do you ever feel uncomfortable about how privileged you are?

[TimeWoundsAllHeals]

I've been ruminating a lot lately about how lucky I have been in life, how I have made a huge number of bad choices for very little consequences in the grand scheme of things. I grew up pretty middle class/comfortable (not like private schools level, but definitely money was never a big worry for us and we were almost certainly in the top 10% income in our town if not in the country, both parents degree educated in terms of cultural capital etc), we had problems like any family but there was never that sense of true vulnerability that comes from being poor, there was always the expectation whatever kind of mess we got ourselves into it would all be fine - and it was, has been and still is.

My husband was poor growing up and witnessed domestic violence. He can genuinely say he worked for what he has - at least more than I can. But I look around at society and see so many people who deserve so much more than what they have, who deserve so much more than a feckless eejit like me. I feel ashamed to be honest.

I wouldn't give up my privileges though, I wouldn't impoverish myself so someone more deserving could have my place. Especially not now I have kids. When I think about their futures I want to prevent them making my mistakes, but if they did I would want them to have the second, the third, the fourth, the fifth chances I've had. I wish everyone can have those chances too but I am filled with fear that far more than we as a society are willing to admit really is a zero sum game.

What about you? Do you ever think about these things?

I feel fortunate and grateful but I don't feel uncomfortable, why would I?

I agree that there are too many people on very low incomes, reliant on foodbanks and with few prospects but I'm not personally responsible for this situation and would be happy to see (and pay for) a more equitable society

Yep. I am sometimes uncomfortably aware that I won a genetic jackpot...wealthy, loving, clever parents. Doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve to use that to the best of my ability but I’m hyperaware that I had huge advantages. And that I’m busy passing them on. We were talking about this at work this week...and I commented that it’s the cultural capital that is weird (ie I expect to take my DSs to Shakespeare once they’re 10 or so, why on earth wouldn’t we...).

The other day I spent over a hundred quid on skincare and walked past 4 homeless people. I felt extremely uncomfortable. More than that though. Frustrated because it wouldn’t make any difference if I gave them 25 quid each.

I feel fortunate and grateful but I don't feel uncomfortable, why would I?

Not speaking for you of course, but for myself it's because I have made so many bad decisions and if I had been poor I'd probably have ended up on the streets or in prison or something, but I had a safety net that other people who made mostly good decisions don't have and I feel like - those people deserve my life more than I do, makes me feel a bit sick that I have such a comfortable good life you know?

I feel grateful. I grew up money poor but love rich.
So, I sought out security, money, safety, stability and comfort. I got them. Not so sure about the love though.
I know I'm well off but i also know that just one bad break could change this so i can never totally relax and certainly can never be smug.

I feel guilty for my privilege - working class background with parents who cared, sheltered me from money worries etc. Luckily made some good choices and capitalised on my abilities to now be very fortunate with a loving family of my own. I try to help others but don’t do enough as I’m always ‘busy’

No. Why would you? It makes no difference. But I do try and do things that make things better. Not that i'm convinced that THAT makes a difference. But I feel that I should.
If I was more tolerant of boredom, and more sure of the rightness of my opinions, I would go into politics, as I think that is the only thing the could potentially change things for the better.

I try to help others but don’t do enough as I’m always ‘busy’

Oh yeah that is another thing. I have a lot of excuses for not doing more to help others. From "it won't make a difference anyway" to "we don't have the time" (but of course I have the time for other things that make my life better) to "well I don't trust this organisation so probably best to just do nothing at all".

One thing I really would like to do is mother and baby fostering but you need a spare room for that so it's not a goer for now.

I had a dreadful start in life then arsed about quite a bit. Only grew up in my forties and am now working hard at my career and being the best mum I can be. So, no, I don't feel uncomfortable because everything I've achieved has been through my own hard work.

Only when I come on mumsnet and people make me feel bad about it

No. I grew up in an upper middle class family. They kicked me out when I was 18 and I had to fend for myself. I have been so, so poor. I have spent 6 years wearing the wrong prescription glasses because I couldn't afford new ones so I could see well. My first job I had 2 trousers that I had to mend every week because I couldn't replace them. I had holes in my shoes for months. I literally wore clothes till they fell apart and I couldn't mend them anymore. I didn't pay tube fare to save enough to be able to buy cheese (I did get caught but got lots of sympathy for being young and poor). I have been asked if I lived on the street because I looked so destitute.

I will turn 40 this year and lovely DH and I bought a detached house in a naice posh town with a big garden. We only need to mortgage half of it anyway. I have salmon for lunch whenever I like. We eat out every week. I have an expensive cut of meat in the oven at the moment. I wear leather shoes, boden dresses and gold jewelry. I bought two new pairs of glasses because I just wanted something else. We take several holidays a year.

No, I don't feel uncomfortable about it at all. I do feel extremely greatful for all that I have and I'll never take it for granted.

No, but I do feel an obligation to use it and a responsibility to use it wisely.

"because I have made so many bad decisions"

Don't be too hard on yourself. Just resolve to be the best you can be from now on

Oh God not another MN bragging thread.

