If you had a largely rubbish and semi-absent dad when you were younger, what are your thoughts on it now?

[Redandyellowbits]

Hi, I am a single mum to 3 DDs ,aged 11, 9 and 6.

ExH was abusive to me, I left, but I didn't stop contact with the children as they wanted to see him. It's been 4 years now. He sees them one weekend a month (his choice but its fallen into this pattern) and for half of the school holidays. DDs are ambivalent at best about going. They are excited when he arrives, but then they do want to come home and feel anything longer than one week with him is too long for them. He lives around 2h away. Holidays are a bit hit and miss. Sometimes he takes them to his sisters or to the park or away for a day but otherwise they just stay at home and watch tv all day for days on end.

I send them with a tablet and the eldest emails me, but he doesn't always like this and will sometimes confiscate it. This time she is taking a phone as I have just got her one specifically for when they do go with him, as he won't always answer the phone or let them call me.

But the DDs relationship with him is strange. Their bond is fading - they were not particularly close before, but as he doesn't speak to them regularly, they are young and don't really fill him in on their lives. He is also very secretive and can be manipulative and so they don't want to over-share either.

We haven't got a court order in place to make him see them more, as quite frankly I think he does more harm than good with his intermittent parenting already. He is very difficult about pickups and drop-offs and is always late or last minute with wanting to see them.

But I wonder what this will all lead to? What kind of relationship will they have in the future?

Has anyone experienced this growing up? What is your relationship like now with both of your parents?

My dad was rubbish. Spent time in and out prison so contact was sporadic. I was never close to him. I chose to go NC when I was 11. He never challenged this, I don't think he was that interested in fatherhood.

We are still NC. I don't love him. I don't know where he is.

I was very close to my mum and still am as an adult.

I don't really think about my dad much and my childhood was not affected but I do think as an adult it probably has affected my relationships with men. I tend to go for men with "issues" as it makes me feel more in control - not being in control in relationships is my biggest fear, probably due to the fact that I had no control over my relationship with my dad.

I'm not unhappy though and generally live a happy life.

Not exactly the same. My dad was a workoholic, He lived with us but I saw him mostly on the weekends. He isn't good with children and we never really bonded well I think. I was an unplanned child and I'm very much not his precious son (although my brother is a lovely person). My mother was a very loving and caring person and she loved me to bits so I don't feel that I missed something. Looking back she might have made more of an effort with me to make me feel loved. My mum died almost ten years ago. My dad is still alive.

Our bond now is quite the same really. We see each other but we're not close. I keep him at an arms distance emotionally because I don't like a lot about him and how I'm the scapegoat. He won't make an effort. He'll visit my brother every six weeks (2,5 hour drive away) and will give him, his wife and the kids presents and take them to a zoo ir something. I live 20 min. away and he never comes to my house, he says that it's my job to come to him. He never listens to my husband (DH stopped speaking to him years ago, just sits there and listens) and we don't get even a card for our birthday. He'll happily ask my help to bring a big present to my brothers' and forget about me. Our birthdays are a day apart. Mine is first.

I bought a house even closer to him (not because of him) and he said that I could now take care of him in old age. I blurted out told him that his girlfriend can do that.
My SIL sniggered when she heard that, she despises that he treats us so differently.

I have a good relationship with my brother and SIL and their kids.

Sorry to hear that BitchQueen and exploding kitten

My exh is the same, he clearly favours my youngest DD and will usually speak to her and not to the others if he calls them. They still want his love and approval and he occasionally gives it to them, which they lap up. His contact is sporadic and he plays them off with emotional blackmail (eg he says to the girls 'you never call me even though I am on my own' - when he is the adult who actually owns a phone and could call them every day if he wanted to).

Eldest has now started to see through him a bit as is less willing to go stay with him, although she is happy when she does get to his. She knows what he is like, and she seems to accept that.

He has also talked to them about living with him when they are older, I think again this is just for his own benefit, and the DDs are adamant they wouldn't want to do that.

They would be happy cutting off ties as he isn't involved in their day-to-day lives and I don't honestly think they would miss him, but as they are young I do encourage them go everytime it's arranged. If they decide to go NC I would prefer it to be when they are older and have made their own decisions based on his behaviour and not based on me stopping them going.

But I don't want them to feel trapped between us, or feel low self-confidence because of the lack of interest their dad has shown. We are lucky to be surrounded by my big extended family who are all very supportive and interested in my DDs and always have been, so I think they feel far more secure with me than with him.

Looking back she might have made more of an effort with me to make me feel loved
I try hard to do this, but as a working single mum I am quite knackered a lot of the time! It then feels hard that he spoils then with TV and sweets but the tough love of getting their homework done etc falls to me.

I try hard to do this, but as a working single mum I am quite knackered a lot of the time!

That's ok. My mother made a lot of effort to make me feel loved and I felt it. It doesn't mean that she didn't have her own issues once in a while. Her health was quite bad and she had multiple brain and head surgeries, stays in hospital and recovery time. But she did really love me and made sure I knew it. It was fine when she had her own stuff to deal with. A good relationship doesn't mean that every day is perfect. You sound like a lovely mum, the fact that you are thinking about this means that you find it important. My mum and me also fought a lot in my teens (because puberty made me a monster), but I never doubted her love for me. That's what is important. It's ok to be too tired sometimes.

