Do you hide your emotions from your kids?

[JFDIplease]

I’m feeling very low and like a rubbish mum.

I’ve got a lot of stress from being treated badly - or at least I think I’m being treated badly - at work, am a single parent (although kids’ dad has them A LOT, at his suggestion) and feeling fairly rubbish.

Last night I shouted “for fuck’s sake” at one of the kids after they - having been told to sit still/ on the sofa - commando rolled off the edge of the sofa and accidentally kicked a stack of plates with cracker crumbs off the coffee table. This one is 9, so not a tiny child. I then had a bit of a rant and ended up crying about respect etc.

This morning, I swore again after one of them accidentally knocked over a glass of milk. Then I was upset and crying at feeling like a failure for having sworn.

I feel like being so fucking angry at my job situation is spilling over and leaving me unable to cope with what are actually pretty good, polite kids with normal childish behaviour. Then I think about how I cannot just leave my job (teacher, so very much need to keep school holidays until youngest child is out of primary school, which is still several years away) because I’m single and have no safety net, then I get angry at myself and my ex for all our joint failings that have left me single. I have cried so much in the last 12/13 hours and my watch tells me I was asleep for nine of them...

Do other parents suffering stress take it out on their kids? I feel like a failure for swearing but also for then crying so much. I’ve been having counselling to try to address this very issue but after 5 sessions (free through work, confidentially) I’m no better than I was in the summer when I first sought help.

Is it just me? Has anyone behaved like this and managed to stop it? If so, how did you do it?

Thank you for reading if you got this far.

Sorry you’re having such a rough time, OP. For me, the key is how you deal with your emotions after the outburst — I mean, how you manage them for the children. If I lose it or cry around DS (6), I apologise and explain in a child-appropriate way, and make sure that (a) he understands that it’s my issue, and that there was a reason for it and (b) apologise. I may also say it would help if he didn’t do whatever maddening thing he’s just done.

Thank you BedHair. I do apologise, tell them I love them and why I was upset in a reasoned way - and they seem largely unaffected by it. I just wish I could deal with it better in the moment. I don’t swear at kids at school who do irritating things, so why can’t I apply that self control to my own kids, who mean everything to me? That’s why I get so angry with myself I think.

I was about to say what Bedhair had already said (more eloquently than I could!). There are definitely moments when my stress spills over and I'm more angry at them than I think I should bed, but I apologise afterwards, and explain why I reacted the way I did. ("Mummy's late for work, and it's making me cross, and that's not your fault, but it would really help me if you didn't mess about while I'm trying to get you ready." That sort of thing.)

And yes, spilling a glass of milk accidentally is definitely one that I've lost it over!

Beyond that, I try not to let them see me cry (exceptions - when family members have died) but I have a DH who can distract the DCs while I have a quiet moment to myself. My DCs are younger, and as they get a bit older, I'll be a bit more open. Doesn't hurt them to see that everyone feels cross and sad at times.

I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time. Go easy on yourself. You say you can't leave your job, but there are always other options. You just have to find the mental energy to explore them - which isn't easy when you're already feeling stressed and exhausted.

Thank BlueBrush. I appreciate both of your kindness.

I can leave my job for another school with a less-shit line manager - but have to find another one close by that will let me work part time. There are lots of admin type jobs round here, or retail, that I would love to have a try at but none where I could afford them while childcare is so expensive before/after school and during holidays. I’ve been teaching so long the salary is pretty high and jobs in other sectors don’t pay so much. I’m 40 and already have 28 years to pay on the mortgage so extending that isn’t really doable. Maybe when there only one child at primary to pay for, I don’t know.

Thanks for replying x