Very upset. Autism related

[IamHowIfeel]

I have ASD

As a child my parents declined to have me assessed as didn’t want me having ‘a label’
Even now as a diagnosed adult my mother is telling me I’m NOT autistic and it’s upsetting me

Finally I have a reason for how I feel and how I am. For the first time ever I feel I can say I can’t do something because I have ASD and it’s ok not to as otherwise I get unwell

It feels like she’s minimising and taking away from me yet again I can’t explain but it’s upsetting me a lot she’s telling me I’m not
I think she’s embarrassed

Don't forget your mum or dad might ASD themselves .

OP I feel for you. I am NT but have 2 children with ASD, my daughter was very recently diagnosed. My mothers reaction was well OK then but you don't need to tell anyone, or them or anyone else about it!

I think that people can have a perception of what it means. It is certainly not a 'label' it is a diagnosis which helps my children understand themselves and other people to understand them. My daughter doesn't smile or have correct facial responses or eye contact. I would much rather people know my daughter is not rude or miserable but has a reason for responding in this way.

I don't know what advice I can give regarding your mother's response. It must be very difficult. I find my mothers response to my children difficult.

It’s made me feel so upset

That is the issue my mother seems to think it’s better I’m seen as
-weird
-quirky
-painfully shy
-odd
-obsessive
-bad at interacting
-offhand

Than just autistic

I am on the spectrum.

I understand why you are upset. It is very important that people close to you recognise and 'validate' your autistic identity. Essentially it is about supporting equality. You need to let your mum know how you feel, why it is important to you. What does it mean to you. You might also discuss what does it mean to your mum, what is bothering her.

I also understand that it is upsetting to be told that your values and individual personality is described as a 'condition' and a disability. Your parents might feel this way. That all those weird things are perfectly 'normal' and they refuse to accept that it is 'defect'. It is a totally correct perspective for me as well.

It is often said that people with autism don't have a problem. Their autism becomes a disadvantage, a legal disability, in contact with the NT world. The way the NT life is organised and assumptions and demands that are not essential but put people on the spectrum at a disadvantage.

When I had to deal with the discovering my DC had ASD, I had to confront the perceptions about mental disorders and disability. Essentially at one point or another you need to confront the discrimination in your own thoughts.

Maybe discussing the ethics and understanding of autism and disability generally could help you to established a joined understanding?

She does not want to discuss it. She was and is clearly embarrassed.

I had a bad time growing up she tried very hard to change me and some of the methods were verging on emotional abuse and I feel like she almost doesn’t like me having this diagnosis because it means it’s accepted and ok and what she really wants is to either change it or use it to have a go at me like she always did
So many times being told you’re stupid or wrong or similar because you can’t do something or don’t like something or it’s embarrassing how I behaved
So I’m really not sure now what to do. I’m upset and I feel she won’t and can’t underst this and definitely won’t accept it and I have no energy to ‘prove’ myself to her

You can't 'prove' yourself to her. Whatever the underlying cause (guilt, embarassment?) it is her issue, not yours to fix. She has no motivation or need to put this right. It suits her to keep her version of history/reality unchanged.

Basically, you can't alter her behaviour; not through rational talk, education, or dialogue. She isn't up for it.

Part of your healing process, making sense of your new self-understanding, will be to accept that. Focus on yourself, be your own 'mother' in a sense and how you can nurture, heal, and develop yourself.

If your mother accepts your diagnosis then she's going to have to face failing you as a parent. It's quite possible that one or both your parents are also autistic. I'd be pointing that out next time she speaks out of turn.

I work with a lot of ASD people in my industry and they are hugely important to our business because of their incredible technical skills.

The world needs to adapt to better create a comfortable working environment for ASD employees and we’re getting getting there with more awareness.

So sorry your mum is being like this. It must be hurtful and frustrating.

I echo that your Mum and Dad may well be ASD Op . Sorry you are going through this 💐