A bit similar to explodingkitten my dad worked away so I didn't see him a lot but he also had affairs and was a bit pants to be honest. However when he broke up with lis last mistress well after my mum saw sense and ended things he completely changed we have a good relationship now he dotes on my children and is being amazing about emotionally supporting me through finding out my husband has financially screwed us! He's been with his now wife about 15 years and is a completely different man who I very much love and respect. I can't say this will always be the case but some people are capable of change I didn't see my dad at all between the ages of 13 and 17 and when we did get back in touch it was a slow process but he decided he wanted me in his life and did the work and I think it has to be that way really as I don't feel like I'm constantly trying to get his approval he tells me he's proud of me often, and I don't feel I have to earn his time and affection. Not sure if that will help but I wanted to say given time things do sometimes work out. I hope things get better for you all.

My parents were divorced when I was five. My father was an alcoholic. He drifted in and out of my life as and when he could. He never asked for anything and always gave what he could in terms of money, time and attention. He was a very unwell man.

I adored him. I forgave him everything because even as a young child I could understand he loved me and his absence was his way of protecting me from the worst of him. He died a few years ago.

My mother on the other hand was relentless in her spiteful venomous criticism of him (not saying this applies to you at all OP) and I am NC with her as an adult.

My dad was largely absent and generally not arsed to be a parent. His mantra was 'I want my kids to see me as a friend'. But he said this even when we were small, and used it as an excuse not to do any of the hard stuff! Or course, he was the life and soul of the party and everyone thought he was wonderful.
When he died, I was sad for about an hour then fine. I couldn't bear all the histrionics from his second wife (russian) , and found the emotion of his cousin, who he grew up with, perplexing.

Your ex sounds quite like my dad with his manipulation and being quite childish. My dad always used to complain that we didn’t call him after he left (we were children).

Nobody in my family talks to him any more. It was a difficult point to get to, I think even as an adult I still wanted his love and approval on a deeper level after being ignored and made to feel inadequate for much of my childhood. It was scary to cut the tie but I felt so much better and still do, it was the best thing I ever did.

I am completely fine as an adult, happily married myself and have fairly good relationship with my Mum (she has her own troubles). My mum always facilitated our contact with our dad and didn’t try to sway us into going NC even though he had abused her. I have a lot of respect for her for that.

I would try to be fairly non judgmental with your kids and their dad - if they want to go then support that but don’t push them, and let them make their own choices when they’re a bit older about ongoing contact. I’m sure they will be fine as you sound like a great Mum and speaking from experience of having only one supportive parent, I can say my sister and I turned out fine.

Your ex sounds quite like my dad with his manipulation and being quite childish. My dad always used to complain that we didn’t call him after he left (we were children

This really winds me up. They have gone to him this weekend, and I sent a phone with them as he won't let them call me when they are with him, so I don't know where they are at all (can be in a different city if visiting his sister).

The phone was specifically for when they go away. He has found the phone and said they need to have it as theirs full time so he can whatsapp them.

That was never the plan, it's not his phone to decide, and yet he will now use this to make them feel guilty for not contacting him more, again.

I do think the NC route would be much healthier for them overall than the slow and insidious mistrust and lack of respect that is developing over time. But I know it's not my decision to make.

I'm so heartened to hear that overall this didn't affect your lives or relationships as adults too much, I am very open with the girls about how you chose life partners, and warning signs of people who lack respect and boundaries. I won't have them do the same as I did and be forced into a corner by someone who doesn't care.

However when he broke up with lis last mistress well after my mum saw sense and ended things he completely changed we have a good relationship now he dotes on my children and is being amazing about emotionally supporting me through finding out my husband has financially screwed us

So glad to hear your relationship changed for the better. If I am honest I really don't think ex is capable of this.

I hope all worked out well with your finances too.

I am completely NC with mine and have been since 21

In some ways it wasn't his fault, he suffered from poor parenting himself and probably has underlying psychological disorders. His father was by all accounts a vile man.

My siblings see him, but in my case we never had a bond, and although I enjoy hearing about his latest drama

It's in an abstract "give me a hilarious new tale about the escapades of the eccentric man I once lived with"

Rather than "hows my Dad?" Because I have no attachment to him

@PawneeParksDept: It's in an abstract "give me a hilarious new tale about the escapades of the eccentric man I once lived with" Rather than "hows my Dad?" Because I have no attachment to him

We are definitely heading down a similar road even though the DDs are quite young. Discussion of their dad is usually along the lines of 'what has he said/done now' and is never really a question out of concern for him. Similarly he will not ask the girls about their everyday lives - every question is loaded and they know that their answers will be held against them somehow later on, so they are very guarded with him.

It's a slow disintegration of their relationship, I feel guilty for wanting them to go NC quicker than they are, but of course I don't tell them that.

@Seventytwoseventythree My mum always facilitated our contact with our dad and didn’t try to sway us into going NC even though he had abused her. I have a lot of respect for her for that.

