Well it took a bloody long time for that penny to drop.....

[mineofuselessinformation]

Something that never made sense finally does.

I need to put this somewhere, so scroll on if you don't fancy a long read.

A long time ago, my then H was having a fling with the au pair (I had no clue until the shit hit the fan in a big way).
One Sunday, out of the blue, he decided he wanted to take me out for a motorbike ride (very unusual as he rarely made time for just us two). We stopped off and had a chat, during which he told me the au pair had confided in him that she thought she was pregnant. (She had recently returned home for a holiday so it was possible.)
I could never understand why she would tell him and not me (she called me her English mum).
Anyway, fast forward a couple of weeks and due to her strange behaviour I tackled her about that as well as other issues. The upshot was that as soon as he could, he flew through the door and asked me why I had upset her. It was only then when I finally realised what had been going on, but I still puzzled over the pregnancy thing over the years - until tonight.

He told me in the hope that I would throw her out didn't he? Thinking about it, I think she was pressuring him to tell me, so he came up with a plan to get rid of her, but it didn't work out the way he thought (I assume he thought I would go all 'moral' and decide she couldn't stay).

What an absolute shit of a male - certainly no man.

Sorry that's long, but I can't talk to anyone without sounding like I'm raving about something that is well and truly water under the bridge.

was she pregnant? Was it DH's?

Given that she returned to her home country the day after the huge row (I threw her out, he went too), I'll never really know - but in the days where I cared, I looked her up a time or two and I don't think she had a child, but who knows?

Yes, it’s interesting how things can suddenly fall into place regarding some else’s behaviour and it wasn’t as it seemed

Ooooooh yes when things start clicking into place it's very interesting isn't it OP.....

How odd that watching an episode of The Crown prompted the thought! (Episode two if that makes any difference). It just confirms for me what a horrible coward he was - wanting me to do his own dirty work because he didn't know what to do.

I've had a few light bulb moments recently, some pointed out by my friends. One recent example was why my SIL is just so plain nasty toward me. Others always put it down to jealousy but now it has surfaced that they have marriage problems and she has been taking it out on me because I am an In-law more than anything else.

Sorry you were put through this op.

I was given an STI by a bf. Dumped him while he was denying it( he was quite thick ).
About 15 years later, when o hadn’t thought of him for a looong time, it suddenly clicked with total certainty who he had slept with.

winter, it's the one area where I've got a complete blind spot I think.
I'm great at relationship advice, but made a totally crap choice for my own.
It was staring me in the face for a long time - I just couldn't see it.

Isn’t it weird how our brains can work away at things and suddenly another clue comes in and it all falls into place?

I’m sorry you went through all that OP.

Thanks oh yes.
The only thing I have to thank him for is my dcs. (And I do sit and think occasionally how he and the other OW, who are still together, are made for each other. )

It's a weird head fuck working it all out isn't it?

Spent a lot of years in my marriage wondering why I was pointedly avoided by specific people at various social functions, really wondered what I was doing wrong. Post divorce and the realisation that ex is a manipulative quadruple life cheating shitbag and suddenly it all becomes clear.

At least I had the excuse of just thinking he had some mental health issues at the time and gave the benefit of the doubt way too often.

The current mistress turned partner (he won't marry her) who has got into this whole life unblinkered and choosing to be with manipulative quadruple life cheating shitbag? Just why? How low does self esteem have to be to choose to live like that? Made for each other is right!

Wow, I LOVE an epiphany but I'm confused, were you so entrenched in the middle of the storm that you've only just figured out that he wanted you to throw her out?

I feel like maybe I'm missing something, but surely the reason she told him and not you is just because it was his? Doesn't seem like a mystery? But have a feeling I've not understood!

I had a smear at 20 and discovered I had ‘ genital warts’ . They were never described to me as an STD but more a virus. My ex - whom I loved very much and had just bought a house with- told me I must have got them from my ex boyfriend. And I fucking believed him for some unknown trusting utterly naive reason.

It only occurred to me 20 years later that the utter bastard had been cheating on ME and he had given them to ME. The fucker. Not only did he give me an STD but he made me feel dirty and guilty for giving it to him. Bloody twatty man.

It’s weird how things just hit you isn’t it?

My own (possible) penny drop situation is slightly different.
Years ago when I was barely 20, I went on holiday to a Greek island. It wasn’t one of the big party islands, and it was slightly off season, but there were a few Brit run tourist bars still open. I wasn’t drinking during this holiday, but went out in the evenings with my on-the-pull travel companion. I also had a boyfriend back home.
At One bar she spends the whole night trying to get off with a bar man. It pays off and he ask her to stay until he’s finished for the night. They disappear into the night and I’m about to leave when the bar owner offers me a coffee and says I might as well wait “cos they’ll only be gone 30 mins...”. At some point whilst I’m drinking my coffee things get weird. The man is saying strange things like that he’s been waiting all summer for someone like me to turn up and also saying that the bar is haunted. Whilst he’s talking about haunting the room starts feeling like it’s turning and swirling and his face looks distorted. I remember feeling a huge lack of control and a massive urge to escape . I remember saying I had to get out and vaguely remember getting back to my lodgings.
I always put it down to having a funny turn (dark, smallish room) and the power of suggestion. Even though neither of these things had happened to me before.
It was years and years later that it occurred to me I could have been drugged. Obviously I’ll never be certain but it just seems so much more logical.

Jungster, yes - I was totally blinkered during that time - never felt like it could happen to me. Looking back - all sorts of red flags. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Derelict - very possibly. In which case she went back for an abortion? Who knows. When she did come back, he'd bought her a bottle of champagne as apparently they'd had a bet that she couldn't lose weight and she did. The fucker never bought me any champagne in the whole time we were married (over twenty years in the end). That stung.

I'm sorry op, it sounds awful.

I was engaged to a serial flirt, who claimed I was the most important person in the world to him but always seemed to be prioritising others. I very briefly was in a house share with another girl (his type - blonde) who I got on ok with but we weren't close. He had her number, kept in touch, was talking to her years later and even mentioned her to me. I always inwardly wondered why he was so interested in her life. It was only few years ago that I twigged he'd probably cheated on me with her. Stupid arse.

I've got an inward £10 bet that he ends up a sleazy, lonely old man. I'll feel sorry for his mother as I like her very much and think she knows what he is, but he could have made a choice to do better so many times and just fucking didn't. Prick.

Buy your own champagne OP. Treat yourself. Don't wait for some other fucker. Buy it regularly!

Countessa, I don't usually believe in karma as that would make me a bad person in a previous life (honestly, you wouldn't believe how terrible my 'luck' is.)
But, I also truly hope that those who shit on other people get what they deserve in the end.
George, I can't stretch to champagne, but I do have the occasional bottle of Prosecco!!

I think the weight loss champagne is your next penny drop, OP.