I'm 23 and don't know how to tell the dad or what to do?

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Hi guys.

I wish I was writing under more happy circumstances.... have been dating a man off and on for the past year (not exclusively). We ourselves are a very stable and strong couple, the "off and on" comes from the fact he has an older married friend from Sydney who he sleeps with reguarly. The first time it was because he lied to me about her being here, and then we got back together after a few months break. He said the nature of their relationship isn't romantic but she pays him etc so I can imagine theres a great deal of obligation there on both ends, whatever the nature is.

I'm 23 and found out 2 weeks ago I am pregnant with his baby. I have been on the pill and not missed a day but the nurse I spoke to said a recent bout of antibiotics could be to blame. I had a pregnancy scare once before when I was with him and he didn't react very well. It sort of felt like he punished me (said he didn't want to sleep with me for a while, and things could go back to normal when this was all "over") and sort of pressured me into agreeing for an abortion.

I'm entirely in over my head. I don't want to have an abortion and don't think I'm strong enough to go through that kind of guilt and grief. But I'm also terrified of being a single mother. I haven't told him, and I don't know how to do that either. I'm scared he will leave me immediately and say he can't see me anymore and make me feel like this is my fault.

The other woman is also a factor here. I am scared that if she has a great deal of power over him as well as emotional and financial investment, she may not take it well. If I've been an idiot and there is something romantic there (very difficult for me to believe since she lives interstate and is 28 years his senior and he is very immature) then it could be even messier. I'm also scared he will think I have deliberately gotten pregnant ("baby trapped") him because of her, and because of the earlier scare.

Any advice on how to tell him or how to deal with the potential aftermath would be GREATLY appreciated.

Oh dear. I think you should prepare yourself to be a single parent. You are not a strong and stable couple at all - he's sleeping with someone else, he's immature, he withdrew when you thought you were previously pregnant... He's not great parent material is he?

Why not tell someone else first - family or friend - and some love & support there. Tell him when you're ready.

Best of luck!

I’m sorry to hear of your situation.

But practically, if you don’t want an abortion and don’t want to be a single mother then your only other options are to

1. marry/ stay with him and raise the baby together ( which does sound like it’s going to happen )

1. place the baby for adoption

1. Have the baby raised by a member of your or his family .

Are you able to access counselling to help you work out which of these options would be best for you ? You really need to speak to someone in real life about an issue as big as this.

I wouldn’t worry about telling him until you have a better idea of what you want, without pressure from him. Especially as you are 99% sure what he’s going to say.

Yoi have made the huge decision that he is the man you are going to co parent with for at least eighteen years yet cat even tell him about the baby? How's that going to work.

As an aside, do people still not read medication information. I can't believe in 2018 people claim to not realise that antibiotics can mess with birth control.

We ourselves are a very stable and strong couple

Sorry but you are kidding yourself. Everything you say is an indication that you are NOT a stable and strong couple. He sleeps with someone else because she pays him ? You're too scared to tell him you're pregnant because you think he'll leave you and make you think that you have trapped him ??

He'll want you to get an abortion....you don't want to have an abortion. So, you're going to be a single mother . I'd go and see a counsellor or at least a good friend, and talk this through.

Do you have family nearby who can help support you?

You are stronger than you realise and given you don't want an abortion you are going to have to tell him but be firm and say that you are doing this with or without him the choice is up to him.

There is a lot of support for single mums and many on mumsnet will tell you that it's tough but worth it.

You can also contact one of the charities such as Gingerbread who can offer practical and financial advice.

He's an absolute twat. And you excuse him sleeping with someone else because she PAYS him??
Wtf.
You are going to be on your own here. Try to prepare yourself for that, because your relationship is neither strong nor stable and he's unlikely to step up.

Do you have family who can help (substantially) when i told my mum I was pregnant (we weren't married) she said immediately I could move in and they would financially support us - she wasn't in luck, we took her precious dgd overseas for 5 years and are married still. We were on and off relationship wise beforehand, not that dissimilar circumstances actually but he bucked his ideas and (to the best of my knowledge) has been a good boy for 20 years (not a bed of roses but that's for a different post!)

Otherwise consider open adoption, family fostering, as alternatives to single parenthood or abortion.

Think you need to disassociate yourself from him to get your head straight. What family or friends do you have nearby who you could confide in? Your relationship is not as you believe, he chooses to have his cake and eat it, and he is unlikely to be supportive. On a practical level he would need to pay child maintenance if you went ahead regardless of his involvement. Also, sadly, get tested for sti's as you had unprotected sex and he has had more than one partner.

Bless you OP what a mess.

Personally, I’d get my ducks in a row to have a plan of action for both with and without the dad in the picture.

