What age to teach kids to pull their own weight

[ILoveHumanity]

Following on from my previous thread on housework,

I have a small baby , but worried about this because I hav extremely judge surroundings so it causes me anxiety.

What age do you teach kids to pull their own weight and how do you do it ?

When I was young I was taught from very early how to scrub pots and dishes, mop floors of the entire house , scrub walls and doors.

But not properly on how to minimise mess and how to generally pull my own weight in cleaning/tidying.

I felt extremely resentful in my marriage because I was judged for being messy/unclean for the small things that people instinctively do.. but I was in fact wiping up around others and doing a spring clean every so often. I felt under appreciated and resentful than on the occasions I couldn’t get round to do things I wasn’t excused. until I realised most people clean in a lot more simple ways by making sure they adopt habits to minimise cleaning jobs/organisation.

I am used to pulling everyone else’s weight so it gets very tiring... but funnily, it should all start with myself and that’s a lesson I learnt as I got older.

I’m working on myself to b a role model, but I wonder if you can help me see how to teach kids to pull their own weight and how do you get them to take it seriously and at what age.

My son is 4. He will do things when asked like lay the table for me, put things upstairs, put things in the washing machine. He gets a thank you and praise when he does as he's asked. Sometimes if he's done a fair bit - say helped me unpack the shopping - he will get a treat.

To me it's about teaching him things need to be done

Depends what you mean.

I expect from toddler age that DSs will ‘help’ and what that means evolves as they grow. So DS1 (6) I expect to clear his plate to the kitchen (we’re working towards loading it into the dishwasher), tidy toys he’s played with and generally help if we’re on a tidying blitz. I don’t expect him to clean (e.g. mop a floor as he’s a child). DS2 (2) it’s about him helping us to tidy up after him (‘please can you put your pyjamas on your bed’ etc).

I think how we talk about it to them is very important. For example-I wouldn't ever say "lay the table for me" because that would suggest that it was my job and he was doing me a favour. Try to phrase it so it sounds like teamwork "You lay the table while I finish cooking the tea" "If we unpack the shopping together we'll have extra time for X activity"

BertrandRussell Pretty much what I do - so he knows he's helping out as part of a team. Not that I'm sat on my arse whilst does it all

It's a very gradual process. A one year old can help to put toys in a box. A 4 year LD can put their plate in the dishwasher or put their folded clothes in their drawer. An 8 year old can hoover the floor (work in progress here!)

We find routines are very helpful. But modelling treating our things and each other with respect, and understanding that we are all human and forget things and make mistakes, is also important. My husband and I very tweely thank each other for emptying the dishwasher or putting a wash on!

In a sense it is relatively easy when they are little. The tricky bit is stepping it up when they are older and have a lot of homework to juggle... and maybe a bit of attitude! But you are absolutely spot on in starting on modelling self respect and valuing your own contribution. That is far more important than whether they start making their own lunches at 9 or 12.

As a parent of two teenagers I’d say start as early as you can, it’s so much harder later on and mine have been spoilt to an extent.
With small things like putting away their own toys when they are finished. Putting own clothes in the laundry basket and their own plate through after dinner. These are all things that a toddler can do some with a bit of help. Label drawers with pictures of the type of clothes that go in them and start getting help with putting them away when they are little.
I used to be guilty of leaving things and doing them later I learnt and trained myself to just do them when they need done as it’s far tidier and far quicker in the long run so I’ve always tried to encourage the dc to do the same.
Responsibility for certain chores grows as they do and they love helping in the kitchen when they are little as well and really enjoy playing in water so small washing up task are always a hit.
It’s so easy to fall in to the trap of doing everything for them but it’s amazing how much they enjoy doing from very early on so encourage that and it will grow from there.

I like the concept of teamwork v much !

