Please help. Not coping with baby.

[Upsetmummy27]

She cries all the time and wants to feed constantly. When I pick her up my 2 year old cries to sit on my knee and doesn’t understand I have to feed the baby. He is very clingy right now. If I put her down she starts crying straight away. I can’t feed her constantly. I’m worn out. I can’t get a decent meal or a decent nights sleep. I haven’t eaten 3 meals a day since before she was born. I seem to burst into tears at the drop of a hat. I know it will get better but right now I can’t see how to manage another day without falling apart let alone possible weeks of this.

I've been there, as have most of us if we're honest! You don't sound as if there is anything wrong with you apart from sheer exhaustion. You need some help, it seems like a really long road ahead but this time where you are right now is the worst, baby has become more wakeful and alert and knows that they only want you! Also colicky behaviour kicks in around this age which is bloody terrible so it could be a few things. Is there anyone that can take baby out or watch them while you catch up on some sleep? Your toddler will adjust. And will not remember any of this so don't beat yourself up. Things will get better.

I've said this on other threads, I drank fennel tea with my dd and her colic just vanished, it's definitely worth a try even asda sell it. She used to scream the place down until she went almost blue, then I started the tea and she never did it again. Could have been coincidence I know, but worth a try.

I don’t really feel confident sharing my location but thank you so much for the offers of help with the little ones. I really do appreciate them. I have been seeing my mum and sister which does help but I haven’t told them how I feel. Perhaps I should tell them some of it. I have just been trying to put a brave Face on it when I see them.
mossyroundhill that is exactly how I feel. Like I could just hand her over to someone else and walk out. She won’t take a dummy but she does sometimes settle in a bouncer for an hour or so. I might just have a look at swings and see what there is on eBay.
cleo2628 I have an ergobaby structured carrier. I haven’t used it with her yet and I’m not sure how comfortable it would be for round the house but I think I may give it a go tomorrow. If she seems happier and more settled I could look for a soft carrier. Maybe it would also free me up a bit more for my son.
iseethelight I will look up cmpa and see what I can find on it. I don’t really fancy going to dairy free but I’m willing to try anything right now. I have been seriously considering switching to bottles so I can at least let someone else take over occasionally.

Can you get out and about? Maybe a playgroup or library storytime would distract your 2 yo and give you some company. Or allow him to run around the park. Do you have sling for lo, as it may be easier to play handsfree and lull her to sleep.

Hi there, all my babies had bad reflux and I struggled for the first couple of months because of it. However, when I had baby number 5, someone suggested I feed her little and often then keep her upright for 20 mins after each feed. It worked a treat! Hardly sick at all and she was so much calmer. At first I thought I’d be constantly feeding her but in reality, because she managed to keep her milk down she fed less often than she would if she was vomiting and feeling hungry straight away again. Rather than hold her for 20 mins, maybe you could pop her in a car seat and prop her up a bit. Then your toddler won’t feel your constantly attached to baby.
You’re probably not feeling bonded because you’re experiencing a really tough time. What is there to enjoy between feeding, crying and a toddler? It’s such a short lived time, it will pass really soon. I so hope the feeding thing helps because for me it made all the difference.

Just to say. I’ve asked for help with this with my previous 4 babies and hv and mw just said they didn’t have a clue!
My new hv came up with the advice and I was so grateful. If your bf baby and she’s feeding really regularly she may only be getting fore milk, which is thirst quenching but not filling. More she feeds, more you produce. The breast needs to get emptied pretty much. In the end they advised me to bottle feed which helped loads. X

@Upsetmummy27 it can be quite hard to get GP to prescribe things like neocate (they cost the NHS £28 a tin or something like that). It might be quicker to go dairy free. I was DF for over a year and DD is now almost 5 and still DF - honestly you do need to check all labels but so many things have alternatives now. You might also need to cut soya as a large percentage of babies with CMPA also have soya allergy. But definitely speak with your GP, they should refer you to a gastroenterology paediatrician and/or paediatric dietician. Please do join the Facebook group, people are incredibly helpful eg if your GP is less than useful (seems a theme for CMPA, they thmend to brush it off as colic).

Also second the idea of a sling, I had a moby sling which DD lived in, it definitely helped and I could eat with both hands (unheard of luxury prior to the sling).

@Flatwhite32 It's unbelievably hard. We only have 1 child as I don't think I could go through it again. I was a walking zombie. It was horrific, having zero sleep for months on end and seeing your baby in so much pain. I was so jealous of mums in baby groups with happy babies. I still partially panic when I hear a baby cry now. I don't think that people get how hard it is unless you've gone through it. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi love that sounds so tough.
I'm going through the exact same thing.
Tonight I have cracked after having a break down in the GPs office. I'm a lone parent and my sister came today to do controlled crying. Sorry I know it's not for everyone but after one hour of rushing and patting in the cot he fell asleep for the first time ever in 7 months.
Even if you don't want to do anything like that (I couldn't w,/o my sister help) I just want you to know I feel for you for being so exhausted it's so tough x

Hi devonshire I’m sorry you are struggling too. I hope some of the ideas and tips people on here have given may help you too.
I will definitely be trying them all out to se if I can find some that work. I will speak to my health visitor Monday and the gp at my 6 week check if I’m still feeling no better. My 6 week check isn’t until about 9 weeks as I kept forgetting to book it.

