Life with 2 toddlers. Any advice appreciated. At my wits end.

[Sparrowlegs248]

I'm single, 2 boys 3 and under. Some days are great, some are fine, some are fucking horrendous. The older one constantly taking things from the younger, pushing, smacking, pulling him about. Younger screams (overreact a bit) older takes absolutely no notice of anything I say on these days. I end up removing him from the situation and he sits and cries. Younger one plays happily, older one constant harassing him. This is when I'm trying to do stuff (by that I mean get washed and dressed, make breakfast etc).

Are they going to grow up to be boys who fight constantly?

I do get a day off a week. It's filled with catching up on the stuff I don't do when they're here.

Any advice on how to approach this without going mad?

Hi, I haven’t read all the replies so sorry if this has been mentioned. Please don’t feel you’re alone, I have two toddlers and sometimes it’s so hard.
I use the spot. One warning with a count to 3 then if no change on the spot or step whatever for a minute per year. Doesn’t stop it completely but if defo helps. I hoping it passes soon too.

Okay. So I think you need to lower yoir standards at some point in the day so you can give them a bit more time in order to re set the tone.

My eldest is now 5 and I think in hindsight that I gave him a far tougher time than he deserved just because he was the eldest.

My youngest is 3 and he can scream like an award winner. I had a good week of really strict returning him to his room to 'control himself.' After a few days of being consistent the hysteria stopped and if it starts I tell him he will have to go to his room if he can't control himself and it nips it in the bud.

Tells us more about your day. What are you tending to when the shit hits the fan?

I agree about not knowing what to let go of for fear of raising horrible kids. But maybe the list of what you fight for NOW could be shorter?

It does get easier.
Best way to discipline I ever found was 'favourite toy goes in the shed'.
It's not an empty threat, I have followed through perhaps 3 times in 7 years, but normally just the threat is enough. You need to warn beforehand though so the child has a chance to change behaviour. Ie "If you hit your brother again, teddy goes in the shed. Do you understand? I will put teddy in the shed if you x."
Of course the child gets mightily upset if the disciplining happens, and I have zero problem with them feeling that 'pain'. Actions and consequenses. And they catch up o-so-quickly when it's obvious to them a parent means business.
(No favourite toy has ever been in the shed for longer than 30 mins btw.)

They sound entirely normal to me. Some days are just relentless.

Could you try something where if they sit quietly and watch tv or play without you for 5 or 10 minutes they can pick a reward? Then you could maybe build up to 20 minutes where you can have a cup of tea and regroup a bit? Sometimes getting your own head together is as useful as trying to manage their behaviour.

Also, do you get any 'help' from their father?

Just to add, I think at 3 years their attention span is something like 3-5 minutes, then it's on to something else. It's relentless, I know. I have a similar age gap with mine and I remember moaning "I'm not qualified to do this!"

It's the same here. Some days are just so long and I'm checking the clock every five minutes to see if it's bedtime yet and others they're delightful.

If there was some kind of warning system about how good a day it was going to be then I'd definitely buy one!

How old is the youngest one?

I wouldn't do a reward chart. You are just giving yourself even more jobs. They need instant time out or whatever.

notta my boys are 5 1/2 and 3 1/2.

They fight like cat and dog and I feel like a ref half the time. I find counting down works. Also taking away what ever they are playing with at the time.

I always have to follow through with my threats - my ds1 is a smart arse and pulls me up on stuff if I don't follow it up

Thanks for all the replies. We went out, which is always better. They're both asleep now so time to , ha I was going to say relax but what I mean is cook, eat, wash up, tidy, washing etc.

