socially awkward teen wants to change

[Blessthekids]

I have posted before about my dd's friendship in the past, currently, things are fine on that front and apart from stress of exams, is largely in a good place. She is an introvert and is aware that she is socially awkward, she would love to be better at group occasions and have her voice heard but has no ideas how to achieve this. I have done the whole get her to join clubs, take up hobbies etc. She will be an adult soon and although she has no issues with being an introvert, she is aware she needs to operate in an extrovert world so wants some tools to help with this. I have heard of drama type courses aimed at getting people to be more socially confident and was wondering whether anyone has experience of this. Did it make any difference? Alternatively, if you have any other course or book suggestions, I am all ears.

thanks

My dd is a bit like this.She is going on the NCS program this summer boost her confidence and so she has to mix with new people.The thing is she wants to do this and has actually organised all that she could herself which makes the difference.

How old is your dd?

16

I struggled socially when I was younger. I did drama classes which helped with my confidence speaking in front of people, but didn't really help me socially, because the issue stemmed from the fact that I wasn't confident that my thoughts/opinions/contributions were worth anything to anyone else. And acting was just playing a role, it didn't change 'me'.
For me I found it got better as I grew up and had more confidence in what I could do. Perhaps a part time job or volunteering role could help in that sense, getting experience of communicating with lots of different people?

I think drama classes would really help

I was just going to say that drama classes would be my idea of a living hell!

Better off just being open about what it is - professional development - and getting her on speaking courses, presentation practice, whatever it is you think she would need to do. Or more age-friendly versions of that (I assume they exist?) Maybe DofE would have somethign like that?

I was that teen (I am on the autistic spectrum too).
Well done to you for acknowledging that your DD is an introvert. I think my mother considered me a loser and a weirdo for years.
I would have died rather than take drama classes as a teen.
Speaking in public was never an issue (I am a teacher now) but I was extremely awkward socially.

What really helped me was :

• acknowledging I am an introvert (it sounds like your DD is already there)
• making a mental checklist of what to do in social situations.

For example I had to make a list of "small talk" topics because it never comes to me naturally. I can do it now but it is extremely tiring.
I am still hopeless in large groups of people (parties, drinks at work etc.)

Perhaps it would be more useful for your DD to find her strengths and build up from there?

I would suggest having a look at SocialThinking.com. I use it a lot in my work with kids (of all ages) that struggle with their social communication skills, and I really rate it.

Thanks for the input. A real mix of opinions and ideas. It hasn't always been easy for me to accept that I have an introverted daughter and I initially thought, to my shame, throw her in the deep end and watch her swim. This was of course not successful at all. If I had my time again I would have accepted it far earlier and saved a lot of unnecessary pain.

I shall pass on your thoughts to her, do some research and see what kind of plan we can make. No hurry as exams need to done first.

The NCS program is for 16year olds.Dd is doing it after her GCSEs.It will give her some independance and although she is terrified of presenting things Ive pointed out that not everyone in a team has to present.She is going at the same time as a friend.Im suprised more schools dont promote it,fun and volenteering with not too much adult imput.
She's also being assessed for autism as she fi ds it really hard socially but hides a lot of it.Drama could be good but only if she really wants to do it.

I was super awkward until I got a job behind a bar. Talking to loads of different people constantly all shift. It really helped. Would she manage with a customer facing job?

Here in Nz we have youthline, I’m sure in uk there is equivalent? They run courses for young people to develop communication skills, confidence, courage etc. wonderful place where you make friends for life, search for similar, I’m sure it’s out there for your daughter x

I also found that getting a Saturday job really helped me build my confidence, learn how to speak to grownups and feel more independent. I’m still a bit socially awkward but that was a big turning point for me.

I do like the idea of a job and will definitely take a look at NCS and socialthinking.com.

Thanks for posting. Its hard to talk to RL mums about it, I think some are ashamed. Its like admitting to a terrible embarrassing weakness. But I understand as competitive parenting has a pretty strong hold here.

www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0141029196/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=book+quiet&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1542738145&sr=8-1

This is an interesting book - ‘Quiet - the power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking’. It’s not a quick read or a self help book as such - but it’s a good explanation of the difference between introverts and extroverts, examples of successful introverts, and some strategies for coping in our ‘extrovert’ world.

