Could do with a bit of advice

[Sodthis4agameofsoldiers]

Moan alert! I need some sound advice about my situation. I'm nearly 50, work full time and have dd14 and ds16 and dp who lives with me. I'm really struggling atm with the pressures of being the breadwinner and feel like the only adult here. My dp is self employed and works very long hours but earns hardly anything which causes no end of rows! He's kind and loving on a very basic level but loses his stuff if I ever challenge anything he says or does. We've been together for 4years now, the first 2 I supported him financially and never asked for a penny towards anything then after 2years asked him to make a contribution which was 50 quid a week. He pays on time most times but I'm really dissatisfied now- it's like having a lodger but he doesn't seem to be able to think like a partner. He's distant and doesn't take an interest in my lovely kids which breaks my heart. He never helps with housework and is chaotic, my home is smelly and untidy and my kids just drop everything and don't lift a finger. Truth is I'm exhausted, I've no family except elderly parents who I care for by dropping in every couple of days, cooking the odd meal and doing their washing and housework. I also have fibromyalgia, chronic depression and macular degeneration and need injections in my eyes every month, I need to travel 16o miles every month for treatment and rely on Dp as I can't drive or afford a train. DP doesn't really seem to be very switched on, he drinks every day and so do I now, he never speaks and I can't remember the last time I had a conversation with anyone. I never get time to myself, DP has started several projects in our home and ds has had his bedroom torn apart for 8 weeks while dp gets some diy done- he's a joiner by trade but isn't very organised! I work as a nurse but struggle now. I'm slowly losing my sight too which is very scary. My kids seem very withdrawn and I'm so worried about them. When I try to talk to dp about how I feel he shouts me down and tells me I'm being stupid. I would love to change how I'm living but don't know where to start! We've not managed a holiday for 4years and haven't gone out as a family or a couple for 2years. I'm at breaking point! Yesterday I came home to find dp in a flap with all sorts of tools out saying we had an emergency and lost power in the garage- I found he'd switched off the power from the switch in the kitchen- he denied doing it then admitted he thought he'd turned my washer off, trouble is he'd turned the chest freezer off too at some point and ruined about 200 quids worth of food, he didn't offer to contribute but Said I was mad when I threw all the defrosted food away.
Last week I just stopped him when I came in to find him heating up soup in a pyrex dish on the gas hob! He's 51years old. Any offers?

I can't really see that you are getting anything positive out of this relationship.

Ditto Littlefish!

I think you should think about him leaving. Your children are young adults and need to be contributing with chores and helping you.
Can you write down what you would like life to be like and then workout what you need to do to make that happen. You only get one life.
Good luck!

I think I'd be better off without him too if I didn't need him to get me to the hospital but without his help I'll lose my sight! I know that sounds lame but I'm so tired and don't know if there's any alternative. I'm worried about putting my kids through yet another breakup too, over the past 12 years I've had 2 partners, the first was physically abusive and beat me, I needed to get the police to get him out of my house and now my current partner. I've asked him to leave 3 times this year but he ignores me and carries on regardless. I feel so powerless! I hate how pathetic I sound but don't think I could cope without the little support he gives me. The other thing is all the jobs left half done at home- He's wrecked the place

My kids seem very withdrawn and I'm so worried about them

This part of your post stood out for me, and you need to think about why they may be feeling like that. Is it because they see their mother putting up with being treated badly by her dp, and they feel powerless to do anything about it?

It's like having a lodger It isn't though, is it? A lodger would be paying their way, and being polite to you at the very least.

Do you think it might be possible that your kids are withdrawn because they witness the disparity and dispair in your relationship?

Thank you so much for all of your replies, I'm not a weak person per say but feel overwhelmed by it all atm. Good point about writing things down, I used to do this all the time to take back control of things. I can drive but seem to have lost my confidence so don't drive out of town. I have awful social anxiety too so feel unable to talk to other people, all I do is moan right now anyway so not great company! I think I need to climb out of this negative slump and show my kids what to expect from a partner. Any advice is very welcome x

I found that difficult to read, so may have missed something vital. I gleaned: self sufficient woman with teenage children, entertaining a freeloader. If that is indeed the summary, do the right thing. Kick him out.

Oh lovely, you can’t stay with someone who is dragging you down just because they take you to the hospital! Hospitals provide transport you know.

It sounds exhausting. Your health issues would be tough enough but having to take care of him, tread on eggshells around him can only be making things worse. Your comment about your kids being withdrawn stood out to me too. I grew up in a house where one parent regularly shouted at the other. It was not good. Please consider what’s best for you and your kids long term.

Kick him out. He's a freeloader.

Tell him he needs to go by Sunday. Then Monday if he's not gone change the locks, I changed mine myself whilst my ex was down the pub. If you don't feel capable get a locksmith or handyman to do it for you.

Once he's out the way, ask the kids to help you by doing more round the house.

Faithinfinity It had occurred to me to ask about hospital transport, I know it sounds silly but it's essential i get treatment but as I work I might not get it but worth the ask. I think I might be making excuses because I'm frightened of being on my own. I grew up in a very abusive environment and mum and dad were constantly fighting so I'm really conscious of how that behaviour affects kids. I'll get my house in order and make a plan, then act. He told me I was abusing him the other day but don't feel like i am, after all he can leave whenever he wants but it's my home! I did give him both barrels though tbh (kids weren't around)
happinessischocolate- I can change locks, I'll save up for a set of new ones.

