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Is DSD's behaviour normal?

17 replies

twentytimes · 20/11/2018 14:13

She's 10. She lives here and only see's her mum for a few hours every fortnight, this has been the same since she was a toddler and I've been here since she was 4.

She will sulk and be moody for no obvious reason, will say no randomly to things she would normally like. Complains and looks for the negatives in everything and can never just say that she had fun, there's always a but.

She's very emotional and can cry within seconds over the tiniest thing and when she starts crying she doesn't stop easily . Find its difficult to calm herself down and gets more and more worked up because she's crying.

She takes everything as a personal criticism, makes herself believe we are angry at her or that she's done something wrong when she hasn't. Gets upset if her behaviour's corrected or she makes a mistake at school, same if she has any fall out with her friends.

Everything is embarrassing, we're regularly accused of trying to humiliate her without doing anything. Trying on clothes in a shop or at home is too embarrassing for example and we can’t buy things for her when she is there which means me or her dad have to make extra trips as she always wants to come whenever we are actually going shopping and feels left out if we go while she's at school.

She's clingy and wants to sit on my lap and be cuddled all the time. Will ask for help with things like drying her hair which I know she's more than capable of doing on her own. Wants praise and approval for everything she does on her own.

I'm just worried that she seems quite insecure. Her dad reckons this is because she is just slightly emotionally immature for her age mixed with hormones from starting puberty but that it will sort itself out without us doing anything.

Would you say this is normal for a nearly 11 year old?

OP posts:
Nesssie · 20/11/2018 15:02

Sounds like normal teenage behaviour to me but hopefully someone with more experience will be along soon!

MyKingdomForBrie · 20/11/2018 15:14

Sounds like insecurity to me. I'd be love bombing her, both of you.

Wallywobbles · 20/11/2018 15:21

God I'd not cope with that at all. Maybe some proper rules and structure would help. Don't know if you do already but I could not live with someone whose needs drowned everyone else's basic rights to live an easy life. She must make herself miserable too. Therapy both individual and family.

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sugarbum · 20/11/2018 15:23

Has she always been that way? or is it more recently. Or has she always been that way inclined, but its ramped up recently?

I ask that because we have an 11 year old DS. He is going through puberty. He has always had quite a 'negative' personality but lately its mixed in with teenage strops. Your descriptions sound a lot like how he behaves.

He's just started secondary , as well as moving house and he doesn't like change. He hates us, reckons we do everything 'bad' to him because we hate him, his brother is our favourite, etc etc. He also needs a lot of praise, but makes life really difficult by either not answering us, or taking forever to do something, or refusing to do it at all.
I'm hoping it passes, but I am under no illusions as to how he is wired.

caperplips · 20/11/2018 15:39

I think it might be age related as well as insecurity from her family situation.
We have a 12 year old who has lots of the same behaviours, not the cuddling and sitting on the lap but attitude at the drop of a hat, very embarrassed by us, no to trying on clothes, sulky one minute and full of highjinks the next - we reckon it must be puberty.
And we are anticipating a long few years ahead.....god help us!

twentytimes · 20/11/2018 16:38

She's always been a bit more like this but it's got a lot worse over the last year or so
I've seen more tears and tantrums from her at 10 than I ever have.

OP posts:
cookingteaforsix · 20/11/2018 16:58

I agree with PP. love bomb her. Every child needs an adult that truly believes in them.

She sounds insecure, it is not necessarily down to circumstance it could be her personality and age.

TansyViolet · 20/11/2018 17:02

I wouldn't say it's normal (my dds are older than 10) Could it be to do with feeling rejected by her mum? A few hours a fortnight isn't much.

sunshineandshowers21 · 20/11/2018 17:06

could she be about to start her periods? i started at about 9 and a half and by 11 i was very hormonal and emotional - especially whenever i was due to start. she could just be an emotional person. i’m 26 and tbh a lot of the way you described her could easily be applied to me! i’ve always been over emotional for no apparent reason.

Flower777 · 20/11/2018 17:17

It sounds like she doesn’t see her mum that much? What’s the story there?

twentytimes · 20/11/2018 18:23

Her mum basically prioritises everything else over dsd and has never been interested in doing overnights or actual care, there is probably some alcohol and mental health issues as well.
She has always said or at least pretended that she's ok with this and says's that she's just a cool aunty that she get's to go out shopping and for lunch with but wouldnt want to live with or talk to about serious stuff. There probably feelings of rejection there though which is causing most of this inscurity.

I think we do try to love bomb her as much as possible, she gets lots of attention and affection from us both.

OP posts:
AngryPrincess · 20/11/2018 20:54

Yes. Pretty normal.

Carpetglasssofa · 20/11/2018 20:57

I think she sounds very unhappy. Poor kid. Even with you and dp looking after her, the stuff about her mum will be hard for her to adjust to. Camhs may be worth talking to.

Escolar · 20/11/2018 21:06

I think it sounds within the normal range of behaviours for a 10 year old, i.e. more challenging than the average 10yo but not excessively so. I agree with previous posters that she’s probably insecure because of her mother’s lack of interest Sad.

Hang in there OP, it sounds like you’re doing a great job.

ToesInWater · 20/11/2018 21:06

She sounds like an unhappy little girl. Whether or not some of her behaviour is normal puberty stuff coupled with a tendency to negativity, she has been rejected by her mum and is probably struggling to work out her place in her family. Can you find someone for her to talk to - maybe a counsellor who works with kids? I sometimes work with kids from separated homes in a mediation context and most of them have some issues around it. It certainly doesn't mean it's all doom and gloom, but a bit of a helping hand to give her some strategies to deal with her emotions might help. Good luck.

twentytimes · 20/11/2018 21:27

Thank you for the replies.
DP did actually speak to her a few months ago and told her that although she can talk to both of us at any time that if she wanted he could arrange someone else who is good at listening for her to talk to
and she was completely opposed to the idea so he just stopped considering it.
I really can't imagine her willingly going to talk to a stranger about her feelings, there would be tears and we would be accused of trying to humiliate her and paying someone else because we didn't care enough to do it ourselves which actually probably proves she does need some help.

OP posts:
Miscella · 20/11/2018 22:32

Theraplay might be helpful for her. As this involves both the parents and child she hopefully wouldn’t feel either humiliated or like you are paying someone else because you can’t be bothered yourselves.

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