How can I help my five year old make friends? Nothing is working

[cometoawall]

We moved to a completely new part of the UK a year ago. My son had friends where we used to live. I have always been able to make some friends wherever I have been. I'm never going to be the most popular but I have still managed to make some friends.

However, my son has not got any friends at school. He has started to say that when he asks the other children to play with him they say they are playing with someone else. He says he has no-one to play with at break time. I have seen him at break time and he doesn't. He tries to join in on the edge but when the kids run off he is left behind. He just mooches about on his own. I have tried asking other parents for play dates. Sometimes they seem keen but then don't reply when I contact them. He has had three play dates. Of these we have had one reciprocal playdate a month later, one has not replied when I asked if they would like a further play date. And, the final straw, another said her child said 'No' when asked if they wanted another play date. All of these play dates had seemed to go well and all the children enthusiastically told my son how much they had enjoyed it at the end. My son used to be a bit shy but he is does interact and tries to engage other children in play. However, it is becoming clear that he is getting left out of all the friendship groups that are building up. Most children still have all class birthday parties but he doesn't really play with the other children there. When kids start having parties only with their friends he is going to get left out. This school don't mix kids up in different years, so he is with these children till he is 11.

I've tried other things. I have a younger child. I used to go to a toddler class with another mum and we would often go to the park or whatever together after the class. When I asked her if she wanted a play date for both ours in the summer hols she said that would be lovely. But when I texted to arrange she said' that would be lovely but we are busy every day of the hols. . I've had three other similar knockbacks when I have tried to arrange playdates with parents I've met at toddler groups with kids my son's age.

I don't know what to do now. I hate living here, I never wanted to move. It's hard enough that I don't have any proper friends, but it's breaking my heart that my son doesn't and that he is now starting to be aware of this. It's only going to get worse. Has anyone got any advice?

I could have written this exact post! I don’t have any advice except perhaps asking the teacher if she can put in place a little nurture group where he can play games and get to know some of his peers in a smaller and quieter situation than a playground.

I’ve decided just to sit back and let my son forge his own path for the rest of this term before going to see the teacher. I think I’ve been a bit guilty of projecting my own worries about friendships and dynamics on to him.

Good luck op- I hope someone comes along with some reassurance for us soon!

Thanks. I did speak to the teacher last week, and have parents evening this week.

It's breaking my heart. He is so, so excited when he has a play date. He has always been like that. And he is so thrilled and happy during the play date. I can't play with him like that, he needs other children. And he's had a whole year and almost no one to play with.

With my son, it's not just me projecting my worries. He has said that it makes him 'very, very, very sad' when no-one will play with at break time. The other night he asked me, 'Mummy, what if no-one in the whole world ever likes me, what then?'

He's in P1, not reception by the way. He's been at this school a year.

Are there any after school clubs where he could bond with others eg football, drama? Or something like Beavers?

I am going to try him with scouts when he is six next year. I have suggested after school club to him but he is adamant he doesn't want to go. But I wonder if it would help as so many of the other kids go to after school club and play together there. Maybe I should just tell him he has to go. There is a long queue for the play based one though where I think he would have the best chance of making some friends. He's never been an organised activities sort of kid and would hate football or sport or anything like that. I think a big problem is that the other mums and kids all have their friendship groups sorted. If no-one has a space for a new friend he's always going to be left out.

I'm really upset. I keep crying about it. Being told that one of the boys actively said 'No' to another play date with him just broke the last bit of resilience I had after this awful move and awful year.

At age 5 there friendships are still quite changeable so don’t worry that this is it. Do you ever go to the local park after school or on weekends where he might get to play with some if these children and help create possible friendships?

My children have quite a few friends but I still don’t offer many play dates as my house gets trashed 🙈. Normally if we meet up it’s at the park or soft play. Also some mums are really busy, so free time with the children is for homework, clubs or just down time. Some mums may also be shy so don’t want to sit & make small talk. Could you invite the child just over for tea after school or something? You then walk them home and mum picks up later? Christmas is a good excuse...

I'd suggest beavers too. He can go when he is 5 and a half. Take him to the one nearest the school and there will be other children from school there.

Personally I'd hate play dates so would probably make an excuse up, don't take it too personally

Thanks, Wellhell, it was an invite to tea we got a 'No' to.

There isn't really a local park here.

I think it's a combination of parents being busy, friendship groups already being formed by which parent is pals with which/ who lives close to each other (no-one lives close to us as our local school is not his school, as the local school had no places when we arrived)/ and who is at after school club with who.

I don't really know how to break into all this. I tried to reassure DS by saying, I think the kids do like you, they always say hello to you, its just about finding a way to play with them. But DS replied, 'but I don't know how to do that.' And I thought, well actually, neither do I.

I wish I had never moved here He had friends, and I was working and he'd have been in after school with his friends and it would have all been fine.

