Same sex relationship and PDA. I really struggle with it :(

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Hi,

Firstly, I'm happy and in love with my DP and we're actually recently married. Problem is, I just can't relax and be openly a couple when we're out, the way I want to be.

I'm not even talking about full on PDA, just holding hands or resting my hand on her leg or vice versa. If we do, I feel like there's this massive, rainbow coloured, neon sign reading LESBIANS above our heads. Like everyone is looking at us and some will be disapproving or worse, feel anger or disgust towards us.

We have had trouble in the past, so it doesn't take a genius to work out that this will have had an impact.

I seem to be getting worse though. More uncomfortable and I would have hoped and expected that with time, it gets better.

Yesterday, for example, we were sat on the train together and I told dw that I was feeling rough and her automatic reaction was to stroke my cheek with her the back of her hand and give me a kiss. This would always make me slightly uncomfortable when out, but because I was feeling ill and maybe a little more vulnerable, I pulled away and I was actually a little annoyed with her which is just wrong! I think she understood and moved her hand. We didn't argue and it was left there. I can't stop thinking about it though and it's highlighted how much of an issue this has become.

The only times I feel comfortable to be open and affectionate with one another is when we're with close friends or family, Pride (obviously!) and in gay friendly bars. Oh and our wedding day! It was lovely to reach the end of our day and realise that I just hadn't thought about what others might be thinking.

Does anyone else understand? I hate feeling like this. I resent it, actually.

Thanks for reading. Be great to hear from anyone with advice.

Congratulations on your marriage!

I can really relate to this feeling. I'm very shy and the idea of anyone looking at me makes me really uncomfortable. Funnily though, my partner has had a much more difficult experience with her sexuality and still has a very difficult, unsupportive family, but she finds it much easier. She feels it's important to represent happy, healthy same sex relationships in public and she made the point that as a young struggling teenager it was helpful for me to see gay people in public. It did help me to think that not everyone might be looking in a negative way.

Sometimes the best way to deal with things that make us anxious is to slowly build up what we're comfortable with. Could you talk to your dw and come up with a plan together for introducing situations to help with this? You could start small, e.g. holding hands for 5 minutes on a quiet street, and move on to more difficult things when you feel ready.

I don’t mind seeing same sex couples. I don’t really notice!

you might not be comfortable with PDA full stop. i am straight and i hate it. well holding hands, fine, but anything more makes me feel a bit cringey.

I love seeing people being affectionate with each other! Especially holding hands or mindlessly comforting each other, makes me really happy to know the world is full of kindness and love.

How you feel is how you feel and you should be honest about with your wife about what you're comfortable with doing and where. But for me, unless you're actually sucking face in a confined space in public and people are feeling genuinely uncomfortable (which you're obviously not), then go with whatever works for you and don't worry what anyone else may or may not think. Gay, straight, more love the better in my book

I doubt most people notice. Unless you are full on snogging and getting it on in public - and that's not nice to see in any couple, same sex or otherwise - then do whatever feels comfortable. Maybe as you become more settled in your marriage, you will feel less judged by others. My daughter has married for 5 years, she and her wife are openly affectionate and have never had any untoward comments.

It might just be that you dont like the notion of pda at all. Im straight and I cant stand it when dp holds my hand or kisses me in public. I dont like the thought that people might be looking.
For what its worth though I dont really care or even think if other couples are showing affection in public, regardless of whether there straight, gay, bi etc.

I wouldn’t stroke my husband’s cheek and give him a kiss on a train! What is weird about not doing that? You din’t have to be in a same sex relationships not to want to do cringeworthy stuff!

don’t

That must be very difficult especially when you are newlyweds. But life is too short and you don’t want to look back and wish you had been able to be more free.
I’m very happy to see same sex couples showing affection to each other as it reminds me how far we have come and how changed the world will be for the children in my family
I hope you can relax and enjoy your wonderfully relationship

Resenting it will be making it worse. I've mental health issues and I know they're worsened massively by my failure to accept they're part of me.

I suggest you speak to your wife and explain you cannot help it and you feel really awful about it, it's something that ignored can become a problem in your relationship. It may improve or may not but you need to be kind to yourself and let your wife in to help.

Not everyone is comfortable with PDA anyway like others have said.

Please don't keep resenting it though, it can blow up into a massive non issue - my friend and her wife nearly split over lack of PDA because my friend felt her wife was ashamed of her and that wasn't the case and if she'd mentioned it and how awful she was feeling about it to her then they'd have been able to avoid all the months of struggling they went through - I'm not saying it's easy. It's not!

