Finding motherhood hard

[RoseWrites]

I'm not sure where to post this...

I'm a FTM to a wonderful 4 month old. I don't have family near and so it's me and the baby all day. We have made loads of lovely mum friends and I love being on mat leave and having a baby. Our days are lovely.

The issues happen in the evening and at weekends. My husband is amazing domestically. He helps clean and does the vast majority of the cooking. So I know I'm lucky! :) but what I would like is help with the baby and emotional support.

The baby is EBF and understandably wants her mum a lot. We are now at a stage wherr my OH can have her for 30 minutes so I can take a shower/take a break. The issue is he rarely does. I think i have washed my hair 8 times in nearly 18 weeks! I can have days and days in a row with no break at all from the baby.

I am starting to get increasingly tired and stressed out. I dread the monitor going in the evening as it means the 1 hour I get when she's asleep before I go to bed will vanish as i will have to feed her back to sleep (which often takes over an hour)

Today I'm feeling particularly upset as last night me and my OH had a row about all this. I got uoset and cried and he ignored me. I didnt want the baby to see me upset so I gave her to my OH and went and lay down upstairs. I was strung out and essentially wailing and he completely ignored me.

I went down and took the baby back up to bed and he said nothing. I text him from our room before i fell asleep to say that I really need some help and support, and he didn't reply. He's now left for the day and didn't say bye. I feel a bit sick that I have no idea what is happening to our relationship.

I actually feel better now that it's just me and the baby for the next 11 hours! But I know by tonight I'll feel emotional and tired and upset by his lack of engagement. I also feel annoyed that I let the situation upset me!

Sorry for the ramble... AIBU to want some support? Do I need to just man up and do all the child care?

Four months is a really intense and hard age. Your baby is still massively dependent on you and very very tiny, and you've probably been sleep deprived for four months.

I personally don't think your husband is 'amazing domestically'. He sounds normal. But I guess that's not the issie.

Having a baby hits fathers too, and if this behaviour is out of character it sounds like he is maybe finding the adjustment hard. This isn't an excuse for his behaviour, but may explain it? I think something like 70% of couples feel the strain in the first year of having a baby, so you're not alone.

Do you have local baby groups? NCT friends? I found they made the days massively better.

Your husband is being unreasonable. And while I don't want to excuse his behaviour in the first year of having a baby people behave out of character. I have an agreement with my husband that anything said in the first year of our daughters life gets written off, because sometimes we just aren't very nice to each other.

This will get easier. I promise.

You’re not being unreasonable for wanting support. This is a tough phase but it does pass. Sleep deprivation is also very very hard. It hit me at about 4-5 months. Don’t know why your partner didn’t engage. Has he ever seen you like that before? Perhaps felt defensive as from his point of view he’s been trying? Sounds like you need some time to talk...when’s the best time? Can you phone him when baby asleep. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got given about marriage was not to go to bed angry: ‘You don’t have to say it’s your fault, but say you’re sorry.’ Maybe others will disagree but it opens up talking ground again? And you can explain what you need and work out together how to get it? Has he fallen into routine of leaving the baby to you? (Easy to do when breastfeeding). Maybe some talking time to explain you’re learning this too? Something that caused a lot of strain for us was that I seemed very competent and then would suddenly or so it seemed to him just break down but the truth was - with a baby things change so much all the time it would creep up on me and he wouldn’t know anything about it. Sorry this prob isn’t helpful but thinking of you and hope you can work it out. X

I’m sorry you are having a hard time and that things are pretty tough at the moment. I think it is sometimes easy for men to fall into their own ‘role’ in a relationship - and this is not meant to sound sexist when I say this - whereby they go to work, bring the money in, do the DIY etc while the mum stays at home with the baby,

I am in a similar situation with my 5 month old DS, and am doing all the night shifts and childcare of him and my 7 year old DD while my DH works full time and does a lot of the domestic chores etc. I’m very lucky he is so supportive and I really appreciate all he does for our family - laundry, ironing, cleaning etc as well as a lot of cooking recently too - but my DS isn’t EBF so my DH can occasionally give him a bottle if necessary. I do breastfeeding at night once or twice but I’m still able to get a bit more of a break as I think if I was EBF I would be in the same position as you.

I have also noticed that as I am the main caregiver, my DH finds it harder now to do the night shifts so I’m not sure my DS is more clingy towards me because of this. While I love my DS to pieces, I completely get your need to be able to have a break and get some rest / respite - looking after a baby is a full time job in itself and you need some down time to recharge your batteries a bit. Can you expeess so that your DH can give you a break? It sounds like he doesn’t fully appreciate how hard it is for you, and EBF babies often wake more so you are bound to be be feeling the effects of sleep deprivation after 4 months! It is torture if you can’t sleep, I totally get it.

Maybe show your DH this post and sit him down to discuss your feelings about how you are coping? Perhaps he doesn’t realise how tough things are for you? I’m sure once he sees how upset you are with him, he might try to give you a break and help you get some rest.

Men are sometimes a bit oblivious to these things and need them pointing out so they can relate to how hard it is! I know your baby is EBF, but it will get better in the night eventually and hopefully once you start weaning, it will help baby sleep.