Is 'cultural capital' the new wanky phrase?

You shouldn't feel bad. The fact that you recognise your privilege makes you a better person than the ones who don't.
My mum loves to tell me 'they worked hard for everything they have'
They did indeed work hard. However they also bought their council home at a huge discount, sold it at a mahoosive profit, had an inheritance and moved somewhere 'naice' there was an awful lot of luck combined with hard work. She doesn't see that.

Grew up in a working class environment where you just didn't really go beyond school education.

Didn't want that myself so worked, studied and eventually managed to go to university later in life which allowed me to carve a good career. So no I don't feel uncomfortable but I do feel fortunate to have used my determination to get me to where I am and I am grateful that the decisions I made turned out for the best as anytime we could make decisions which didn't.

I relate to this is some way..... I had a comfortable childhood, and lucky to have my first car bought for me (couple hundred so nothing extravagant but still lucky compared) etc

My PIL are extremely wealthy and money is no issue in anything they buy for us, my FIL puts my car through the garage he knows well and pays it off before I collect it every time, my MIL spends loads on babytobe (due jan) and they're always paying for us to go on holidays with them etc or helping my partner out with money.

It makes me uncomfortable! I'll say that. My partner doesn't really see it, but for me I'm not used to having everything so... well having that "money's not an issue" approach to everything! And as much as they insist and are loving and great when they do pay, I'm always uncomfortable taking or accepting. It's hard to find a balance between being so grateful to them and also a little "please don't worry about us, we'll be fine, we'd have to find it some other way if you couldn't... we're adults.." yeah. Hard.

Yes!

It blows my mind that by dumb luck I was born in a country where, when I got type 1 diabetes at 11 - I could just take it for granted insulin was available.

Life expectancy for a kid diagnosed with type 1 is only a few months in some parts of the world

When I go to third world and extremely poor countries then yes I do feel guilty.

Don't want to sound like the voice of doom but you are comfortable now. However your life is not over.
I've seen many swan through life only to land on their arse in their later years.

None of us know what our future holds. So enjoy the moment. It's cocky to assume your life will certainly always stay the same

Life expectancy for a kid diagnosed with type 1 is only a few months in some parts of the world sad

Oh man, my husband has type 1. When he first got diagnosed I wanted to just drop everything to deliver insulin to remote villages in Africa (but of course everything is always more complicated than that).

I was always made very aware of how privileged I was especially regarding how expensive my education was, it has made me feel horrendously guilty for my entire life. I dwelt on it a lot when I was really suffering with MH issues after dropping out of uni and was suicidal, all I could think of (and I still do) is how someone else would have made the most of the opportunities I had, or how much difference £100k that was wasted on my schooling could have benefitted others. I feel a lot of the time that the few achievements I do have were simply down to my privileged position and not as a result of any effort or special skill on my part. As it is I'm 23 with a 2 year old and no degree, I beat myself up constantly that DD is disadvantaged because of my poor choices. DP and DD are mixed race and that has just highlighted my privilege to me further as a white woman. Having a baby at a young age also changes how other people see you, and I am not treated the same as a young mother as I was as a young woman, and I think it is because people make the assumption I am working class. That was a shock to the system, I hadn't realised I was being treated better than anyone else before my circumstances changed, it was eye opening.

Having a baby at a young age also changes how other people see you, and I am not treated the same as a young mother as I was as a young woman, and I think it is because people make the assumption I am working class. That was a shock to the system, I hadn't realised I was being treated better than anyone else before my circumstances changed, it was eye opening.

I can relate to that a lot, not related to being a young mother, but in a different context. It's both fascinating and disturbing to see the assumptions people make about others based on class markers.

Nope. I strongly believe that privilege is an attitude. I have made the most of every opportunity to get to where I am. I have been very lucky in life. I am fairly clever. I used this to get a scholarship to a good school. My mother as an emotionally abusive alcoholic which gave me to opportunity to develop from a young age good self esteem, independence, strong principles etc. it also taught me how not to behave towards people, that love is reciprocal not unconditional etc. I was a bit of an odd one out at school, couldn’t speak eEnglish at first, grew up with very different customs and values etc but I quickly learned not to measure my worth against others, not to care what others thought, and how to adjust my behaviour to meet others expectations without actually believing that these expectations were reasonable and so on. I had children in my late teens which gave me to opportunity to lead a much more stable a dmeanibgful life and so on. My parents didn’t have much money so I learned the value of money and its limitations. I can’t really think of anything in my life that I would describe as a disadvantage because I make a point of getting everything out of life that I can. To be very honest I think the only instances where true disadvantage exist are when dealing with elements that are completely beyond our control like other people’s prejudices, extreme abuse or, poverty. Any disadvantage beyond that is a personality flaw.

Any disadvantage beyond that is a personality flaw.

But on the bell curve of personality flaws I'm probably several deviations to the right and yet I have less "disadvantage" than people in the middle.

Sure people on the far left can probably make the best of any situation, but there's a whole world between them and me.