No presents this Christmas

[nannytothequeen]

I know, I know. I am a grown adult and this shouldn't be important but I know I will not get a single present for Christmas this year. And my birthday is a week before and I will get nothing then either. Feeling a bit glum.

I do hate being that person who says yes, but. However I think that part of the problem is that Mum died on the other side of the world there is no grave and I need to return to the uk to scatter her ashes with my dads. I have organized this in 2019 with the kids but my ex is threatening to put a border alert on me to stop me traveling with the kids and really out of sheer spite. There is no place here with space for me to grieve. It's all so far away.

How old are your dc? Mine are 10 and 7 and each get £20 to buy gifts for others. This year they got each other a toy (£5) their dad a best dad mug/ shaving set and were sent into boots and each got something for me. The youngest was accompanied around the shops, the eldest went on eBay and ordered things without help.

I think it's so important to teach that Christmas is about generosity, giving not getting. They get the sense of happiness from giving to others. And I get a (albeit over the years sometimes shit- but treasured nonetheless) present. Which in your case I would open with them on Boxing Day, which you can treat as "your" Christmas

Cross post- I'm so sorry to hear that. What an areshole your ex must be. I completely understand the need for space to grieve, and the limbo that living away puts you in. I hope the trip in 2019 works out for you x

The kids are not little little. They are 11 and I give them regular pocket money that they use for gift buying amongst other things. But I guess I don't want to compel them into shopping for me for a day they won't even spend with me. And really, deep down, it's not a wrapped candle from the kids I am grieving. It's being part of s family that spends Christmas together and it's the sound of my mums voice.

Ask a close friend to take your children into town and choose something for you? Give them a £3O budget and open the presents on Boxing Day all together. Your children will enjoy this and it will be a good lesson in giving and appreciation.

I know the feeling OP. It feels sad and lonely and kind of embarrassing not to get any presents, it's the lack of gesture. I haven't had any for a few years either, or birthday presents. I don't worry about the actual day, but I do treat myself to a few things beforehand and have a plan. E.g. films to watch, have a bubble bath etc. It's crap but tolerable.

Oh op I'm so sorry you must feel very lonely. I can't suggest anything that won't sound patronising tbh. I hope the new year is a better one for you.

That is so mean of your ex knowing that your mum died this year and you'll be on your own. Do you have siblings you could spend time with? Could you go on a trip?

Hi@nannytothequee. I am also a lone parent (widowed in2014 so slightly different). Kids now 4 and 8.

I take a different approach and 'take control' by refusing all (e.g tell ppl not to buy) me gifts for birthday or Xmas because the only gift I want is one from Dead DH and I can't have that. I give to charity instead.

Believe it or not it helps because I am in control and also I've realised I no longer miss gifts.

By opting out of the expectations of society I feel less sad and more empowered

No presents for me this Xmas and I'm fine with it. I am dating someone at present but will tell him not to buy me anything. It's very liberating I promise.

So sorry Xmas will be hard for you. I hate the actual day every year. But it will pass. Roll on January, new year, new hope

What a sad situation OP, that's really miserable for you.

Can you think of anything you could buy for yourself that has a connection to your mum in some way? Something she may have bought for you when she was alive, or something that will remind you of her (not that you need reminding, of course). Do you have any photographs of her you could buy a special frame for, or have one of those photo books made? A woman I know was given a mug with a photo of her husband on it, shortly after he died. She said that every time she used it, she felt a bit nearer to him, as though they were having a cup of tea together.

I hope 2019 is brighter for you.