That's really difficult. Do you have to stay or would it be an option to move back? Or, could you apply to the local school and see if they have places?

To be honest, you sound very unhappy as well.

OP this sounds like a very sad situation for your son. Is there any way that he could take in something like a fun/interesting game or accessory of some kind that the other kids would want to play with with him? This would be a way of encouraging others to come to him and engage with him, rather than him always doing the ‘chasing’. Or is there any way that he could get involved with something social at the tail end of a lesson, which could then naturally transition into a break time game?

I have a five year old and this would worry me a lot too, please go see the teacher(make an appointment for extra time if you need to) and lay it on thick how worried you are about him. I'd be disappointed and surprised if the school didn't address it. They can and will pair kids up that might work well together. The teacher might also be honest with you if she/he thinks there is a "reason" for all this.

If there isn't though I think there is a good chance things will get better because the friendships are so fluid at this age.

Also I think worth seeing if you get get yourself on waiting list for nearer school, though I'm guessing you're in Scotland so not sure how it works.

I think you need to go back to the teacher OP. Maybe she can encourage the children, including your DS, that friendship, being kind, and including others is very important. It's a good idea, for each child, to take something of interest into school, they can then talk about it to the class, maybe your DS can make his little self more interesting, and the others can find common ground with him.
Keep on encouraging him, building him up each day, he will get there.
Beavers, after school club, send him, even if he's not too keen, he can try it.
Remember, you're doing the best you can, and it'll happen.💐

Thanks everyone. I am speaking to the teacher again next week, so I will see what she has done or if she has any other ideas. I will take your ideas to her too, so thanks for that. She says he does smile and is friendly to the other children so I don't think it is a problem with DS. Just that the kids all have other friends they are more interested in. I don't think the school would let him bring in toys to show other kids. No hope of getting into the local school, as it is a single class school and they already have more children in the class than they are meant to, so more than one child would have to drop out. Which is unlikely as it is a very popular school. Sugar, I really do feel I am doing everything I can, you are right. Peversely I think that is why I am feeling so hopeless. I have done everything I can think of and it still isn't working. I just get knock back after knock back. It's denting my confidence to keep getting out there to meet other parents. Which will make things worse as if I can't keep plastering on my happy, smiley face in the morning, no one is going to want to get to know me.

Yadda, you are right. I am really unhappy. I never wanted to come and I wish I had stood up to my husband and stayed where I was. I have lost everything that mattered to me and that I had achieved, and now my son being friendless and unhappy too, when he was happy where he was, is the straw that has broken my back.

Did you move with your DH's job OP, have you bought a house ?
You haven't lost everything you had, it is still back where you left it. What does your DH have to say about how you are feeling, which sounds wretched, you poor love.
By the way, with regards to taking something into school, I didn't mean toys, but something of interest, eg. a photograph of somewhere he may have been, an old coin, an old birds nest, that sort of thing.

If he is getting left behind when the others run off it sounds like he needs to remember to stick with the kids he’s playing with more than anything.
Do you do the school run? I would try and get talking to some mums at the gate or organise a mums night out or something. At this age kids mix more with their parents friends kids than choose their own friends ime. If you make friends with some of the mums then you can invite them for coffee with their kids or arrange to go to the park together.
My kids always played with the kids of my school mum friends up until about year 4 when they started deciding for themselves who they got on with best.

Yes I did move with DH's job and yes we have bought a house. I do feel like I have lost everything, I can't really go back as I have no job or way of supporting myself or the kids. I loved our house and community. I hate where we live now. I've lost my marriage too, but actually it is a good thing that I can see DH for who he is finally. I have made excuses for his behaviour for years. But this has destroyed our marriage. He made this decision, which affected me and the children, for me, not with me. He had extraordinary violent (not physical) outbursts when I tried to talk about it. He just didn't care about the impact on me or the kids, We could have lived apart, he could have travelled back easily at weekends. It would have been better than this. Now he is horrible to me. I am not allowed to talk about how I feel or the effects on my life as he gets angry and says that all I need to do is stop being miserable. I feel like he demands me to be a stepford wife. I'm not a real person to him at all, tbh. That's become clear. I really, really regret not standing up to him and saying NO. Shit would have hit the fan but it would have been better than this. Anyway, I am trying to retrain so I can get another job and leave him eventually, but that is years away.

Anyway, thanks for your kindness. Sorry for going on a rant there. I'll ask the teacher about whether DS could bring something in.

for you and hugs for your son.

I also think it would be a good idea to speak to class teacher. She could rearrange seating to encourage friendships with kids that are friendly and likely to reciprocate.

Rant away, you're really in a tough place. Do you not have family, where you lived before ? There must be a way, that you can end this miserable existence, he sounds awful.

