Has anyone had a spending problem? How did you overcome it?

[cartwheeel]

I think I have a spending problem. DH & Iare in a small amount of debt and I think it's my fault.

It's manageable(ish) but I'm worried about the direction I'm going in.

I'm not going to be too specific so as not to out myself.

My parents had 5 children. When we were young we had enough but not loads. DF earned good money but DM was a SAHM so there were a lot of mouths to feed on one income. My mum went back to work when I was about 9 and DF progressed very well wishin his field so my parents became a quite well off.

"D"M was abusive to me growing up. Emotional abuse. She always loved having control so my early years were massively dictated by her mood that particular day. When I became a teen, things got worse. She always called me fat. She made me feel utterly worthless on a daily basis. She would prevent me from having friendships by not letting me leave the house. She never bought me clothes/shoes to the point I'd be wearing sandals to school in winter. She never bought me tampons or sanitary towels, deodorant etc. She'd very rarely pay for a hair cut for me (that was very very rare). I was basically an unkempt, unhygienic mess through no fault of my own.

Now I'm a SAHM. DH earns a good wage but I'm beginning to realise I have some sort of spending problem. I find it hard/impossible to go without. It's not that I care personally but if for example I have friends visiting, I want to have nice clothes to wear, decent pjs/slippers etc. I would feel ashamed to have old PIs on or slippers with holes. That is just one example but the scenario applies to all of my possessions/ the appearance of the house. I don't want to cause my family to struggle financially but I don't know how to overcome this. Can anyone relate. I feel like a huge let down to my children & husband. How can I put this right?

Please help!

I think now that you are aware of it you can just tell yourself no. Perhaps just put your credit card into a drawer & only take it out for emergencies. Commit yourself to only spending within your means. You’ll not spend the same with a debit card because the over draft will hopefully put you off! Also, any time you buy something just think ‘will I actually use this?’ & ‘do I actually need this?’.

This looks like it stems massively from when you were little and you don't ever want to go back there so you spend to feel good. I'd suggest a wee chat with your GP. CBT is a great therapy to help break the cycle. I'm sorry to read about your childhood, I hope things look up for you.

Try to focus on saving giving you the kick. And dont go shopping except for food. Essentials fine but watch what you consider to be essential, as most things probably arent.

Im lucky because I detest shopping. In fact, i detest most things. Decent house, decent car, busy lives with work. Im. Happy. Scruffy, but happy.

You've got lots of lovely clothes, I'll bet.

You keep them well, they aren't dirty and you look after yourself too.

As long as the clothes are clean and don't have holes in them, you don't need any more clothes.

Keep repeating to yourself.

"I have more than enough. I have plenty"

By things, i mean material things

Thanks everyone. I'm now NC with my mum so that's something positive. I just need to stop letting my childhood affect my family & our future.

I empathise as I also grew up in an abusive environment and relate to what you are saying about feeling embarrassed not to have nice things. I recently went out and bought new activewear because I had to wear it for one hour at a work event!

Things that have helped me are not having a credit card, and giving myself a "spend" amount every month, making sure I first have enough to pay bills and save.

If I want something frivolous I write it on my Wishlist. Every month when I get paid I then review my Wishlist and have to make choices about what to spend my disposable cash on. It sounds obvious but it's really helpful if I have to choose mindfully between things (before I would just spend until I realised I was running low, then feel skint until I was next paid ). I keep a running budget spreadsheet which I update every few days. This way I've actually been able to build up a decent level of savings.

Im not saying this is you at all - but it might help retrain your thinking.

Theres no point in having a wardrobe full of nice clothes if you cant afford to go anywhere nice in them.

Theres no point in having a wardrobe full of nice clothes if you can only wear 1 or 2 things at a time anyway.

Theres no point in having a wardrobe full of nice clothes if your children are going without because of it.

Theres no point in having a wardrobe full of nice clothes and no money in the bank.

Theres no point in having a wardrobe full of nice clothes that you havn't paid for yet.

Theres no point in having a wardrobe full of nice clothes when you could have 7 sets of clothes but 4 holidays a year with the DC.

I could go on, but think of spending your time on time doing things, not time spent in shops.

Also I always think of the saying 'A short term high, for a long term low'

In a way your 'D'M is still affecting your here & now & your future. Every bloody day.

So that has to stop, look at talking therapies & take control of your life in a positive way.

Throw all those bad memories away with help. Only have headspace for your DC and their life now, not the one your 'D'M has tried to ruin.