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Original poster

I’m putting this here ....

29 replies

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 15/11/2018 00:03

So I don’t shout it and moan in person here.

I’m fed up with trying with my teenager and getting moaning and groaning in return.

All I’m trying to do is make sure he gets enough sleep at night time. You would think I was the worst and horrible mother in the world. Fancy me wanting him to not stay up till 2am. On his phone or on the computer.

Imagine the horror of me wanting him to take a shower so he doesn’t get known as the boy who stinks

Imagine the horror of me wanting him to get up early enough so he has a decent breakfast and not be starving all morning.

The horror of me wanting him to have a decent lunch for school.

I’m done. He is making mornings and evenings so awful. My anxiety has gotten worse and I’m sure it’s because I spend all day dreading these times.

Yes I would like you to eat with the family instead of eating in ur room. I don’t care if none of your friends can do what they like.

I’m done and over it. Be tired. Don’t eat. I’m not being moaned at , groaned at , bitched about to his friends when he thinks I’m not listening. Don’t do ur homework and get detentions.
I’m done.

And breathe........

OP posts:
AndMiffyWentToSleep · 15/11/2018 06:52

Oh man, I’m dreading the teenage years! Can’t offer any advice as I’ve got years to go, but I sympathise!

Original poster
Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 15/11/2018 07:18

Thanks. I know people struggle with younger kids. But I’m feeling that would be better than this. Over hearing him moan about me to his friends is just heartful. He is a good kid mostly. We have had no other bother with him. Has good friends, does well at school etc. I’m just so tired of this.

OP posts:
Mokepon · 15/11/2018 07:31

We are perhaps not quite at the same level but all of those things I have to remind my 11 yo about. Every.Single.Day.

It's soul destroying.
I'm dreading the real teenage years because shes a nightmare at times now.

One thing that has helped in the morning is instead of shouting her to get up, she has an alarm and we negotiated the last possible time she could get up for school.
Once I hear her, I chuck some porridge in the micro and because it's ready she eats it. She was late a couple of times but I resisted the urge to chivvy her along. It's been around a month now and in general the mornings have been far more pleasant.

I think it's very difficult to take a step bsck when it's routine simple things they should be doing but ultimately they have to become responsible for themselves at some point and I guess a massive part of that is giving us grief!!

FusionChefGeoff · 15/11/2018 07:31

Sounds like the right approach tbh. He needs to see the consequences of his bad choices perhaps - so long as it's not major stuff - but being knackered, stinky, hungry are all minor in the great scheme of things.

Protect your mental health and save your strength for the bigger battles.

dangermouseisace · 15/11/2018 09:19

Ah he will moan but all you are doing is showing that you care. He will recognise that either already, or at some point in the future, and appreciate that parents need to put boundaries in place.

I remember as a teen my parents didn’t notice that I was starving myself and it was getting out of control. The feeling that no-one actually cared about me was horrible, but I didn’t moan about it! Didn’t have much to moan about as there weren’t many boundaries...I wish there had been.

Original poster
Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 15/11/2018 13:18

Thanks for the comments. I Talked this through with my husband and he is going to take over more with him at the moment and deal with him when he is home. I want my relationship with my son to be good. And at the moment it is just arguing and moaning.

He nearly missed the bus this morning as he got up ten mins before he left the house. And he is tired as he didn’t want to go to sleep. I’m just tired of all of this.

OP posts:
BiscuitDrama · 15/11/2018 13:21

How old is he? I’m thinking answers might vary depending on whether he is 13 or 17.

TonTonMacoute · 15/11/2018 13:26

I would insist on the sleep, but let everything else go. If he won't eat a proper breakfast, let him go hungry.

There is a very good book which might help you. link

Original poster
Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 15/11/2018 13:31

He is just nearly 15.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 15/11/2018 13:32

I like the idea for just making sure he get sleep and not worry about the others. This is why is put this here. So many opinions and ideas I wouldn’t have thought of

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 15/11/2018 13:36

I feel your pain. Similar is happening here and letting your DH handle more of it is a good idea, it's worked for us, although I found it quite hard to let go at first.

