Grandparents' Guide?

[Hefzi]

Wondering if anyone has any suggestions for a grandparents' guide? My DM has been asking me (childfree by choice) about "modern child raising" and whether I have any friends that can "send (her) notes" etc.

She is aware - and mystified, frankly - that child-rearing practices have moved on since the 1970s, is horrified by child-centred parenting, and doesn't get on terribly well with my SIL.

I am aware that she just needs to stfu and let my SIL and brother parent, but I think she's trying to be helpful by wanting to "update" her ideas. (Or pretending to, any way ) I see Amazon has a range of GP guides - is there one anybody would particularly recommend over the others? I was initially contemplating getting one as a gag stocking filler for Christmas, but actually, as she read so many children rearing books before I was born that her FIL ended up confiscating them, I thought she might actually enjoy one that has useful things like how to put a baby down safely (front? side? back? Personally, I have no idea as I have no experience), things about room temperature, basic first aid skills for grandmothers (or something: she did an intro baby first aid taster session which she really enjoyed at some baby show), baby-led weaning and whatever other "modern" (by which I mean, not repressed 1970s, and not the benign 1970s neglect either :-D) child-rearing techniques the Good Grandparent should be au fait with.

Has anyone any suggestions?

(NB I do realise this has the possibility of going horribly wrong for me when she flies off the handle because I dare suggest she might need to update her child skills - despite her actually telling me this, and constantly asking me to get friends to help her. )

Personally op, if I were you, I’d stay well out of it. Leave it up to your brother and SIL to deal with or you could end up getting caught in the crossfire

Maybe you're right, Poptart - I know that a daughter's place is in the wrong, but this does have potential to go horribly awry, you're right. Plus, I suppose if she actually does want to update herself, there's nothing stopping her using Google or a book shop.

Thanks for the reality check - I am now radically rethinking this good idea!

Is she going to be left to look after the baby OP? If not then it might be a bit awkward if you buy her something like this but your brother and SIL never intend on asking her to babysit.

At most I would simply print her out the info from the lullaby trust with regards to safe sleep guidelines (back sleeping, no blankets/cuddly toys) and so of the data to support it (SIDS dropped from around 1800 cases per year to 600 when the back to sleep campaign was introduced). I would also give her out print out the into related to baby feeding (advised at 6 months, or as close to as possible, definitely not before 4 months due to the risk of choking).

Those seem to be the two main points of disagreement between parents and grandparents, although I just told my parents to keep their opinions to themselves. Other than that, it's only really needed if she's going to be babysitting and then that's up to your brother and SIL to sort.

Perhaps she should just ask your SIL and watch and listen, and accept gracefully that times have changed. Let THEM teach HER rather than her making the usual MIL mistake of assuming her way is still correct. It could build bridges and improve relationships if she is prepared to say 'I have no idea what is accepted practice these days, can I learn from you?' Make her ask the expert - the DGCs Mum!

Ceecee actually, that's an excellent idea re: Lullaby trust - thank you for that. She talks a lot about how I was weaned at 10 weeks and I see threads on here about MILs feeding babies things at inappropriate times, so that info on feeding is also really handy. Big thank you!

Blue I completely agree with you: I've already tried to deflect her into "why don't you ask them?" but then it descends into "they have no idea" etc etc My SIL is a really good sort, though we're never going to be super-close, owing to differences in age and outlook etc, and DB stands up to our mother for her and over her (though SIL is also comfortable to do that) but for frankly, if you haven't learned to handle my DM over the decades, she's bloody awful. DM initially tried to bitch about her to me, and then, when she realised I was going to shut that down right away every time, it's now become stealth digs - again which I call out every time, so presumably, it will turn to something else once she's clocked I have no interest in slagging off either of them. Once the baby has arrived, essentially, whatever SIL does will be wrong - ask her to babysit and it will turn into them "expecting childcare all the time", don't ask her and it will be "they never let me see the baby" - but it's entirely likely SIL has clocked this already. She gives the impression that it really doesn't bother her, and maybe it doesn't - but DM definitely gives the MILs from here a good run for their money.

In fact, I told SIL about MN, so hopefully, she's here in some guise, and I've probably lurked on one of her batshit MIL threads

Thanks, all of you PP, for some really solid, sensible advice on this thread - hugely appreciated and to all of you.