Sexless

[Labradoodliedoodoo]

DH. Great with our children. A huge support to me. Great partner but sex once or twice a year since DD was born 6 years ago. Agreed to go to the GP half a dozen times. Had another heart to heart tonight and he has told me he’s not gay, he still fancies me and wanks once a fortnight. He’s also anxious about performance and tierd (but thyroid ok). I wonder if he’s asexual. DH said today that he’s also not happy with the lack of sex and will visit the GP. However he doesn’t want sex while 2/3 times a week would be ideal for me. And of course we both need to concent to have sex. Laying next to him at night feels awfully sad. Heavy hearted. There’s the promise that things will get better but no remedy in sight.

Honestly if it hasnt changed in 6 years then it’s unlikely to. He’s not gone to the doctors despite saying he would, so he probably won’t go this time either. Sadly you will probably have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. I know I couldn’t live like that.

2 or 3 times a week most men you be well [pleased with that but this does sound like he is either asexual or might have ED problems. For now see if you can get him to a doc or some counseling services it may possible be something else here's hoping;!.

Was he present at the birth of DD? I have heard that some men are totally shocked by the birth process.

Living like that would be soul crushing. You might as well just have a flatmate.

Straight forward births I would say. Counselling could be a good idea though.

Pre kids we had some but not lots of sex. Completely tailed off now.

I have said I can’t go on like this which I know will add unwelcome pressure but at least it is honest. We last talked about this in July which resulted in a pity shag. Asked why he didn’t see the GP he said ‘yes I should have’ but didn’t like his GP/felt awkward.

I feel that I’m demanding and asking for something unreasonable just by verbalising concerns

You have to be prepared for the fact that even if he goes to the GP, has all the tests, goes to counselling, there may be nothing wrong. This may just be his 'normal'. What then? What do you want to do? Is this enough for you to leave him?

I left my husband after nearly three years without sex. We don't have children, but I got so fed up I had to leave. Whenever I tried to talk about it he would get quite nasty (I'm a sex addict, I only wanted sex because my first boyfriend used me, and other delightful assertions) and the last time we nearly had sex he said "did you really think I'd want to have sex with you?" which was incredibly hurtful. I don't think he's asexual, although he said he is, I actually think he was seeing someone else.

You have to be prepared for the fact that even if he goes to the GP, has all the tests, goes to counselling, there may be nothing wrong. This may just be his 'normal'. What then? What do you want to do? Is this enough for you to leave him?

^^ this is what I’m afraid of. Chatted about all the solutions last night including remaining in a sexless marriage but having a FWB but this seems a totally crazy option.

This is a thorny subject in our marriage too. I don't want sex nearly as often as dh does. Once a month would probably do me. We average once a week. He wants it to be more, and wants me to enjoy it more. I just don't. But he says the fact that I make the effort to do it shows him that I care and so he can live with it. But I know it makes him a bit sad.
Your dh doesn't seem to be making any effort at all.
It's a really tough one to deal with, I'm sorry.

Shapphire that sounds very clear cut. My difficulty is that DH is kind, considerate, a reliable family man and we’ve gone through a lot together and come out the other side. However I am sexually frustrated now. Didn’t really mind the first couple of years after the birth, was too shattered!

It could be an age thing. At a certain point, all the feelings and desires remain, but compared to earlier life, it all gets the volume dropped slightly.
This doesn't help in a practical sense though, sorry.

this is what I’m afraid of. Chatted about all the solutions last night including remaining in a sexless marriage but having a FWB but this seems a totally crazy option.

Obviously need to rule out medical or emotional issues first but if this his 'normal' then you both have to be ok with the 'solution' you come up with. I've told DH he has to either accept it or leave, I'm not comfortable with a FWB arrangement but accept a sexless marriage is rubbish for DH. I'm currently pregnant (with weirdly seems to have increased my sex drive) so we will wait and see how it goes after babies born, but ultimately I'm prepared for my marriage to be over. I can't force myself to have sex when I don't want it. I've tried that and I end up resenting DH.

I can't force myself to have sex when I don't want it. I've tried that and I end up resenting DH

I sort of do have sex when I don't want it. Because it really matters to dh. I don't feel he's exploiting me or taking advantage of me or abusing me, I'm just doing something for him because I love him. Is that weird? I'd rather be asleep or reading a book but it doesn't cost me anything to spend 15 minutes having sex instead and it makes him happy. He'd like to have a mammoth session with lots of exotic positions and multiple orgasms but we've compromised on once a week, not too long, not too exciting. I don't resent him for it, I just feel a bit sad that I can't offer him anything more.

It's really tough when your sex drives differ. I suspect mine is influenced by hormonal contraception but I was never as interested in sex as he was.

Knitwit101 that's not weird if it works for you guys! It just doesn't work for me. DH wants all the foreplay and positions etc, and I really don't feel comfortable with that. If it was just 15 minutes I think we'd do it more frequently!

I couldn't live like this. It's such a horrible position to be in when your dh is otherwise a great partner.

Hmmm... I am suspicious of people who no longer want to have sex with their spouse/ partner.

They want it alright but not with them. They have already checked out of the relationship and are waiting/ looking for the replacement whilst still getting other needs met.

I would not embark on a relationship that had mininal/no sexual chemistry to begin with. Sex is an important part of a marriage relationship. Desire is a major component of a relationship. Eg- if there is a physical/ physisiological impediment to having sex with your spouse, your desire for your spouse would compel you to take steps to remedy that problem.

Staying with a spouse out of duty/finance is underlined by a completely different set of motivating factors.

They want it alright but not with them. They have already checked out of the relationship and are waiting/ looking for the replacement whilst still getting other needs met.

This is absolutely not true in all cases. I don't want sex with anyone. I have not checked out of the relationship.

OPs DH may have a medical or psychological issues, may have checked out or may just have a dwindling sex drive.

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