Parenting differences that you wouldn’t/couldn’t compromise on!

[CandiedPeach]

Admittedly it’s a little too late for me and bf now (rather unplanned pregnancy). But we’ve been discussing a few things and are luckily in agreement on the important stuff.

But it got us thinking and talking, quite lightheartedly about what things we would/could have clashed on. For us both it’s smacking and vaccinations. For me also breastfeeding and religious beliefs.

So wondered if others had a list of no compromises and if that effected who you chose to have your children with or if it’s caused problems in your relationship if you already had them when these things came up.

My ex who I have dd with wasn’t really interested and just followed whatever decision I made. Also let me actually do all the parenting and still does . But that’s meant it does feel a bit odd actually having to discuss things and realising that he also has an opinion on how his child will be raised (fortunately only good opinions so far!).

Instilling an independent spirit. Dh is prone to overprotecting ds rather, but I've managed to allay his fears. It's taken a while though.

Smacking. It's an absolute no from both of us thankfully.

Vaccinations,discipline,education.

Vaccinations (yes), chores (yes), religion (no).

smacking
vaccinations

I doubt I'd be attracted to dh if he felt differently to me on this.

At the time I had my children I would probably have struggled rearing them in a religion very different to the one I was reared in - but i would still have been able to compromise (well within reason - I would not have children with someone who wanted to rear them in a very fundementalist religion).

Would also have been unable to compromise on the importance of education - but would have no problem with a partner who wanted us to take a broader view of what education is (not just results etc). In fact I would have struggled with someone who was caught up with the idea of success in education meaning only grades.

Vaccinations :yes
Smacking no:
Making them clear their plate: no

Oh and smoking.

Vaccinations yes, importance of education, love and physical affection never being withheld. I go to church and bible study and the guy would need to be either the same religion as I am or willing to convert because I can't compromise on my faith and an agreement to allow our children to make their own choices when and where they can and encouraging independence.

I wouldn't say NO to smacking but I would never use it as a parenting method, I was smacked maybe 5/6 times during my childhood and I can honestly say that I deserved it. Once when I was 8/9ish and my dad caught me playing chicken in the middle of the main road where we live. I saw him and knew I was in for it, he was very calm walked over to me, took my hand and walked me home I was sent to my room while he took himself outside to calm down (I heard him crying to my mam about how scared he was so she was crying) came upstairs, explained to me what I had done and why it wasn't ok and because I was upset and confused and annoyed that he'd stopped my fun (autism and no sense of danger at that point in time) so I screamed in his face that I hated him and wished that I'd been hit by the car so I didn't have to look at him so he put me over his knee and smacked me hard like 5 times, no long lasting damage and he cried more than I did about it, but it shut me up, got my attention and then he dropped the 'I love you too much to let you die from your own sheer stupidity and I'd rather you never look at me again than ever have to see you at risk like that'. And that stuck with me. I'm 24 now, I have never feared my parents or doubted how much they love me. My dad was always the one to smack though, because by her own admission my mam said she'd only ever smack when she lost it and then she'd not have been able to stop, so instead she'd remove herself and withhold any contact/communication till she calmed down and that has hurt me far more than the odd smack.

Definitely education too, my bfs a teacher so it’s something we’d already discussed in general not particularly in regards to our child.
In smacking I meant behaviour management in general. But where as I can live with slight differences in how we deal with things, I already get the feeling he may be a bit easier going than me. I couldn’t tolerate him smacking at all.
My bf added ear piercing and those silly comic/rude sleepsuits you can get ‘my daddy only wanted a bj’ type things (not that I’d do either).

Also homosexual or sexiest views! Obviously I wouldn’t have been dating him to start with if he displayed those views. But from a parenting point of view, if he didn’t want a boy playing with a pram or wearing certain things, if he thought a girl should be in dresses playing with dolls/princesses. Then we’d have some big problems.

Discipline. DD is strong willed and bright, and pushes her boundaries daily. DH and I have to be 100% on the ball to not fall for her wily ways. We often 'check' before agreeing/giving in to/disciplining/reacting to stories as she will make out that black is white. (e.g. Daddy said I was a bad girl and shouted = Daddy told me off for kicking him and said it was naughty.)

