Tell me this is a bad idea (Wendied)

[WheresTheEvidence]

So I have been part of a sports group for almost 2 years. In that time I have made some friends and also have acquaintances that I meet up with for coffee/dinner etc. All very amicable.

There is 1 girl J who started at the same time
We have been friends- I've had her over for dinner, gone out for drinks/day trips etc; not best friends but a blossoming friendship I also supported her through a particular tough time earlier in the year.

About 4 months ago I overheard J speaking to other friends about an event that she had organised but not been invited too. In a friendship group of 10 I was the only one not invited or told about (despite having seen her the night before to support her through a bad time) I spoke to another friend who was going but it had been done so that noone knew I'd been left out and when people found out noone attended this event as they didnt want to be involved.

I asked an what was going on and she stated "you weren't invited as I find you quite childish at times" which she didnt open upto discussion and the only thing I can think this is, is because I often get the giggles when with a specific friend but its never malicious or over the top and can be controlled. I sent her a message the next day to say I was hurt and could we talk and she replied saying she was sorry that I had gotten upset about it.

3 months on and we still see each other several times a month but I am very much on the outer periphery of the group. A group of them now have dropped me and they do their own things (which I would have been invited to attend before) and blank me when we're out in a group together.

I have recently learnt from a new member of the group who was part of their group for a short while that they are told not to talk to me as I have so much drama in my life. The I do; death, unemployment, I'll health recently in a very short period of time but generally I am more life of the party than sitting there navel gazing.

So I've had enough. Somehow J has managed to turn several of my acquaintances away from at least chatting to me, I am ignored at functions by the whole group of them and I don't know or understand why. (I promise I have done a lot of reflection to try and understand) funnily enough all those together in their group are known for bitching or hating each other before the union and making of the "we hate ..." group.

So I keep thinking about calling J and asking her for a coffee to work out what happened I dont want to be friends with them but I would like to know what happened or my perceived crime.

Help!

I don't think anything you say to J is going to change things.

But my concern would be that they do the mean girl thing of texting each other saying I've been in touch and laughing at me. When all I want is closure

I think the best way to get closure is to move on and maybe find a group with nicer people.

Just disengage from J.

You have not done anything wrong. So what if you get the giggles sometime.

She’s the one who is childish. And cruel to boot.

The ones who believe her bullshit aren’t worth it. FFS, what kind of grown woman goes along with “being told not to speak to someone because they are having too much drama in their life”. And ill health/bereavement isn’t “drama” it’s just what life is sometimes. Anyone who avoids someone on that basis is just callous and selfish.

My best guess is either she is just like this, or she has some twisted notion that because you both joined the group at the same time, that it’s some kind of competition to see who passes their “probation” the best.

You have done nothing wrong. People who are decent don’t see how twisted and manipulative bad people are right away, because it would honestly never occur to them to do something like that themselves, so they can’t get their head round it in others. That’s all this is.

Again, you have done nothing wrong. You can’t fix someone that twisted and it’s not your responsibility to. Anyone who falls for that isn’t going to be a proper friend anyway. You don’t have time for this nonsense in your life.

"The ones who believe her bullshit aren’t worth it. FFS, what kind of grown woman goes along with “being told not to speak to someone because they are having too much drama in their life”"

This is what I generally think and also why do I want to be friends or associate with someone who acts like this or treats me/others like this. However as the team socialise and work together its very awkward and just drives me potty.

Thank you

‘a new member of the group who was part of their group for a short while”

This shows that not everyone falls for it. Stand your ground, concentrate on the people who haven’t fallen for this. I didn’t say withdraw from the group completely.

But you don’t have to reach out to J (or her cronies) or make it right. Look up the grey rock technique with narcissists.

Practice a combination of taking the high road and ignoring her. E.g. if she or one of the group directly address you, answer politely, even if it’s just to say you don’t feel comfortable engaging with that.

You’ll need to find a way to get comfortable with the irritation this causes you. My best bet would be to say channel the energy into something productive, but I could see how some kind of relaxation technique would work for some people. Accept you can’t change them.

If they start to directly attack you, you’ll need to reconsider. But stand your ground.

Ah meant to say the new girl came and gold me all this info when she was ostracized as she had a major lifechanging op and was apparently bringing everyone down talking about it.

To be honest, you are hard work.

There is one answer, don’t engage.

No-one else is going to tell you any different.

Stop being a pain.

Bit tight Janet

Cam down, Janet

Ha ha, calm, obviously

Come on Janet, be nice.
Op, don’t bother feeding the nonsense by wanting closure. Sometimes people are just bloody horrible. She’d love you to want to find out why you are being left out. Find s different group and just forget them. Life really is pretty short to waste energy on people who are so spiteful or easily controlled. Saddos.

I’m getting mixed signals from your posts, OP. It’s a sports group you’ve been attending for two years, at a time when you clearly have a lot of difficult personal stuff also happening — but sometimes you are also saying ‘friendship group’, which I would see as a very different thing to a group of random people whose only common ground is their shared sport. It’s not clear to me whether the ten people J invited to her event were all from the sport group as well, or a different group — and now that a subsection of the larger sports group does its own thing socially, isn’t it possible it’s just a matter of the original group being too big and diverse to hang out together all the time?

And ask yourself whether your tendency to public giggling isn’t more annoying than you realise?

I honestly don’t believe in social groups of adults who obey the instructions of one member about ostracising another member, unless everyone involved is very young.

Either way, you can’t conrol anyone else’s behaviour, and I don’t think you should try. If you still enjoy the sports activity, keep doing it, but look elsewhere for friends? I go out with a running group, and we’re casually friendly, but I wouldn’t want this kind of teenage drama surrounding something I do because I like the activity, which is more important to me than the people involved.

I spoke to another friend who was going but it had been done so that noone knew I'd been left out and when people found out noone attended this event as they didnt want to be involved.

I wonder if you are trying to out "wendy" each other.

Why would you invite J for coffee? She's a two faced cow. Tell her she can get to fuck with her childish mean girl attitude and take the rest of the bitches with her. Then walk away from the lot of them.

Having recently been 'wendied' I now have a strict fuck them policy. I'm actually a very nice and helpful person by nature but if you want to be an arsehole then you don't get nice glen!

Walk away with your head held high.

Why bother? Life is too short to try to figure out what goes on in some people's heads. I'd move on entirely, just disengage from them all entirely.

So no-one's allowed to talk about ill health/operations/deaths in the family? Because it brings people down? What the fuck is that about? Isn't that what friends are for? To support us when needed and rejoice when we have good times? J sounds totally bonkers.

Ah meant to say the new girl came and gold me all this info when she was ostracized as she had a major lifechanging op and was apparently bringing everyone down talking about it

If this is true, then you really should not care what these people think of you. It's upsetting and annoying, but move on.

I often get the giggles when with a specific friend but its never malicious or over the top and can be controlled

Maybe this giggling affects other people more than you imagine. You might think it's never malicious and can be controlled, but how does anyone else know that ? To another adult you'd sound like a child stupidly giggling . If "it can be controlled" maybe you should control it instead of just letting it all happen .