Sorry OP I just realised your baby is only 6 weeks (I mistook for 6 months)
I would not recommend controlled crying and agree it sounds like reflux or CMPA. My baby just cry be
cause we are in bed habits ha ha

As for seeing your HV ask her to phone the GP and discuss with them your concerns that way when you go in you don't have to worry about remembering stuff etc and your GP will have had a heads up.
Your HV also has access to discretionary funding for nursery...enquire If your 2 year old could get some sessions at a play group. Insist you need a break, they have the resources to fund child care if you need the support.
Also ask about beta blockers with the GP. So many people recommend anti depressants which of course work, but I found constant crying really triggers anxiety and the flight or fight response. Beta blockers have helped with this really helped keep me calm in times of stress.

You poor thing; that’s tough. Do you have a Home Start group in your area?
www.home-start.org.uk

I will ask about beta blockers. I do have bad anxiety so maybe they will be of more help than antidepressants.
My 2 year old does have a nursery but they are shut for a short while. He definitely was a bit better when he was going to that then.
I have checked that website and I do have a local home start group. Can they be of much help? Do I need to get a health visitor or gp to refer me to them?

I don’t really fancy going to dairy free but I’m willing to try anything right now. I have been seriously considering switching to bottles so I can at least let someone else take over occasionally.

@Upsetmummy27 I felt like this to begin with, and still do sometimes (particularly in cafes. Many don't do dairy free cake!). However, seeing the difference in DD makes it all worth it. Don't get me wrong, she still cries at times like all babies, but it's generally due to hunger, being tired or having too many people in her face, so normal baby stuff really! How is your DD's skin? My DD's terrible skin was the first sign that something wasn't right. Do you express? I express daily so DH can help out!

don't think that people get how hard it is unless you've gone through it.
@ISeeTheLight This is so true. I reached out to internet communities for help, as there was nobody I could talk to about it. I was honestly on the verge of PND because of it.

@Flatwhite32 my daughters skin is very dry and slightly blotchy but otherwise ok. I haven’t tried to express yet although she does have an occasional bottle of formula. I wasn’t very successful at expressing with my son but it’s wirth a try again this time round.

The doctor seemed to think it’s more likely she has colic than reflux and wouldn’t prescribe anything but gaviscon so I’ll kust have to try that.

OP some lovely advice on here and hope it has helped. I just wanted to pick up on what you have said above about not telling your mum and sister about how you are really feeling and encourage you to open up to them and ask for the help and support you really need. I suspect they will be delighted to be able to help. As will friends. I made a (largely unspoken) deal with my friends when my twins were babies that if they wanted to visit for a cuddle, then they needed to bring dinner, make the tea or change some nappies! There is so much pressure on women to be the perfect mother but as you can see from the responses on here - there is no such thing; most people find it incredibly hard at times. You owe it to yourself and to your lovely kids to put yourself first and get a break, even if just for an hour or so occasionally. Good luck OP. As others have said - it does get better!

I have 4 OP with just under 2 years between each of them. that early stage IS very hard.. I want to pick up on what you said about feeling disconnected to your dd. I felt that way with DS I had a traumatic labour and even though I liked him and looked after him. made sure he was clean and fed. I didn't have the love for him that I had felt for his sisters. (he is my 3rd) It made me feel so very guilty as he was really a lovely baby.. this likely made the time even harder as I was trying to juggle so much and adding guilt to it was not easy.

One day he was about 3-4 months old. I had changed him and he was on the bed. sort of playing peekaboo with me with a face flannel.. and he giggled for the first time.. My heart just swelled and I realised I really did love him.. I had just been so exhausted and felt like so much was on me that I had not been able to feel it.

He will be 17 next month. Taller than me, hair always all over the place Charms everyone he meets a complete social butterfly. Every time he walks into a room my heart melts a little. He is my amazing wonderful happy charming boy. I have a fierce love for him. Very different to that of his sisters (not stronger just different) He makes me proud to be his mother every day.

Your love for your dd will be there if your keeping her clean and fed. Just give it time to show itself. the way we love our children is not the same. They are individual people so each person we love we love in a different way. Your dd and you will find your relationship and you will discover your love for her. Don't worry about that. The very fact you are keeping her clean, fed and is worried about reflux and breastfeeding tells me just how wonderful a mother to her you are.

(Get a soft sling my 2nd 3rd and 4th lived in them so I could get time with their older siblings)

Isn't it absolutely shit trying to manage a new baby? Sorry but I wouldn't wish those first 6 weeks on my worst enemy. I thought it'd be better with my second but it was worse!
People are ringing you up saying 'oh you must be delighted!'. And you don't feel you can share the truth - 'Ah, no, it's a fucking waking nightmare truth be told luv and at 4am some nights I have considered the possibility of putting a pillow over my baby's face because I can't see any other way out of this thing'. Yes I've been there. Of course I'd never hurt my baby but that idea did come into my mind in the early days. Because the crying is relentless and there seems to be nothing you can do to make life any easier for them.
Bear in mind that things often do get better with babies after 6 weeks. Their stomachs are maturing all the time and start to be able to handle the milk more. Mine had vomiting like this and very unsettled, cried her head off night and bloody day. I had to bring the pram upstairs at night so I could lie on the bed and wheel her continuously. That and walking the floor singing songs with her on my shoulder. Keeping my other child aged 2 in daycare really helped to get that little break of being able to nap when she eventually stopped crying during the day. She's an absolutely smashing young teen now as good as gold. I'd go back and do it all again in a heartbeat in exchange for what I get to share my life with now.
You can kind of handle things during the day but at night on your own it's awful. This is a tunnel - there is a time limit on feeling this bad, it won't go on forever and it WILL GET BETTER in the future. Reach out and get all the help you can to get you through these early bad times. Here's to cold cups of tea lying around the house Some day soon you'll get to drink the whole cup while it's still hot!