Your mum sounds lovely. That must have been so hard for to do.

My absent father was different again to most of these here. He isn't manipulative and he wouldn't have wanted to speak to us often....

What he was was an artist in waiting, wanting to paint and live a solitary life. His partners have found him to be selfish, wanting dinner, a bath and to watch to and no emotion. He will paint all day, eat, watch to and that's that. 'What do you WANT child!?' He would say.

I look back now and think, that's exactly who he was. A solitary artist type. He should not have had three children.

My parents split when I was 4. After being a total daddy's girl I had to adjust to very sporadic contact. Constantly being let down, no phone calls.
He would get in touch to show us off when he had a new girlfriend, see us a handful of times and then disappear for a few years until the next girlfriend came along and he wanted to roll out his daughters and impress her being the wonderful devoted daddy. Most of them saw through it, the ones that didn't eventually saw through it when the contact tailed off again.

I went NC at age 20. Had just had a baby myself and he said he didn't want to be a grandad and never came to see us. I was invited to stay with him for the weekend with his new wife but only if I got a babysitter.

Sometimes I feel like I missed out. Especially when I watch my husband and daughter together play wrestling, cuddling, even just chatting about her day at school!

My mum had depression, she did her best but it was hard for her to be 2 parents. We have a very close relationship now.

I haven't spoken to my dad for 14 years and it's likely to stay that way.

FWIW my younger sister is close to him and sees him regularly.

@PawneeParksDept you have just pretty much described me, my sister and dad!!

She goes to stay with him regularly and tells me anecdotes about his behaviour, I don't feel a link to him though which is strange!

My dad was silent and at work or behind a newspaper. He then left when I was 5.
My sister and I would go to him in school holidays,where we would do very little other than watch tv,and this was the 70 s so there weren’t a lot of tv hours per day. I was scared of his volatile wife.

During my teens he tried to connect with me to take me on holiday and do stuff like skiing that my mum would never think of doing, but I wouldn’t go, as o felt like I barely k ew him.
He’s 80 now and beginning to get dementia. He has really softened and tells me he loves me and misses me, and although it tugs my heartstrings, I don’t feel close to him, because the foundations aren’t there.

I don't know the long term outcome, but my ex started off with 3 weekends out of 4 which gradually dropped to 2 and then 1 weekend a month and then occasional few days during school holidays and occasional Christmas.

Ds1 and DS2 didn't seem particularly bothered by this. Ds1 stopped going on holiday with me and DS2 when he was a teen (just not into holidays) and would go to stay with his Dad. He can remember us being a family before we split up so has more of a relationship with his Dad.

Their Dad is ok as a Dad when he remembers them. Ds1 moved in with him when he went to uni (cheaper than living in student accommodation)

DS2 thinks of him as an acquaintance rather than a Dad. Is closer to my siblings in some ways. Rarely sees his Dad now, usually just for a few hours if I go over to pick up ds1.

I find it sad having had a good Dad myself, but thankful that they just seem to accept the status quo even though its different for each of them.

@cricketmum84

It's strange, I think I became conscious as a child I was missing out, I used to go to Uncles and sit in their laps instead. My best friend had a really hands on Dad and so I knew our home life wasn't right

I grieved for it as a teenager when my parents did split but not for him specifically just for the lack of a father.

I've made peace with it now but I can certainly say that it fucked me up in certain ways for a long time

@PawneeParksDept yep it fucked me up for a long time. I spent so many years just "getting onwith it" and not facing up to issues. I was a very love-hungry teenager, rather promiscuous and always craving love and attention from men.
It wasn't until I got married, had my daughter and saw the bond DH and DD have that I really started to face up to it. I've had therapy for anxiety issues and all the pent up crap came out over a few sessions.
I'm a control freak, I have to be the one organising meeting times and places and arriving early - apparently this is a result of him not turning up so many times. I'm also a perfectionist and put a lot of pressure on myself to get things right. I spent a long long time thinking I had done something wrong or was unloveable.
The therapy has helped :)

@cricketmum84

I have a similar experience and yes my therapist was amazing, though more so on other relationships because having one toxic parent affects an entire family dynamic massively, and though I've had the therapy I don't think my relationship with one sibling will ever recover because she's desperately in need of therapy herself

My dad was a bastard and now he’s an old bastard. I think he realises how crap he’s been but sadly it’s too late to change things.

I have never had a relationship with my dad. He came back when I was a teenager for a short while, I can’t recall how long. Must have been 14 years since I last saw him. I don’t think I would even recognise him. He literally never crosses my mind.
My stepdad has a child he doesn’t see for various reasons and sometimes I find it odd that I have a relationship with him but this child doesn’t.

I'm 46, and I forgive him. He is many things and he hurt me over and over for years and years. But he's human and he's still my dad.

I refuse to shed any tears over it now, but I hope he's happy in his rather selfish way.

My dad was selfish, critical, tight and disinterested. My parents divorced when i was about 12.
He was late or absent for Sundays...my poor Mum had to tell us and see our disappointed faces.
I'll be honest, it's given me trust issues.
I never had that grounded, stable, safe no matter what kind of confidence that my friends have. That lovely security.