Wwyd. Visiting mum in intensive care.

[whattheheckisgoingon]

My mum is undergoing a huge 12 hour operation (cancer) tomorrow. She’ll be in surgery all of Wednesday and then in intensive care for a couple of days before being transferred to a high dependency ward.

I want to visit her on Thursday when she is still intensive care. I know she will be conked out and prob won’t even be awake, but I feel it’s important to be there. I also want to support my dad who has been an absolute rock since mum’s diagnosis over the summer... but is totally exhausted and now unwell himself.

Basically, my dad has told me not to bother visiting mum whilst she is in intensive care as it would be a ‘waste of time’. Also, apparently he is ‘fine’, I ‘shouldn’t worry about him’ and he ‘doesn’t need any company’.

Part of me thinks that she’s my mum and it’s not up to him whether I visit her or not. And if my dad doesn’t see the value in me being there for him, so be it: he doesn’t have to see me.

What would you do? Ignore my 75 year old dad and visit my mum in IC anyway? Or follow his instructions and wait until Saturday when she is out of IC? I have checked with the hospital and they are happy for me to visit.

For context, many years ago when I was 17, my sister (who had a rare disease) was admitted to hospital. I wasn’t allowed to visit her, nobody told me how serious it was and three days later she died. This affected me for many years.

Personally I would visit, even if it's for 20 minutes or so. You could say to your Dad to go and grab a tea or even take one to him.

I would go and see your Mum in Intensive care. She may be conscious and your presence could give her and you confort. Hope it goes well xx

Yes, go.
And send your dad off to get a cup of tea and have a break while you're with your mum. That way, you get to see how she is (and ask the nursing staff any questions you have while he isn't around if you do have them), and they both benefit too.

Visit your mum. ICU is a very intense place, ironically, . Loads of machines, lots of beeping, wrapped in background silence and lots of whispered convos.
I wish your mum a good recovery, uour dad sounds a bit controlling.
I am very sorry about your sister.

I know it's a bit different, but i sat with my adult child all day and most of the night for 5 days in intensive care. I strongly believe that the talking and hand stroking helped, and certainly couldn't harm. I think you should do what feels right to you. It's a tough place to be. I hope she recovers well

Thanks everyone. Really, really appreciate you taking the time to weigh in on this.

Right, decision made: I am going.

Tell your dad you’re there to support him as much as to see your mum. I hope all goes well tomorrow.

Go. For you and for her, maybe it’ll help your dad.
Dads like to be stoic

Sounds your dad is trying to save you a trip and be practical, not keep you out. In reality I am sure he will be glad of support.