But I meant smaller habits

My father had those house rules but it was ignored after parents were seperated and how I’m relearnjng them :

“ make bed in mornings “ - age 5/6
“ don’t play with a new toy before you put away the one you had” - age 3
“Fold your own laundry “ - age 7
“ don’t leave the toilet without checking the bowl is clean and if not then use the brush”- age 7
“Put away your own dish after a meal and wash it /put in dishwasher” - age 7
“Don’t leave the kitchen without wiping away any spills”- age 10
“Don’t throw any food in the sink/bedroom bins”- age 5
“ prep your school bag the night before” - age 5
“Prep your clothes the night before” - age 5
“ put your own shoes in the shoe cabinet” - age 3

Now that I started to talk about it, I realise I do have a lot of inventory. I just don’t stick to them because I’m impatient and always on the move.

I like the concept of teamwork to help out with “family chores”.

4 year old let's the dog in and out of the back garden,gets me things (reluctantly) if I ask him and will take cutlery to dining table etc

Nearly all those house rules fit into the teamwork theme. It's all about keeping the family community running smoothly. I personally wouldn't bother with them making beds or tidying bedrooms- that's their space and they can have it however they want it. But all the other things are community things.

I think putting age restrictions on it actually makes it harder. When they are toddlers they won’t to do what you are doing so let them join in. There are soooo many time where it would be easier to think it’s faster I’ll do it myself but try and take a deep breath and slow down and let them shove the washing in the machine and pull it all back out again. Have a race to see who can put the most toys back in the box but be consistent and clear up every time straight away you’d be amazed how quickly theee things to stick with really little ones and it becomes a habit.
2 of my 3 had a bad habit of leaving the bathroom door open and light on I used to turn it off and close the door but they never learnt so I started shouting them back until they discovered it was more convenient to do it there and then rather than be called away from something fun.
It’s really about establishing routines rather than a huge big plan of what age does what.

We're quite good at pulling our own weight but pay a cleaner - I hate cleaning!

Kids have put own things in the dishwasher and washing in basket for as long as they physically could - since about 3, though within limits (scraping uneaten food into the compost bin is unnecessarily frought at 3.. )

The same is true for removing any plates or cups from the living room - responsibility for their own as soon as gross motor skills allow!

They've also always been encouraged to get themselves tap water if thirsty - we have had some plastic cups and plates in a low down cupboard ever since we moved in with a tiny toddler should really reorganise as they can all reach everything with a step stool now and all got themselves water from under 2.

Dc1 used to bring me plastic cups of water of her own accord while I breastfed dc2 when dc1 had just turned 2. She was very proud of looking after us and got lots of praise! The accessable safe kitchen cupboard really encouraged them to be a bit self sufficient when very small, meaning they've never wanted to be waited on. I was astonished when I visited friends who didn't let their 5 year old so much as get himself a drink of water...

Put out their own clothes for school and take their turn at unpacking the dishwasher from 6.

Full responsibility for their school stuff from 10 - as in I have no input - but gradually building up from 6 (it's their job but I remind/ coach / help)

The youngest is 7 and takes his turn with the teens at putting the bins out and dishwasher, otherwise its just picking up after himself and being 90% responsible for his school stuff. No major chores. Everyone tidied up at least once per week before the cleaners come (not just their own stuff but all muck in).

Oh yes everyone puts their own laundry away - I fold it into a seperate basket for each person and everyone puts their own away. 7 year old can now do this without help, though when he was 6 he still needed help and encouragement - when I was out DH sent him alone to put his away and he dumped it all back into the dirty basket. Now he's probably the best at putting it away beautifully tidily.

Thank you all this is very helpful.

You are right, putting age restrictions isn’t always helpful. I’m just trying to break it down in my head into stages .

I’ve just come to a major therapeutic realisation about my childhood and this thread has helped. Thanks all!

To the pp that said she can’t sleep at night if she hadn’t finished her chores, can you please talk me though what goes through your head at that moment? What makes you resist overwhelming tiredness and the comfort of the bed just to go and clean up ?

It’s the type of phobia I would welcome if it motivates me !

Every child is different, but I'd say from about 3 mine started doing more for themselves. It's that age they like to 'help' so when doing chores DH and I will show them what we're doing and getting them to help out.

They complain like hell about tidying up their toys, especially before bed time though!