I don't count , dc1 loves numbers and the tomes I've tried it, it just hasn't worked. A friend told me she'd tried it on her similar aged child and it worked immediate.

ohio the shit normally hits the fan when I'm trying to do something that can't be left, or prolonged. Such as getting ready for work. I simply don't have time to be going back and forth every 10 seconds. It's not every time by any means, but it's more noticeable at those times as it's a struggle to deal with. We've just had an issue with dc1 repeatedly ignorrnibg my requests to stop pushing with his feet (shoving brother off the bed, waving feet about and neat kicking me in the face) while we sat reading bedtime stories. I told him I would take his brother for a story in the other room if he carried on and he did so that's what I did. Put him on the bed and told him what I was doing. He cried. A lot. We went back in a couple of minutes later and he was ok then.

Favourite toy, that's a tricky one. I can't actually think if something he'd be that bothered about missing.

Tv. Dc1 is not taken with TV at all. He's just not interested. So I can't use it as a tool at all for him. Dc2 I think will be different.

@UnalliterativeGeorge yes, you've got the nail.on the head. Yesterday I just couldn't believe it was only 2.30pm!! A warning system would be amazing!!

Dc2 is 20 months. Stbxh has them one day at the weekends. And panders to their every whim.

I've thought about things a bit today, and one thing is that they aren't getting as much exercise as they were. Shorter days etc. So that's something I will try to address.

At one point I had 3 aged 2 and under and what I now realise was an abusive h.

Obviously a bedtime cuddle and story is best, but what is actually best is a peaceful bedtime.

I replaced an attempt at a story with a bedtime programme. It has an exact end point, there is no moremoremorereadthatpageagainlookatthis and I only have to cuddle.

I'd try and replace the programme with that by reading the story in the living room and then putting the programme on.

I keep the stories by my bed and when we can I climb in my bed with them through the day and read to them.

I also put random toys or bits of stuff they haven't seen for ages in my hairdryer drawer. When they are pestering me when i am drying my hair they 'discover' it and it distracts them.

Hth

Thanks Ohio, snap on the husband. Bedtimes are generally really good and easy. They don't pester, I think tonight's episode was my fault actually as I thought I'd give them a bit longer before bed. Had I followed the usual plan they would have been in bed before the pushing started.

Good idea 're the drawer, I did do that but the things in it have been outgrown/lost interest and I've not replaced them, so thank you for that reminder!

You sound like you are doing really well. I have a friend whose kids are a lot older. She says to give yourself a break. Or to let them figure it out. You don't have to resolve all of their disputes.

Thanks Ohio. I feel better about it this evening. Sometimes, as I'm sure you know, it all feels a bit too much.

It’s very tough .

You asked for practical advice so two books that helped me were:

Coping with Two (general coping strategies including practical advice)

123 Magic (discipline)

Thanks, I love a book!

Ooh 123 Magic. I loved that book. And still use the techniques now my kids are older. They are wise to it now and it doesn't have quite the same effect it once did but when they were little it was great.

OP I have a 6 month old and a 2 and a half year old and we have a timetable.
Set times for playing reading painting etc. Boring for me but it keeps me sane.
Older has a time out everytime he hits. Encourage sharing and playing together.
Get eldest helping with chores. My eldest helps me do loads round the house as my special helper ha ha.
Everytime he shares and plays with the baby give him a reward e.g a chocolate button.

devonshire we had no problem at all When the baby was 6 months old. I
Now however, he walks and talks and has opinions on things, it's a bit of a game changer. For us anyway.

If in doubt always take them out and exhaust them

If it helps I've already told mine off today. I think it's just a hazard of small children together. Relentless though.

I need the youngest to get out the "shrieking if he looks at anywhere vaguely near me or any toy I have" phase.

I've heard they do move out eventually

I think the most important thing you can do is let yourself admit that sometimes dealing with toddlers is a bit shit. It’s hard work, you’re doing your best and most kids turn out basically ok. You’ll all be fine.

@UnalliterativeGeorge Yes!! Mine is a complete drama queen. Yes the other one annoys him nd goes on a bit but Jesus the screaming! Yesterday dc1 was trying to give dc2 something he DIDNT WANT!!

I think our children might be clones!

The drama that ensued the other day when the 3 year old held his hand out and went "pssshhh" at the 2 year old was beyond ridiculous!