Then, I’d sit down with the dad and say that I’m pregnant, the how’s and whys aren’t important right now, what’s important is the little one. I’m not going to have a termination, but similarly you don’t have to stay. So, I need to know now, a) are you with me in this, or not? You have 24 hours to make a decision and whatever decision you make, that is what we stick with.

Then, go stay with a friend, have a girls night, do something fun until the window of time is up. If he hasn’t got in touch, cut contact and move on without his sorry piece of ass. If he has, good for him - remove the emotion in reading or listening to his decision and look for either the yes or the no. React with normal emotion to a yes, react with a diplomatic and calm reaction to a no.

He sounds like a child but you’ve both got into this situation, it’s no ones “fault”, you need to get a solid and stable plan of action moving forwards as soon as possible, IMO.

Remain the bigger person if possible, even though it’s super hard!

Hi OP - I seem to remember you've got an active identical thread in Relationships too about this from last night?

There’s nothing strong and stable about your ‘relationship’ (if you can even call it that). He’s sleeping with someone else for money and he tried to force you into an abortion in the past. I doubt nothing will have changed this time, he will be angry and want you to abort again.

You have to question whether you can cope as a single parent but also whether you actually want a life-time tie to this man. You may have feelings for him now but I guarantee after a year or two of dealing with him possibly sticking his oar in to you and your child’s life, that will disappear.

Being a single parent is not easy and you will need lots of support from family, particularly at first following the birth. Is that something you have? Can you cope financially? Don’t expect this guy to change his mind and want something serious with you, you are essentially fuck buddies.

Don’t plan a future with this awful excuse for a man.

You don’t sound sure in what to do about your pregnancy so please get some support and councelling to make the right decision for YOU.

Have you got some real life support? Confide in a good friend or supportive and non judgmental family member.

Sympathy OP. There is nothing strong or stable about your relationship, or about him as an individual. Tell him about the baby but don’t expect anything from him, except financial input if you choose to go that route. Garner any possible support from friends, family & organisations such as Gingerbread, SingleParents.org.uk etc Ther

I don't think the OP is in the UK. Her reference to the OW being from Sydney and further down her OP she referred to the OW being 'interstate' would indicate she's in Australia. Are there organisations, similar to Gingerbread and SingleParents, in Australia?

I agree with PPs that, sadly, you're highly unlikely to get any support from this man.

Oh well, at least he has as a steady income.

What's strong and stable about a relationship where one person sleeps with another for money? Where one person is scared to tell the other she is pregnant?

If you decide to go ahead with this pregnancy, you're going to have to accept you're going it alone.

"Strong and stable"? Like Teresa May's Britain?!

He's not even boyfriend material, let alone father material. He's a male prostitute who's having an affair with a married woman. Why are you ok with this? Your self esteem must be non existent. Have you had (m)any relationships before? What was your parents' relationship with each other and with you like?

I suggest you get counselling, ask your nurse/doctor or local equivalent of BPAS about it.

If you decide you continue the pregnancy you will be a single mother and I advise you not to hope that he will be involved and not factor him into your decision.

Oh and FWIW there are plenty of women who have terminations without feeling guilt and grief.

I'm also amazed that you didn't double up on contraception after the first pregnancy scare, but I guess it's a bit late for that now.

We ourselves are a very stable and strong couple, the "off and on" comes from the fact he has an older married friend from Sydney who he sleeps with reguarly. The first time it was because he lied to me about her being here...

And she pays him? You sound remarkably blase about your partner off shagging somone else.

You are not a 'strong and stable' couple at all. Your partner is fucking around with someone else behind your back and lying about it.

I'd assume he will not be helpful or supportive at all, and would plan to go it alone if I wanted to keep the baby. Do you have a job? A home? Do you live with your partner? Do you have family and a support network? If you decide to keep the baby, go though CMS and ensure your partner provides financial support.

Only you can decide - have the baby and be prepared for it to be a tough slog by yourself, or have an abortion and deal with any feelings of guilt and regret.

As for how to tell your partner, if you can't face telling him in person, how about over the phone or by text? Don't let him make you feel guilty. It wasn't your fault. And it's your body and it's up to you whether you have this baby or not.

I wish you all the best.

Wtf. He's a dick. You need to be prepared to do this alone.

So he's a prostitute?

Sounds charming.

Personally I would have an abortion . Pick myself up and move on with my life. I'm surprised you didn't end it when he reacted badly to the pregnancy scare or when you found out he was selling himself 😐.

You don't really have many options you're either going to be a single parent or give the baby up for adoption.

If you choose to be a single parent get your legal ducks in a row go through the courts to secure your child's financial support... accept nothing agreement wise that is verbal!

Does centre link have stuff online that could help you?