What if the last straw is something really small?

[Tummywhining]

I've been going through some horrible emotional stuff lately. I've had other threads but I name change a lot.

I have a very difficult relationship with my mother, and over the last year we've had a couple of big rows.

It's been calmer between us lately, mostly because there's been some other really difficult family stuff going on, so we've been focused on that.

Today I have spent a good couple of hours crying because of something my dad said. They're not together. I had calmed down from that and was looking forward to seeing my mum as I was doing her a favour this evening. Well, the favour went wrong and she yelled at me. Just ranted on and on.

I feel literally broken. I've been crying at DH, proper snotty sobbing. And now I just feel numb. I honestly feel like I don't ever want to see or speak to her again. She just puts me down and takes things out on me. I honestly can't take any more.

She will absolutely turn this around to being my fault. Another family member realised I was upset, although they didn't see me cry, so now I'll also be in trouble for worrying them.

I'm just so, so.... broken? Angry? I don't even know.

I'm 40 by the way, not a teenager. My DH is wonderful, but I have no words for him, I'm just staring into space with tears streaming.

My best friend has also been great (previously,not tonight) and told me to call when it gets too much. But I don't have the words.

I'm just typing here for a distraction really. I'm not sure what anyone can say.

Thanks if you've read it all.

Honestly, it sounds like now would not be the right time to make any lasting decisions about any of the relationships in your life.
Get some sleep and see how you feel when the horrible situation passes...

Have you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward?

It's often recommended on here. I read it myself quite recently and saw why. Definitely read it!

I also recommend "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents".

And the Stately Homes thread, of course.

You might have not ended up in floods of tears if you had just shouted stfu at her and told her to get out, ungrateful fucker!

I couldn't read this and not comment in your support.

I think you are grief stricken because you cannot just tell her to shut up with her nasty fucking ranting. It will put you back in control of your boundaries, and you will not feel like crying, because you will have expressed your anger at her, and she deserves it

Oh yes, the stately homers, they'll definitely be of great support for you. Maybe just reading it if noones up and its quiet in there , but it would be worth you posting what you've just said here.

I would say though, you must be exhausted with everything today and if you can now rest and get some sleep you will feel more ready for the fight tomorrow

You're allowed to walk away from family if they are toxic. It's absolutely okay and given the way you've been treated, I think you need to consider turning your back and moving forward with your life.

It's also doesn't sound really small

I had another thread in here on a previous name (I think) where I basically said the same thing.
I’m under stress, dm said hurtful things, I reacted poorly, what do I do now?
Strangers in the internet reframed my whole view. Someone was treating me badly and they had no right. Doesn’t matter who, when, what, where or why you don’t need to take it.
I posted after a massive adrenaline surge which I think is where you are now. A weird twilight zone where you’ve cried and cried and ranted and now you don’t know what to do.
Hold your loved once close. Lean on them.
I couldn’t not comment.

What @Shriek said about it not seeming small. Minimising abuse from your abuser is classic behaviour from the victim of something like this. Be kind to yourself.

I read it all. Sounds really hard. Definitely time to go low contact if you can’t face no contact.

Thank you all. Sorry for disappearing, I decided that sleep was the best move.

I don't feel any better really. I'm grateful for your messages.

Dwelling on it, I've come to the conclusion that I couldn't have done anything different last night. The thing that went wrong was totally an accident, and I apologised immediately. Nothing I did or said deserved the reaction I got.

The reason I described it as small is because I have a whole extended family of people who will not understand how I can walk away from my mother over what they see as a little row. So I'll lose them all. And there's always something in the way. If Christmas coming up wasn't awkward enough, she has a big milestone birthday soon too. So it's never the right time. I have children whom she adores, and they're old enough not to believe any nice story I make up- if we're not seeing her, they'll need the truth. I just don't feel strong enough for what's to come.

Every reason you give for keeping in contact with her is about someone else's feelings (hers, your extended family).

Sometimes you need to put yourself first.

If you don't want to make no/low contact a big deal just stop contacting her. Don't initiate any communication and don't respond to anything she sends that is rude or hurtful. Youc can also be "very busy" for the next couple of months to give yourself a break (maybe go away for Xmas/be too skint to visit)

I just want to say again, it wasn't small. They cannot make it something it wasn't, only you can know, and no-one can take that from you.
You can give her publicly the change to apologise, but if she doesn't, which she won't, then you can choose the way of less pain, of no further abuses from her.
Explain how you never great your DC this way to them, that being shouted at on and on like this has to stop,now, that no more will you tolerate it. It wasn't the first time but you are making it the last.
You can write and show what you've writte, explain clearly what the implications wi be that you cannot see you continuing like this any more and it has to stop.
Would you entertain group therapy with her over this and other incidents? I don't know if that would be helpful?
Good luck, its such an awful situation and it sounds like you are truly done with it now.
Speak to stately homers too, they will have lots of good advcie and support OP

The small, BTW, was on her, as she reacted so badly by shouting/ranting at you, and you've had it all your life and its truly shit and hateful way to treat your daughter

That's why it's called "the last [tiny piece of] straw".
Look forward and leave both your toxic parents in the past. Good luck for the future OP

Your mum yelling and ranting at you over a mistake in the favour you were doing is not small. You have been brought up to think it’s normal and acceptable but it really isn’t. That isn’t how people treat each other.

Have you had any counselling around this? It sounds like it could be really helpful for you.

Also I’m curious about the favour and what went wrong?

The final straw that broke the camel's back. It's always a teeny tiny thing that just tips the balance. Because there are hundreds of teeny tiny things already on the camel's back and every camel has its limits.

Read the book by Susan Forward. And as pps say, it's ok to put yourself first.

I just wanted to say a big thanks to you all. I am listening. I will read the book recommended by PP.

I am feeling much calmer now, I'm just worn out with it all.

I honestly thought I was on the edge of some sort of break down last night.

I'm grateful that you guys are here, the understanding that you all showed has helped a lot.

I'm also lucky to have my DH, who just held me last night and has taken all the strain with the house and kids today and just let me be.

I will return to this thread over the next few days when I need the strength of you lovely people.

OP I've had something similar with a 'friend' in the past week. I've been trying to appease her bad tempers/snapping and help her for 17-18 years now. Only to see it gradually escalate into her ridiculing me, shouting at me, blaming me for everything...nothing is her fault, she talks to me as if I am 5.

I did her a favour too, as you did, and got screamed at too...it was the last straw for me and I have walked now, for the sake of my mental health, knowing I do not deserve the treatment. Her own problems get taken out on me.

I hope you find this thread and the advice helpful as know that you do not have to put up with this behaviour. Would your mother talk to anyone else the way she talks to you? I think not. These types of personalities are bullies, they are inadequate and I think jealous of sane, logical, helpful and kind people. So they pick fault and eat into confidence and self esteem.

Do not accept the behaviour, put a huge distance between you. There's only so much you can take, and you have reached your limit as have I. Live for your DH and children.