I'm doing a shitty thing, but does this make it any better?

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Basically, we agreed to go to a soft play party a few weeks ago for a nursery child. It's £12 per head. My DD doesn't even know who this child is, despite them going to nursery together, but we agreed to go. I know there will be around 20-30 other children attending the party. Now, 2 days before the party, we've booked a last minute holiday so will miss it. I've got a present already and am going to apologise and inform the parents that we aren't able to make it, but not give a specific reason.

I know this is a shitty thing to do, but my only defence is that this really is our only opportunity to go abroad. My DH was only informed today that he has a week off. This is the first time since 2013 that we've been able to take a week off together. We're also trying for a baby, so that limits us going abroad for a few years. My DD is 4 and we've never felt confident to do it until now. It's this week, or wait a few years.

Shall I offer to pay (but the parents might refuse it) or just put the money in an envelope and put it in with the present, explaining what it is?

No need to tell me it's out of order, I already know. But this is right for my family and DD won't be missed.

I'd just give the present and offer to pay your cost. I don't think it's a big deal at all!

At least you are letting them know. I had a couple just not turn up. They may still be able to fill your position and, if they don't, they have the money so no harm done

But they might feel obliged to say no to it out of politeness. Then again, they might feel insulted if I just slip it in the gift bag without informing them. 🤔

Give your present and just say you have booked a last minute holiday

no need to overthink it

Some places only charge you for the kids who turn up, as long as it doesn't fall below a certain number, so they might not even have to pay at all.

You are overthinking this. Your child and this child aren't best friends so it is fine. Yes, offer the money. If they say no to the money that's OK, their choice. Really not a problem here.

OP this is so far down the "shitty things" list it hardly registers!

Just text the mom and say "sorry dd won't be able to make the party now as we've had a lady minute chance to go away. Can you let me know if I owe you anything for her place as I wouldn't want you to be out of pocket"

She'll text back saying "don't worry about it, have a lovely time you lucky things

And that'll be that!

Last. Not lady

Oh I was expecting an MN bollocking for this.

You have clearly led a blameless life, OP.

I’d just give them the £12. If you offer they’re duty bound to say no but will still be annoyed. They’re unlikely to be able to find a replacement child at such short notice (not least because anyone they invite at this late stage will know they must be a b-list replacement).

You sound very nice op! I wouldn’t worry, we had several people just not turn up to dds party without any sort of apology or explanation. Have a lovely holiday

Just text the mom and say "sorry dd won't be able to make the party now as we've had a last minute chance to go away. Can you let me know if I owe you anything for her place as I wouldn't want you to be out of pocket"

^^ This. Only I would probably expect her to let you know how much you owe her.

It's fine. Enjoy your holiday!

I’ve done this! My husband has very unpredictable holidays so we booked something last minute. Child’s mum didn’t seem to mind at all and told us to have a great time. Really nice gesture to offer to pay for your child’s spot.

Don't stress too much, it's not that big of a deal! I think your idea is good, give them to gift and mention you brought along £12 as you didn't want them to be out of pocket, quite a polite thing to do. They most likely will refuse it out of politeness but at least you can say you offered. Have the money in your hand too xx

Good lord, you're not being shitty at all. If anyone kicks off at you for not showing up to a nursery kid's party, they need to get a life.

(Though actually, nobody has kicked off at you yet, and no reason to think that they will, because you aren't doing anything wrong. Don't fret xx)

Ye gods - I don’t think of myself as a terrible person, but I’ve done shittier things than this before breakfast.
Enjoy your holiday op!

Stop stressing. Your DC might have caught a D&V bug the night before and then you wouldn't be going either.

Hand over present, explain nicely, offer money for the cost of the place.

They'll refuse the money, wish you a lovely holiday and everyone is happy.

Bon voyage!

Are you expected to pay to attend the party?