No, no family. If there were it would be easier to go back. But without that I don't see how I could possibly retrain with no-one to look after the kids whilst I study and do placements. I've thought about it a lot, but I just fear I'll end up in a really difficult place financially and struggling to support the kids if I leave now. It's awful but I think I need to bear it whilst I get myself in a place where I can get a job where I can support myself and the kids.

Hi OP. I’m sorry for your situation. Some kids just don’t have many friends at primary school. My brother was like this, and my nephew. When my nephew started secondary he made loads of friends, has such a busy social life and a lovely girlfriend. I think his primary was quite small and cliquey and he just didn’t get on so well with his classmates. Honestly he’s the most popular boy now at nearly 15! Kids are quite resilient too so I think if you encourage friendships from extra curricular groups that would be good too. X

I'm so sorry. Is getting a job an option? You said you worked before so might that be a possibility. I'm suggesting this as it helped me in a similar situation as it meant I made friends with colleagues and felt better about the area. Also, it helped to find out about babysitters, handymen, etc.

Also, I know it's not everybody's cup of tea but could you get involved with the PTA? Or a local church.

Can you and DH find a time to have a conversation about the situation? Easier said than done.

Definitely raise it with the teacher again.

Finally are you very far away from DS's old friends? Could you arrange a visit?

If you can I'd try to use the time to plan a way out.

I really feel for your ds, saying what if no one ever likes him . When my dd was 4 and in Reception we were in the same situation and she broke my heart when she said "I wish there was a book about how to make friends." I actually did buy her story books about making friends, but I don't think she was able to make the connection. I spent a lot of time talking to her teacher about what they were doing to help her ( yes, I was 'that parent' ) and on the whole they did try to help her find kids to play with, some of the time. It was hard though, and to an extent she's always found joining in socially difficult. However, she's now at secondary school and coping well. I know exactly how upsetting it is as a parent to see your child struggling socially, and would recommend talking to his teacher, and keeping that dialogue going so you're working together on finding strategies to support him. I really wish you good luck.

Thanks so much everyone for listening. It has really meant a lot. Yadda, we are in a completely different part of the UK, so DS's old friends are 100's of miles away, so visiting not an option. I am volunteering and studying at the moment to get the experience I need to get on the vocational course I want to do. There aren't any jobs in our neighborhood though as there is nothing here really.

I have found a church that seems to have a well attended sunday school group so will start there next week, though that's not local either.

The local scouts have got back to me to say that the earliest they would expect to have a space for DS is next September! I am really upset. I had been really pinning my hopes on him starting early next year when he turns 6, and making friends there. I was hoping some kids who near to us might go.

marmalade, thanks for the encouragement about the furture!

The liverpool, thanks for sharing your feelings about the same situation. I will intending to keep speaking to the teacher about this.

We've had this with DD2 this year (she's just gone into Y1) - had it a fair bit most of her reception year to be honest, but it died down towards the end of the academic year... then they reshuffled the classes and the mix of it really screwed DD2 over!

There's an element of it being cliques in that yeargroup who have parents who bonded when the kids were in nursery together and who've kept friendships between the kids going - but done so to the exclusion of the newer kids who joined in Reception and in quite an unpleasant way in the case of one group of parents - and that's a situation I'm never going to be able to resolve bar watching out that it doesn't spill over into bullying in the classroom and being ready to support DD2 and tackle it with school if it does.

I did go into school though when it became obvious the situation was dramatically worse at the start of this academic year and it has just taken a little bit of gentle reinforcement to start to gently get DD2 more included into things - the school did a general push on "being a good friend" type behaviour, they started the social skills group up they'd been promising on DD2's SEN provision planning for a month and a half but hadn't actually implemented (I pulled them up on that one!), and they have DD2 as one of the target children at playtime to monitor and support getting into a game that the adults are leading if required (there's usually one teacher or TA out there starting up a game of something or other or getting the play parachute out on the playground at break - and they have a few kids that are marked out as either struggling socially or benefiting from having their play channelled a little more constructively than running around playing Super Ultra Mega Death Ninja Warrior Rangers kicking their mates).

First time I raised it with the school this year I got a bit fobbed off (I raised it as a real concern at her first SEN review of the year - DD2's got some minor issues) and since they fobbed me off I laid out in writing that this was what was happening, that her communication problems meant she often took time to formulate how to verbalise how she was feeling so was finding it hard to do so in school and they were assuming she was OK and she was most definitely NOT OK and as soon as I did that, very politely - not at all confrontationally, the SENCO was on the phone within 5 minutes and a plan was put in place and she's a much happier little girl now. Still very much someone who will join in a game if it's what she fancies doing but is content enough to pootle off and find something on her own if it isn't - but not left out like she was being before. Unfortunately she was born into a cohort where she's a bit of a square peg in a round hole and she gets on much better with her sibling's friends and peer group - if she'd been born that year I think she'd have had no problems whatsoever!