so has been at college for over a year, it's hard adjusting to their new freedom and when she was in school I would text other parents about sleepovers. She s just text me to say she's staying over at a boys house and going to college from his, he's just a mate apparently and his mum is ok with it. I'm not thrilled but not a lot I can do, my only advice is keep lines of communication open and tell him he needs to text you by a certain time of he s staying out. My dd hasn't had a serious bf yet, so I have no idea on the sex issue. She shares a room with her sister so not possible anyway. I would probably just have a chat about respecting others in the fami ly, door shut and noise down.

Not sure why you are judging her Mum for allowing it, when, If I'veread your post correctly, it was in your house that sex was allowed ??

You and your dh should be making it very clear how much trouble he can be in for having sex with a minor, just as a starting point.
Before you even get on to the issues of getting to know a partner really well before even thinking about having a sexual relationship.

Yes we all know teens will find a way to have sex but I'd be pointing out to him that she is technically underage. If they really can't wait until her birthday, and let's be honest of course they can't, then they at least need to be aware that they need privacy. I.e. not a busy household with young children who are wandering around and listening in. If you really want to put him off I'd say "me & your dad have to wait until you lot are all asleep before we can go for it"
I wouldn't really say that, but I would be making sure he's using condoms.

I had no idea they were up in his room doing that, they had only been in the house for ten minutes and believe me, he's been told.

This isn't AIBU, I really don't need aggressive replies, just advice. He's 14 months older than her, but it still makes me uncomfortable.

Thank you to all who have given advice btw, its really thrown me.