It's so helpful to know it's not me- I do doubt myself a lot, all I hear from him is what I'm doing wrong and I need to stop being so unreasonable! Even when he turned the power off he blamed me for having a stupid house and he's never known power to be taken off a spare in the kitchen- so my fault obviously.

Definitely look into transport. Obviously they do non-emergency ambulance transport but they also do cars with volunteers for those who are mobile but couldn’t get themselves there otherwise. I don’t know if you’d be eligible but it’s worth asking.

Him saying you abuse him is ringing alarm bells for me. Yes it’s scary to think of doing things on your own but I’m more worried about you staying in this relationship. - it sounds like he’s grinding you down

I do feel for you. He's not a partner, he is a lodger.

Speak to him very seriously about how you feel pointing out everything you've said here and if he doesn't wake up his ideas, consider parting from him. I can tell you think a lot of him so I hope he does pull it out of the bag, even if slowly, for both your sakes. He wouldn't find lodgings so cheap anywhere else!

However life begins at 50 for so many people and you have many good years ahead of you to enjoy.

x

I feel quite relieved and more sure of myself after reading all the responses here, thanks for taking the time to read my moans. My first priority is for my children's wellbeing, they're doing well at school and have a small group of friends which is reassuring. I seem to have lost touch with myself and just kept going with work and responsibility without actually stopping to really think. Me and the kids used to be a team but in trying to make up for not being completely present for them I've just let them become isolated and met their material needs without nurturing them. My dp chastises me for cuddling ds16 and says it's wrong but right or wrong I'll always be there with a cuddle even when he's 50 if he needs it. My kids are home this weekend but staying with their dad the next so would be the best time to have a heart to heart with dp. I'm not sure how I'll break the news to the kids though- dp's not a monster, I just don't think he's really grown up and accepted responsibility for himself and at 51 doubt he ever will. I need to get my confidence in myself back somehow. The only thing I'm really sure about is that the way we're living is not healthy and probably contributing to my health issues.

He says you shouldn’t hug your child? Who cares if he’s 16? He still needs love and affection!

I think you may find the kids are okay with the decision. Find something just for you to do, a hobby, a passion. I learned to crochet via YouTube videos. I really enjoy it and it makes me happy.

You can do it!

You can do it - you deserve more, and if hospital cannot give transport, and it’s a regular thing do any groups do any transport? We have a transport group in our village

That was really hard to read.
I’d end the relationship. He sounds awful.
I’d make a list of things you and the dc like to do, and start rebuilding your lives by doing one fun things from the list each weekend. Invite friends round.
Contact the hospital and ask them to provide transport.
Good luck.
Life should be about a lot more than yours is...

Whoa! You need to really think this through, you have had good advice on here. You are with someone who takes no interest in your children, does not help at home, does not contribute financially and does not even know the basics of how to cook! Your children are not getting hugs and are withdrawn.

He is a lodger, that's all, one who doesn't pay the rent, and a disruptive one at that. He is slowly eroding your family and your health. Your children will drift away from you as they become older and I bet they feel neglected, that you give your attention to an idiot who is literally tearing their house apart. Be careful, you could lose them and could be losing their respect already.

No one would tell me I couldn't hug my kids! No matter what age they are.

For God's sake kick him out. Change the locks. Obtain hospital transport. Take a holiday and do nice things with your children, take them out, give them some attention, love them. Then negotiate with them re: household tasks, make up a rota, tell them how you feel, reconnect with them, build up a healthy family dynamic and enjoy the years before they fully grow into adults. You are young, with many years in front of you and you should enjoy them without being dragged down by some Neanderthal, controlling freeloader.

What everyone else said but also may be worth contacting RNIB for advice (if you haven't already) and find out if there is a local support group.

OP, my oh also does pyrex on electric hob and blew up 2 into smithereens (and still hasn't learnt the lesson), just be very careful who is in the kitchen when that's going on.

I am also struggling as can't see way out with disabled dc feel, for you

I'm so pleased I posted my moans! I was at such a low point last night but feel so much clearer now about what I need to do. Today's not a good day to end things but reckon the best thing to do is phase him out and slowly regain my independence and connection with my 2 dc. I took dd out this afternoon sorting the Samaritans purse Christmas parcels which is just so amazing! If there's a centre near you they're desperate for helpers! Ds didn't want to go but he's 16 and got his mock exams coming up so stayed in his room. I'm booking for just the 3 of us to go to beamish at Christmas which we've never been to and I've found cheap train tickets.
I'm making a list of things I need to address then I'll be all ready. I've told dp that I don't see a future together but as usual he ignored me (he thinks it's just a phase I'm going through!) But then he's never respected anything I say.
None of this would've happened without straight no nonsense advice, I really appreciate genuine people.
GlassHeart1, I feel your pain. Perhaps we should buy metal casserole dishes and mixing bowls

Lovely, if he’s never respected anything you say, why would you stay with him?