This may seem trite but I was a lot like her when when I was her age, and I found in the library a battered old copy of Dale Carnegie's "how to win friends and influence people". It was really eye opening - it made me realise that since it had been published in the 1930s and never went out of print, clearly lots of other people over the years had the same issues I did with figuring out how to talk to others and make them like me! It had lots of helpful strategies for the initial stages of making strangers into acquaintances and mixing socially.

Funny, I've actually read both of those books and have mentioned them to DD but she isn't much of a reader hence why I have been thinking of drama courses and a more practical approach. I wish he was alive now and had made a youtube channel about it then she would definitely take notice!!!! May give her one for Christmas! Am sure she will be delighted

DD is similar, and has found a real lifeline with internet friends via the Nerdfighters - fans of John & Hank Green aka the Vlog Brothers. A group of them chat on a Discord server, and these days she actually has real speaking conversations with some of them (as opposed to just typed). It definitely functions the way MN does for a lot of introvert adults, I love that one of their topics is 'how to human' and lots of mutual support.

I don't know if your dd is in yr 11 or into 6th form, but dd has definitely spread her wings a little bit having started college, and although she doesn't meet anyone outside she does socialise during free periods. She says herself that she thinks she's got better at what she calls 'peopling' and starting with a new group who are all coming together for the first time has helped.

Ironically, she's been on a waiting list for ASD assessment for I can't think how long - either end of primary or start of secondary - and she's finally been called in this month!

Although actually dd is probably a bit different in that she's fine giving a presentation or responding in class, and actively likes acting from a script, it's 'off piste' conversation that she finds so draining.

My DD is having similar issues. I'm reading this to see if I can give her some help. It centers around the idea that the social awkwardness mainly comes from their non verbal communication being awkward which is something we don't teach kids as we see it as innate.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1561450251/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o04_s00?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8

Ironically, she's been on a waiting list for ASD assessment for I can't think how long - either end of primary or start of secondary - and she's finally been called in this month!

That is such a long wait!
@Sadik, yes I know of discord, definitely helped with sense of being part of a group! Will look into nerd finders too.

@titsywoo

Would love to know what you think once finished and whether your dd got any value from it.

I was very reticent about starting this thread but am pleased I did as the ideas have giving me a lot to work with going forward.

What are her hobbies and interests?

Are there any possible ways for her to do those hobbies and interests with other people?

For example if she's really into her comics, manga, youtube or gaming, there are quite a few conventions springing up every year - could you arrange for her to go to one of these, either by herself, or with you picking up/dropping off, or with any friends she has?

If she's got a skill at all, then maybe a class in it? With the stated explicit goal of improving at that skill, but with also the added side benefit of additional human contact?

If you manage to help her avoid additional further traumatic events then it's something that teens can grow out of. I was hugely introverted for a few different reasons (bullying etc) until I went to University. I was still introverted there a fair amount (played lots of computer games) but at least built up a friendship group in a way I never had at school because of the societies.

If she's planning on going to University in a couple of years, and doesn't really have a real life friendship group at the moment where you live, it may well be more productive to set "University preparation" as the goal, rather than trying to set up relationships that have a 2 year shelf life inherently built into them.

Thanks for the post Sethis.

In the past I have done all of the things you mention. She has plenty of hobbies and interests including sporty ones. In fact some of these hobbies have resulted in improvements in self confidence. However, at 16 I think she realises that she needs a bit of help to overcome her social awkwardness for her future and for her own sense of well being. Its less about making friends (I think she is fine with the ones she has) and I guess more about being able to come out of her shell at social occasions and putting her best self forward. For instance she says often her best friend will almost speak for her when they are in a bigger groups. She has things to say but can't seem to get it out.

I was exactly the same at that age. I got a job as a teacher of English as a foreign language when I was a student and had to literally stand up in front of a class of 30 and speak. 25 years later, I speak in public for a living and have done so in 4 languages.... She'll get there with the right opportunities and I don't know many teens who are comfortable in that situations (I recognize a lot of my teen self in my 14 yo dd).