How to stop pushing people away

[Hisaishi]

I have always found it hard to make and maintain friendships. I am a relatively out-going, basically friendly person, but people often comment that I always seem like I am too cool, or not interested in being friends. Basically, I really worry about being hurt by people, so I tend to make excuses not to meet/I rarely invite people to make plans etc. When I feel people start to get close, I know I push them away.

Anyone else have experience of this? How can I stop pushing people away all the time?

Watching, as I know I do the same.
My comfort zone is “friendly casual acquaintance” - so happy to chat in a group or while working.
I started fending people off after splitting from my ex - definitely didn’t want another lying cheating git in my life - and it’s so long ago I’ve forgotten how to do anything else.
Sorry, not much help, but you aren’t the only one.

Well, insight is a great first step. I had some psychoanalysis which I felt very helpful for learning about why I repeat the patterns I do and how I’d prefer things to be.

senior thanks, even just know I'm not alone is good!

blockbuster I have had some therapy but can't afford it right now, sadly.

Is there something from your past that you DON'T talk about, so although you've virtually forgotten about it you subconsciously know it's there and it affects your behaviour with others.

Or are you anxious about how you come over to others so, although you are being friendly, you aren't really concentrating on them or what they say but are wondering if you are acting standoffish/ sound too pushy/ don't seem friendly etc.
I do the second, so instead of, when I leave the friend, wondering about their predicament/ family member/ whatever they talked about I am paranoiding about what they are thinking of me. Was I witty/ sympathetic/ helpful enough, which is self -centred and so not going to help you make friends.

witchy Hard to say. I definitely don't really worry how I come across I don't think, but more like as soon as I find people starting to be close, I just think 'no thanks' and (figuratively) run away. I wouldn't say I'm socially awkward or anything like that and I don't spend time mulling over what I've said/done afterwards.

I feel like it's more I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to eg ask people out for drinks in case they say no, or ask if they want to do something. I don't deal well with rejection, I don't think.

Is it a self-esteem thing - that you think people won't really want to be with you once they get to know you. I would think continuing the therapy when you can afford it would be useful.

Another one watching with interest. I can chat to school mums, people I work with, shop assistants in places I go regularly and know they like me (they’ve commented to me and others). But I have no friends, never swap numbers, never meet up with anyone. People who’ve known me in the past and I’ve since run into again have told me they and their friends were fascinated by me/ wished they were in my group of friends (what group?!) but were intimidated/ thought I came across as too cool. I’m naturally shy and would never dare put myself out there by suggesting a meet up and tend to edge away when work nights out etc are discussed as I feel I’d be a complete outsider in a group situation. I doubt I’ll ever make a friend now at my age (had friends in primary school, 2 friends in sixth form which only lasted the 2 years I was there, 2 friends from age 21-26 which ended when 1 divorced and moved away {occasional contact until he died} and with the other when I had children and she couldn’t {too painful for her}). I’m 41, and lonely but don’t see that changing now.

witchy I wish it was an option but where we live it costs about 150 pounds a session and just not an option now.

howmany the thing is I'm sure I COULD make friends...just not sure how. Sorry you find it similarly hard.