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Original poster

Play dates - what is the protocol?

17 replies

shithebed · 12/11/2018 23:44

Ds started school recently. Bright, kind and bubbly or so I thought. It transpires after the first parents’ meeting that he needs help socialising a bit more, maybe more play dates, etc.
I work full time and in all honesty, I did not make enough time/effort for play dates before, we would normally have one a month.
We don’t have many friends with kids’ his age so I’ve bit the bullet and asked this parent (with their child in the same class) if they were interested in a play date😳

I have not met the woman before and I am not sure how this works with non friends - do I invite them to ours or suggest a couple of places? Ideally I would like to avoid being awkward really

Many thanks!

OP posts:

retainertrainer · 13/11/2018 06:48

I’d do whatever you’re comfortable with-a neutral place sounds good like soft play. Could you invite a few more at the same time? It’s always easier in a group.

If you can make a big effort over the next 12 months you’ll find by year 1 that you’ll have a pool of friends to call on and by that age the parents just drop and go so your DS will be able to have a playmate at home and you can just put your feet up for a couple of hours.

Herja · 13/11/2018 06:56

Mine was like this. He would have really struggled with a playdate not on home turf, so I bit the bullet and invited people here.

His teachers and I kept a look iut for who he was playing with in school and I engineered friendships carefully. I repeatedly invited 2 different boys and one of them's younger sister (he was happier with younger children and it kept his DD occupied), until he was able to play confidently with them at school. Je did lego club at school and when he ws still struggling with a lot of children in his class, his dad and I started doing extra circular activities. He's done football, which seemed to be the school social currency, at least twice a week ever since. He's now in year 3 and finally this parent's evening they were no longer concerned about his social skills.

It's been hard and a bit upsetting, but he does now have a little group of friends (including the 2 I targeted) and is able to play with other children if none of them are in. I found it nightmarish as I'm painfully socially awkward, but I was very determined not to pass this on to DS.

CircleofWillis · 13/11/2018 07:00

Retainertrainer
By year 1 that you’ll have a pool of friends to call on and by that age the parents just drop and go so your DS will be able to have a playmate at home and you can just put your feet up for a couple of hours.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Oh my goodness! Please tell me your secret. I have parents plus child and any siblings coming over. I am run ragged rescuing the cat, fishing weird things out of the fish tank, preventing the walls from being painted and weird sliding battles down the stairs not to mention the dreaded SUPPER where all allergies and dislikes must be catered for.

Don’t get me wrong. I actually love play dates but the only time I would ever get to put my feet up is if the little terrors finally manage to knock me out.

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CircleofWillis · 13/11/2018 07:04

BTW, OP my DD does struggle socially. She is five and has mild ASDbut all the paydates have helped immensely and she is now a confident and popular little girl who finds initiating and sustaining social interaction so much easier.

Generally if you suggest the play date you either host or suggest the venue at the same time.

anniehm · 13/11/2018 07:07

Due to dd1 having asd I've always had to intervene a bit, but mostly we have been lucky with other kids inviting her and showing a lot of empathy. I stayed until about year 1, afterwards you drop off. Mixture of houses and the local park as a venue

Herja · 13/11/2018 07:09

That shoud have read uear 2! He's now in year 2 with no notciable social issues...

I quite agree with no chance of the pool of friends in our case! His outgoing sociable sister I could see this happening with. She's 2 years younger than him and has already been invited to more school birthday parties than he ever has. He's doing ok now though. Extra curriculars were the important bit for him.

BiscuitDrama · 13/11/2018 07:11

Yeah, you may find the parent wants to stay.
Normal here and our last area would be to come back to yours, okay, give them dinner.
Have some activities in mind/laid out for them to do.
Or you can specify ‘just a quick play’ as it’s the first time and try and get shot of them at 5.
If the mother stays you’ll need to make it clear that you aren’t or aren’t feeding her too. It’s easy enough to say something like ‘bring them over for a bit of a play and then I’ll do them something like x or y for a kiddie tea.’

Dawsonforehead · 13/11/2018 07:13

I really don't like the stress of play dates in my house! I clean before they get here and then fight fires til they leave. So I like to leave it open and say let's go to the park, or of the weather isn't great we can just stay in. Park is much easier as more space for running around, neutral territory and if other kids are there even better because your child and his friend(s) will naturally buddy up more.

Herja · 13/11/2018 07:17

I feel a bit bad now reading other people . I really was calculated; I picked out a boy I knew DS liked but didn't play with often, who's mum I recognised. I chose him because I knew he had a big friendship group and DS was more likely to befriend them also if he was friends with one. It really was a sort of targeted campaign.

Worked though. I used to peep through the fence sometimes at playtime to check on DS, it was heartbreaking seeing him on his own in a corner every single day. I remember doing that at school and I remember how much I hated it. I have no regrets, but fuck me it was hard work.

retainertrainer · 13/11/2018 07:55

Another good tip is a whole class party for their 5th birthday. It gets all the kids excited, you get to meet and exchange numbers with every parents and you can suss out who your kid’s playing wit.

Original poster

shithebed · 13/11/2018 23:55

I wouldn’t mind them coming over actually, much comfortable for me to be on my own territory I just wanted to make sure it is not weird to invite someone I do not really know to our place.
Herja are you me?! I am exactly like that and am worried that I might pass it on. I avoid socialising when possible and I also feel I am socially awkward but I need to fight it as I would hate it if my kids ever felt the same.

I will have to be brave!

OP posts:

Herja · 14/11/2018 07:17

Definitely not wierd with school play dates!

All the enforced socialising has been good for me too actually. I find school events much easier now. Good luck with it.

halfwitpicker · 14/11/2018 13:00

Don’t get me wrong. I actually love play dates but the only time I would ever get to put my feet up is if the little terrors finally manage to knock me out.

Made me laugh out loud

user1496668552 · 14/11/2018 16:53

I found that when they were very young the parent might like to stay for the first visit or so just to get to know who they were leaving their kids with and that everything was happy - after that they were happy to drop the kids (or me collect from school) and let them stay on their own. For the first few visits I just arranged a 'quick play from school, pick up at 5, before dinner but I'll do a snack". If the parent stayed we had a cuppa and a biscuit.

I only did dinner invites and later play dates once I knew the kid would be happy to stay that long and that they could play nicely.

Worked well. Good luck!

Upsy1981 · 14/11/2018 17:34

Do parents really go for play dates? Just ask if child wants to come for tea and say you'll drop home at 5:30. I had children for play dates from nursery age and I don't think I've ever had a random person over that I wasn't already friendly with.

Original poster

shithebed · 14/11/2018 20:34

upsy I see your point - Maybe first time they’d like to see where we live and make sure the place is clean and safe and that I act responsibly. Then I suppose they’ll rather drop their child off and go shopping or whatever. I wouldn’t mind
Anyway, so tea/snacks and have some sort of activities in mind. I’ll siggest our place and see how it goes.

OP posts:

JohnCRaven · 14/11/2018 22:13

My Yr1 child has now had a couple of 'me not invited' play dates but in the main mum's come too cos I like the mums as much as she likes the child! Social event for me too. Yes it is hard work forging those friendships but it reaps rewards for both of you.

I recently invited a DC my DD begged for a play date. I didn't know his mum but had her number. In the end DD dragged me over to his mum and asked me to ask her. She came too as he has additional needs and it was fab! I'm always happy hosting as I'm walking distance from school.

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