Rudeness/unkindness - zero tolerance. Lots of conversations about why, but we don't allow it. Ever.

Love. We never leave an argument before making up and saying I love you. She gets told how much we love her all the time. And we don't make it conditional. That's a huge one for me.

Lots of affection
No smacking
Not stifling their personalities; allowing them to be who they are

ExDP and I still believe those and coparent really well together.

Vaccinations
Me returning to work and not being a SAHM
Breastfeeding (as in, we agree that whilst it's not the be all and end all, if I can, I should)
That as long as our kids are happy then we are doing an ok job

Candied "Also homosexual or sexiest views! Obviously I wouldn’t have been dating him to start with if he displayed those views."

I doubt you'd be dating him either if he'd displayed the former

obviously meant homophobic @Theducksarenotmyfriends. Didn’t even notice that when I read it back!

-Vaccinations (pro)
-Smacking/ general discipline, ie teaching good behaviours and explaining why it's wrong to behave in certain ways, not just punishing bad behaviour. The need for consistency.
-Giving lots of love and affection.
-Not being regimental about routines.
-Giving children room to develop naturally (providing the environment to enable them to do this), not pushing or drilling them to learn new skills. Couldn't bear pushy parenting that I sometimes see in others, eg drilling a baby to learn to crawl/ clap/ stand etc, drilling a toddler to count, learn letters etc.

• not instilling sexist stereotypes. I do have to remind my OH about this sometimes, eg not to say "that's a boys/ girls thing" etc. He does agree with my principles on this, especially when it comes to toys, clothing etc but needs more prompting about everyday sexism!

Funnily enough lots of this we didn't discuss before actually having children but have a very similar outlook on life and have found that naturally we parent in very similar ways. Obviously there are sometimes minor disagreements, eg bed timings, when it comes to unwinding before bedtime (which my OH is terrible at!), allowing more treats etc but ultimately we always agree on the big things and let the little things go.

Also there's things my OH would respectfully let me lead on (and i think rightfully so), but would give his thoughts on if asked, such as: breastfeeding, when I should return to work, my birth plans etc

@NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound how do you allow your children to make their own decisions when you've already indoctrinated them into a religion on which you won't compromise?

I have no children yet and it's not indoctrination. I was raised to question everything, do my own research, think critically and make my own decisions. I walked away from religion when my dad died when I was 11 and returned to it 9 years later, because I did the research, I spoke to people of many different faiths and those with none at all and I know what I believe.

Any child I have will be raised with christian values and going to church, but I will and I'd expect my husband to encourage and allow them to ask as many questions as possible, to look into what they don't understand or believe and come to their own decision. What ever they decide wont alter what I believe but I would never judge someone for walking away from faith entirely or choosing another faith and I would make sure my child knew that. I was christened as a child and I'm being confirmed into the faith in the new year. When I have children I WONT be christening them. I'll wait till they're old enough to decide if THEY want to be baptised into the faith or not as an adult, because choosing to follow any religion is an incredibly personal decision that I have no right to make for them, but as children they will attend church with me and their dad until they no longer want to and they wont be forced to attend either and I would find a club or class or something that they can attend during a morning or evening service instead.

When I say I won't budge on my religious beliefs I mean I can't imagine raising a family with someone who doesn't share them. For me my religion defines my priorities, tells me how to live a good and positive life filled with grace and love and shows me how to share that with others (not by trying to convert people because we don't do that) by being a good and honest person and living a christ centered life.

@nornironrock

Seems pretty reasonable to me. And not at all like a good many religious people I've come across - from many different religions.

Thanks for taking the time to give a considered answer.

@nornironrock it's something I've thought about a lot because my family (other than my dad and I) are non believers and only set foot into church for weddings/funerals and christenings. So I've had this question before It's easier to explain to them than the why I'm waiting till marriage to have sex, that one involved a lot of yelling and crude jokes on their part, which was fine till they brought my up friends in the jokes. Which is when I lost it with them I felt like that was taking it too far.

Religion- We’re an Irish mixed marriage and before we got engaged I made it clear to DH any kids we had wouldn’t be christened Catholic. He understood my reasons (Tuam, 8th debate, child abuse scandal) so we compromised on a Unitarian christening.

It’s probably my only red line- anything else I’d be open to a conversation (except vaccinations!)