Is This Gaslighting?

[MrsCillianMurphy2]

DP & I are late 40s & have been together for 3 years & lived together for 18 months.
Obviously we have history prior to each other (mostly on line chatting - him ).
We decided pretty early on that we wanted to be together & there would be no more conversations with other people & he knows this is an absolute deal breaker for me.

I’m an early riser so always get up first & make a cup of tea & take it back to bed where we go through overnight emails/messages etc on our phones - discussing news , messages etc.
He leaves his phone downstairs overnight which I always take up to him . His screen lights up with messages as soon as it moves.

Usual routine yesterday morning, pick phone up & messages are displayed. The first one was ‘xxx has sent you a picture message ‘ on KIK. I recognised the name as someone he’d chatted with before us.

I didn’t say anything & waited for him to say. I saw him open it (but couldn’t see the pic) & waited for him to say something- but nothing.
His DCs were here for the weekend & I didn’t want to spoil his time with them so went about my day.
I managed to look at his phone early evening- there was a message from 3 days ago ‘ ohhh tell me more’ then a pic of her bare arse & then him saying love the pic of you in the black dress.
Once the DC had gone to bed I said ‘ who is xxx & why is she sending pic messages (not letting on I’d seen the messages).
He said she’d just sent it out of the blue & he hadn’t replied. I asked to see the picture.
I asked what ‘ohh tell me more ‘ meant. He said he couldn’t remember- I said I found it difficult to believe he can’t remember a conversation from 2 days ago & why was the previous part of the conversation deleted?
He said it’s just something he does .
He then said he fears for us in the future if I don’t trust him & why can’t I forgive this mistake. He said he hadn’t opened that morning but later in the day. When I challenged him he said maybe he did he can’t remember.
He said I’m making more of it because ‘ I can’t live without drama ‘
He went to bed & I was left feeling I was in the wrong!

Sounds more like blatant lying! What are you going to do?

It doesn’t sound great, does it. Why is he even looking at those messages now surely you turn that sort of thing off if you’re in a relationship?
I think he is minimising his behaviour and trying to push the blame for his actions onto your “love of drama”.
So yes I think that is gaslighting.
Sorry.

I’m not sure at the moment. He’s out at the moment so I’ve poured myself a glass of wine to contemplate.
TBH the drama comment hurt as much as the message.
If he’d said yesterday morning ‘ oh xxx has sent a message out of blue’ (as has happened before) I’ll delete her we’d have laughed about. But he has clearly been having an on going conversation with her. The deleting bit just smacks of BS as well. I delete emails etc but not active conversations with friends on WhatsApp. I also know he used to have chats & only use KIK.

It is gas lighting.

How do you see yourself reconciling this?

If he's not already cheating, he's planning it.

Sorry, but I'd walk away with my head held high.

Yes it is gas lighting. What a dick. Am sorry.

It’s classic gaslighting. I’m so sorry OP.

He then said he fears for us in the future if I don’t trust him & why can’t I forgive this mistake.

This is manipulative bullshit and he deserves to be dumped for that one sentence alone. Call his bluff re the future and say "you're absolutely right, I don't trust you, there's no future for us".

If you need to hide things from the person you're in a relationship with, you're cheating. Wether it's emotional or physical or both, it's still cheating. The moment a conscious decision is made to hide things, you cross that line. He doesn't want to you forgive him, he wants you to bury your head in the sand and ignore his cheating. Please, for your own sake, don't.

Definitely gaslighting

This is manipulative bullshit and he deserves to be dumped for that one sentence alone.

I could not agree any more with this than I already do.

That sentence is expert, A-grade manipulation! I had to read it twice just to appreciate how fucked up it is.

I also would call his bluff and say "Well, yes, I agree. I don't think we have a future too without trust. God only knows I would not expect to be texting someone images of my bare buttocks whilst carrying on a relationship with you."

Yeah you're obviously just causing drama because he's messaging other women.

He's a shitbag and you can't trust him

Twat!

It's not gaslighting. You need to do more than just lie when caught to be a gaslighter.
It is, however, on the spectrum of cheating - whether it's just flirtation or the buildup to actual cheating (and maybe not the first time).

His comment hurt you because it was meant to. It was meant to put you back in your place and feel bad for bringing it up.

He's commenting positively on naked photos of other women and you're at fault?

There's still time to back out of this. He's right, there is no trust there, and it's all his fault.

Yes. Also he's a manipulative prick and clearly a practiced liar. He could have been doing this for years, frankly exchanging sexual messages with other women, secretly, and lying would and should be enough to motivate anyone to bin him off, the gaslighting is just cruel, he sounds vile OP, do not let him normalise this.