DonkeyPunch88 · 15/11/2018 13:36

Hi we're not even into teenage yet but my 11DS is a complete ass hat at the moment in all the ways you've described. Literally everything is a battle. Food, curfews, personal hygiene. I'm with you on the soul destroying bit, I swing between desperation of wanting to get him to do it all and also thinking fine, fuck it all up and let him get on with ruining his education (he keeps refusing to go to school).

If anyone has any ideas I'm listening!

Original poster
Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 15/11/2018 13:43

@DonkeyPunch88 I agree with u. It is totally exhausting. I think I’m going to stick with the sleep. But let him get on with the rest.

The education thing worries me. If I don’t make him work he is going to fall behind. I don’t want that. My parents didn’t do anything to help me at school and I did nothing. And I failed. I don’t want that for him. But he doesn’t seem to understand what happens if he doesn’t put effort in.

OP posts:
KittensAndCake · 15/11/2018 13:59

My DS is 15 and this sounds familiar. I'm battling with making him revise for his mocks at the moment. It feels like I'm constantly moaning but I figured I'm going to let him get on with it, then when his results come back, I'm hoping this will shock him into working harder for the real thing. Time will tell if that worksHmm
Agree with the others just concentrate on the sleep for now, set a time and then remove his phone, turn off the wifi etc. Then maybe set an hour or two aside at the weekend to do a bit of schoolwork. Tell him he has to do this or no phone/computer games etc. The rest will hopefully fall into place by itself.
Don't beat yourself up over it Brew

EspressoButler · 15/11/2018 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anonkneemouse · 15/11/2018 14:21

Choose the battles you fight. Sleep is important but if he wants to stink then let him. Sit down with him and DH and ask him what he wants and feels is fair, you say your bit and try to reach a respectful compromise. Also get him involved in chores. Have a rule he has to eat at the table, snacks only in bedroom etc. Good luck. I've been there!

Nicknamesalltaken · 15/11/2018 14:27

The overgrown toddler is spot on. They are back to developing and growing at that fast pace they did - only not so cute this time.

There’s a lot going on in that gangly-limbed body. Physically he’s turning rapidly into a man, but it takes a lot longer for their brains to catch up. Emotional maturity just isn’t there yet, but I think that’s what they are figuring out.

We aren’t the centre of their universe anymore, so I think it’s right to back away slowly. Some things aren’t negotiable (family meals for one). I hate meals being eaten in bedrooms but if we can’t eat together I let it go.

FantailsFly · 15/11/2018 14:47

I agree with a PP: Pick your battles. At 15 I think they are old enough to decide if they want breakfast or not, and what time they go to sleep (as opposed to what time they go to bed). My 15 year old stays awake later than I think but he also sleeps till noon at the weekend. Showering every day and eating dinner together are the ones that for me are non-negotiable.

OneToThree · 15/11/2018 15:08

Why has he got access to his phone and computer in the middle of the night?

lalalalyra · 15/11/2018 15:23

With teens you need to pick your battles imo.

Have grabbable food for breakfast, or let him deal with the fact he's hungry.

Dinner at the table is non-negotiable here unless there's a significant homework deadline or a pre-agreed event with friends.

If the phone is interfering with school then kill the internet overnight. School and dinner are my two non-negotiables. The rest is up to them to deal with the hunger/stinkiness/etc.

Original poster
Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 15/11/2018 15:56

@OneToThree he doesn’t. I turn the internet off. I found him up reading at 1am.

OP posts:
OneToThree · 15/11/2018 16:07

Ah ok, I’d read it as on his phone/computer at 2am.

KittensAndCake · 15/11/2018 16:34

I found him up reading at 1am

Oh God, In that case you're winning. I'd love for my boys to be reading, 1am or not 😆

Original poster
Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 15/11/2018 16:41

@KittensAndCake I know. It’s very conflicting. But he can’t stay up till 2am reading and have to get the school bus at 8

OP posts:
woolduvet · 15/11/2018 16:57

I never set a bed time but set a getting up time and it was up to them to decide how much sleep they'd need.
Actually worked...