Slight name change.
My grandma is in the process of dying. I’m NC with the majority of my family due to childhood abuse so it’s triggering lots of emotions for me, including shame and worthlessness. There’s been all sorts of trouble, I posted on here about one of my aunts shouting at me via text for leaving pictures that my son had drawn for my grandma in her care home room (which have now since disappeared I noticed), texts from my mother to my husband begging to see my son (she and the others are now blocked on both our phones), and my aunt who is keeping me updated with how grandma is has given me the impression one minute she will recover, but then oh no she actually is dying. I was discouraged from visiting grandma in her last days, I went twice anyway. It’s been dreadful.
The shame that it all has bestowed on me has reignited my depression and self hatred, I find thoughts popping in to my head calling myself a useless bitch and I am constantly beating myself up for not being stick thin/ beautiful etc. I’ve self harmed twice. I feel desperate and vulnerable and depressed. My grandad died a few months ago so I’ve already been through this once and now again. My grandparents were the only people who made me feel worth anything when I was growing up.
I have a chronic pain condition as well and my dh and I have been totally overwhelmed with stress by all these family problems along with hassle from his selfish batshit mother.
I feel like life will never ever get better and I don’t know how to pull myself out of this headspace. Please help.