Don't know how much more I can take!!

[recoveryishard]

From previous threads people may know I have bipolar 2, had a breakdown in the summer, an abusive ex, issues with alcohol and self harm and a suicide attempt.

I am signed off work indefinitely and am waiting for a decision on which group I have been put in for universal credit ( i didn't have to go for an assessment as my medical evidence was enough) and for the results of my PIP assessment.

I have my own mental health nurse, a counsellor, supportive parents (mum has moved in to help me) but I still feel lonely, depressed and suicidal. I have self harmed this week, drank in secret and am having real issues with my children's behaviour.

My daughter is behaving so badly I don't know how much more I can take as I'm already so stressed out and tired. She is currently crying her eyes out in bed because I won't let her sleep with me (i take meds that knock me out and need my sleep or o am even worse) because she keeps me awake. I have tried talking to her about what is wrong, spoken to school, spent time with her but she is just so rude. She growls at me, rolls her eyes, slams doors, sulks, NEVER listens, rolls around the floor and on the furniture constantly, interrupts me all the time when I'm talking or on the phone. I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do. School have signed her up for counselling but I'm yet to see that she has gone. She is also really behind at school and they don't seem to be doing anything to help her. My ex is useless and thinks she is fine (of course she behaves for him!) And likes to pretend he cares when in reality he doesn't give a shit because he only sees her EOW.

Then there is my 3 year old who is wearing me so thin. He is clingy, grumpy, has major tantrums all the time, won't eat anything but peanut butter on toast, won't let me leave him with anyone but the childminder, screams bloody murder if I go for a shower and my mum watches him! He's turned into a little hitler the last few weeks and I feel like they are in charge and I've got no control.

Taking them out is stressful and embarrassing as they don't listen, are destructive, really really loud and boisterous and all my friends children seem so well behaved and calm. I just want some calm because it really stresses me out and makes my anxiety go through the roof!

I am at a loss, I have a bloody degree in Education and am a qualified pre school assistant and TA and I can't deal with my own kids. I'm so worried it's all because of my problems and I'm screwing them up for life 😢

I’m so sorry you’re having a miserable time. I can barely string a sentence together at the mo so I’m not much use but I’m offering a hug and a little bump. Someone more sensible will be along soon.

I'm sorry your having such a awful time. I think because through no fault of your own you are obviously exhausted, stressed and anxious and the children will pick up on this . Is there anyway your mum could sleep with your daughter to comfort her ? I think she obviously wants her mum but totally understand it's dangerous with your medications. Have you looked into the idea of play therapy at all ? I think some of your 3 year olds behaviour is just typical 3 year old behaviour and will hopefully pass soon. I would push school to arrange the counselling asap but in the mean time can you try and get some quality one to one time with your daughter. Have you looked at things like mindfulness , meditation , yoga ECT to help calm her ? Please don't be afraid to ask for more help. Yourself and your children's wellbeing is the most important thing and if at this time you need more support the most importsnt thing is you getting well and beung supported in doing so.

My mum is supposed to be sleeping in with her but falls asleep in the sofa most nights! I do have time wit her but nothing I do I good enough. I have spoken to school again this morning and they are going to try and push the counselling along. I also feel she needs extra support with her school work as she finds it difficult (I struggle sometimes!) and then that knocks her confidence. The school isn't great anyway, they had an awful OFSTED and I wanted to move her but exh got very nasty about it and threatened court (he's catholic, catholic school). I think my daughter may be anxious and I have tried to talk to her but she says nothing is wrong. I have taken her iPad away today and told her she needs to earn it back by behaving and going to bed without a fuss. It's just s exhausting on top of everything else I am trying to deal with emotionally.

I did get her the Moshi monsters sleep stories but they don't seem to help. She has real trouble winding down and never seems to relax except when she is watching her iPad!