Saying that you need help is a good start but I find that men need more instruction than that! Tell him exactly what you want him to do - for example, after I’ve fed baby I’m taking a shower, then I’m going out for a 20 min walk. You will need to look after her during this time.
At the weekends try and get out for a little break - even if it’s just for half an hour, a walk or a coffee in a cafe just to get some peace.
It sounds that your dh is feeling as overwhelmed as you are.

Are you breastfeeding op? Could you get dh to give her a formula bottle once before bed and she will only have eight weeks until solids so try to see the light at the end of the tunnel

Dh is good here but I do feel if you want a proper break you have to physically leave the house (go for a look around the shops, coffee shop with a book, swimming)

They just don't get it not excusing
them but they just don't have the same exhaustion and all of that isolation we have. I was glad to get back to work in a way as then I felt we were more even in our responsibility

so he "rarely" takes the baby for 30 minutes?

that's appalling. This is a DH problem.

what is his excuse for not taking her for 30 mins?!

What does he say when you ask him to take her?

You need a bit of me-time every day. He’s a parent too. No reason why you shouldn’t have a nice shower every night, or half an hour walk to clear your head etc.

4 months is so tricky... growth spurts and sleep regressions and never ending sleepless nights. When my baby was ebf at this stage I was also doing pretty much everything for them. My husband and I were sleeping in different rooms and as she would scream all night, we barely said two words to each other and they would only be about her and sleep. It's so hard for both parents. My husband admits now that he struggled to find a role for much of the first year, and felt surplus to requirement. He's quite an alpha character and likes to be the leader at work and in life generally, so I think this was totally new territory for him. I was doing everything and inevitably I was the one she wanted. He felt he didn't know what to do and that she didn't want him anyway so there was no point even trying. there are two sides to parenting and we all focus on the exhaustion etc of the mum, but sometimes we forget that men feel a bit lost and miss their wives and old life whilst this is happening. My advice would be to make time to talk to each other and if you can muster some affection then even better. Gently guide him how to do things for your baby too. But honestly things change a lot once you start weaning onto solids, and they start sitting up and crawling. He will enjoy it more, babies sleep better and it is a lot more fun being a parent. It won't be like this for much longer!

I think 4 months is such a difficult age. My DD2 is 5.5 months now and the last 2-3 weeks have got so much easier and more predictable. I’ve tried to get into more of a routine for my own sanity, as I also have a 22 month old and my DH is out of the house 7am-8pm and sometimes it all just gets a bit much! I agree with PP about things changing quickly, so from the outside you look like you’re coping fine, then out of nowhere seem to dissolve into a mess! It’s so hard.

For me, I like to chat to friends with the same age kids who can relate more than your DH can. A problem shared and all that. Sounds like you have that already.

What about your family? Anyone who can support you emotionally? My mum, although she lives a couple of hours away, is always the voice of reason and a chat on the phone when things are getting too much really helps.

Does your baby nap?
Have you tried taking the baby in the bathroom when you shower? Mine seems to like that, and the soothing sound of the hairdryer after!

I know that feeling when you’re just desperate for DH to get home and take the baby off you, but is there a way you can pop him down and make time for yourself during the day more? Otherwise you are so dependent on them and just waiting for them to get home.

Another thing! I am addicted to this buggy fitness class I do - if that’s your sort of thing. It’s some ‘you time’ but you don’t need childcare. I’ve met some lovely mums there and got fitter and it’s fresh air for you and baby too.

Sorry I’ve rambled on. I know exactly how you feel and it honestly won’t be this hard for much longer.

Thank you for your messages :)

@Needallthesleep my new baby friends habe been a god send!

@oatmilk4breakfast I do think the fact that DD is EBF means that DH doesn't do much. I also think you're right that he feels defensive...

@NooNooHead sorry you're in the thick of it too! Dh does seem a bit oblivious. He asks what i need and I say just a break of up to 30 minutes. And every day of seems to come as a shock and 99% of the time he doesn't seem able to have her so I get a break! I think I need to be even more explicit... !

@Littlelambpeep @grace212 @chocolatecake12 He says he doesn't have the time to take her.

Or what often happens is, he'll say he'll have her and then just put her on her mat and I can then hear her crying. I can't bear it so I go and get her. I then don't get any break and end up with an unsettled baby- which makes taking a break in future loads less appealing!

Going out the house is a good idea, but I'm reluctant to if it'll mean she cries. It feels selfish to take a break at her expense...

I don't think I've replied to everyone as it's hard writing on my phone and feeding!

It's good to hear it gets easier... :)

This sounds really rough, you deserve to be able to wash your hair and feel nice.
You really need to ask him how he can find some time to help you out because it's making you feel really down.
I breastfed both of mine and my dp was never very hands on when they were under 1.
If I was really struggling with dd2 I used to put dd1 to bed and then dp would take the baby for a drive or a walk so I could wash or sleep.

How can he say he doesn't have time?

You need to tell him bluntly to interact with his own child. Not just to give you a break, but because he chose to bring her into the world, playing with her is the least he can do surely.