Out of work ds , living at home, any tips that actually made a difference ??

[dizzycatdance2]

Hi all,

D's just turned 20 has recently "left" a computing Apprentiship. He was thoroughly miserable there , no fault of the company who have been excellent, and was finally fired a few weeks ago.

Since then I've been getting him to do jobs for me (I'm a lone parent to 4dc) and he's done some voluntary work.

Mt problem is that I'm driving all that he's "done" so far and that's

A) not sustainable
B) not good for him

He seems so lacking in any "go"

If you've been in this situation what did you do ?

"punishing" him by taking away WiFi etc ??

Leave him to find his own path ??

Although I could do with him contributing with a wage ,if he could find voluntary work that could give v him some confidence I'd not expect "rent"

But its unhealthy for him to not be "doing" SOMETHING !!

advice really gratefully received , I'm at a loss , and , quite frankly, it makes mm e feel as though I have let him down, that just having me as a parent hadn't been enough.

Thanks

It’s not your fault. Be clear in yourself about that.
Could you sit down over a coffee and have a chat with him?

Give him a time limit to get a job, any job.

Thanks for the replies,

We have talked , but he's great at promising things , then just.not. doing. Them.

Im all for "get a job any job"

But what if he doesn't ? Throw him out ?? Do parents do that ? , I'm not judging just , without additional difficulties at home caused by the DC , does that happen ?

Mine went to bed for 3 years at that age! (I can't chuck my own flesh and blood out). He's now married with a wife, 2 DC and a mortgage, and he works 12 hours a day to bring home the bacon. There's light at the end of the tunnel, OP.

Gently say you don't want him to settle. You may not need to say more.

Is he signing on? If so, they should do a lot of making sure he is being proactive in finding something so you shouldn't have to.

@singlenotsingle. That is both comforting and terrifying !!

I just want him to be going in a direction , any direction is fine, mud modelling in the Scottish high lands , training fleas in the Ukraine , whatever just ........ Something

He's got an appointment at the job centre tomorrow

Op give him a deadline for a job, maybe a few years doing some minimum wage misery might spur him into action

You haven't let him down, could he be feeling a bit depressed. Is there anything he is particularly interested in, any hobbies.

Well that’s good. Try not to worry too much, things have a way of working out.

I think he is depressed, though he has been to gp / therapy session it was whilst he was in the job he loathed so that clouded the issue.

He's very good at appearing "fine" and making all the right noises but lacking in any action / change

What about one of the services (army, navy, air)? I think we forget that they’re essentially a large ‘corporation’ which has many parts to it. It’s not just foot soldiers. Get direction and a trade, see a bit of the world...

Good idea from Ida, maybe the military would be a great opportunity for him. Meanwhile how about some christmas seasonal work in a shop or bar just to get out and about and earn a bit of cash.

Thanks for all the replies,

He's really not interested in any thing military , he does lack in confidence , even out of his comfort zone to go on holiday with me to a new destination.

A job working with the public would I think do him the b world of good. Or a residential volunteer placement of some kind.

Its just getting him to sort it out !!!

I was exactly here with mine at 20. The Job Centre won it for me. They quite often have input from outside teams who are willing to pay for courses getting cscs (various construction) cards and sia (security) cards. He did the SIA course and started work straight after as retail security. He enjoyed the security work and went from there into retail and now manages his own store and loves it. Get him to sign on regularly and hopefully one of these will come along. It's a long haul I know and there isn't much out there for them which isn't minimum pay and zero contract but for mine the tipping point was mates having jobs, going out, getting nice cars and he wanted that. Encourage mates too and get them to come round even if they are just sitting playing xbox it's all feedback for him.

Well he ,should be, at his job centre interview, see what he comes back with later ,

Hope it was a success

Any Christmas jobs around you? Tesco or similar?

Christmas jobs are surprisingly thin on the ground.

Im going to suggest care work, I'm.hoping a strong young man might be useful in that environment.

Not sure how the interview went yet, not home until later

My nephew was similar. Job Centre was surprisingly helpful and got him a trial placement at an insurance company. They gave him a job. He doesn't love it but he likes the money!
A year later he's living with a girlfriend in a flat and happy.

Watching closely - very similar situation here....

Similar situation here with 18yr old DS, finished his A levels and had no particular plan (and still doesn’t as far as I’m aware). I made it known that I wasn’t going to give him any money after his savings ran out and he needed to do something even a few hours at a local coop. Well that’s what happened in the last couple of weeks, he managed to get a job at the local coop. Just getting the job has boosted his self esteem and being out and dealing with all sections of society has improved his confidence no end. Not sure where he is going to finally end up (DH tells me to leave him be for the next 6 months) but at least he is doing something.

Thanks for the positive stories,

Im. Going to back off a bit, I think I am to "fixed" on the "get qualified ASAP , get a career" etc etc

Its what I (and most of my friends) did but there are so many different paths ,

He's a good lad, it will work out , and in the mean time I'm going to get my house power washed for free

Mmmwwaaaahhh hhaa haaa