As pps have mentioned , are you sure it's not pdas in general that you have a problem with? Whilst I hold hands with my husband in public I wouldn't feel comfortable with much more.

Apologies if I've missed this , I'm on my phone, but how your wife take it is you just told her what your limit for pdas is?

Also I'd like to confirm that I also have no issue seeing any couple being close when out and about. Full on snogging makes me cringe because I feel like that's private behaviour but much else is just sweet imo.

My sister is gay. Her and her DW are very affectionate in public. I usually notice at least a few people do a double take when they are in public, I think mostly from curiosity, but have only witnessed one outright negative response.
It makes me feel warm inside seeing people of any sex being affectionate with each other, I love being treated that way and I'm very happy when I witness it in others.
For some reason when I see lesbian couples it makes me feel extra happiness that they are comfortable enough to express themselves without fear of a bad reaction. This is probably my bias though toward my sister. I don't think I'm explaining myself very well, but I think what I mean is that it's 2018 and you shouldn't be worried about anyone's reaction to you.
Try and out other peoples opinions out of your head and enjoy your DW loving you x

Thanks so much, for all your replies.

To answer a question which has come up a few times, no I don't think I generally have a problem with it. I would be uncomfortable to see full on snogging, as yes, it does feel a bit as though you're intruding. I've only ever been in straight relationships before and I used to enjoy holding hands in public. It's honestly a fear of being verbally or even physically attacked.

Did you get any support after the attack happened? Perhaps getting some help with that would help you. Do try and not beat yourself up about it - I know that's easier said than done! (I'm my own worst enemy with stuff like this, the logic of acceptance just flies out the window with me).

I'd judge you if you were full on snogging in the street, because I'd judge any couple who were full on snogging in the street, but I couldn't care less if I see a couple holding hands or being close (iyswim) no matter what the sex of either partner.

I silently do a little cheer when I see lesbians and gay men being affectionate in public. It's normalising gay relationships which can only be a good thing. The more commonplace it becomes the more it will be accepted.

If you don't live around many gay people I would seriously consider moving somewhere really gay friendly. Brighton in the South or Hebden Bridge in the north. It makes an amazing difference having nobody bat an eyelid at a gay couple. It also means if you have kids they will likely go to school with other kids who have lesbian mums.

I silently do a little cheer when I see lesbians and gay men being affectionate in public. It's normalising gay relationships which can only be a good thing. The more commonplace it becomes the more it will be accepted.

This is perfect! And is exactly what I'd have wanted to say.

You can't help how you feel about something, but you can can change your response to it. Perhaps go slowly and start with little actions you're comfortable with, practise it often and eventually you'll start to forget you're doing it and it'll become a reflex action.

Me too Jezebelz!

Our vicar is gay. The other day we saw him out with his partner walking the dog and holding hands. Conversation with my step son went like this:

DSS: Who's that man with vicar?
Me: That's the vicar's boyfriend
DSS: Oh, is the vicar gay?
Me: He is!
DSS: Cool!

It's tricky, isn't it?

On the one hand, it'd be nice to just be affectionate and have no one notice, but realistically of course they do. And it'd be nice to think you could just be affectionate and have it do good consciousness-raising work about making gay people visible in public. But, realistically again, it can make you a target. It is not paranoid to think so. Weirdly, when I lived in the very gay-friendly centre of Cambridge, where most people didn't turn a hair and there were masses of gay couples, the homophobic responses were the nastiest. We recently moved to a tiny village where there are no other gay couples, and it's so unexpected that a lot of people genuinely mistake my DP for a man. And yet, people have been much nicer. So I don't think it is all about moving to Hebden Bridge (!). It's just not predictable.

But, bottom line is, if you are wrong and your DP is right (and no one would mind or notice a PDA), then the worst thing that happens is that your DP feels a bit sad. If your are right and your DP is wrong, and you've instinctively realised there's someone in the area who is liable to react badly, then the negative consequences are much more serious.

I do think your DP needs to respect that.

Becca, sort of. I had therapy around that time and we spoke about it. Tbh though, it didn't help that much.

Princess, Jezz and idontbelive , Anne, please all feel free to give a little cheer in the future Maybe pop a rainbow party popper at the same time

LRD, Yes, it is tricky. On one hand I feel a sense of duty almost, to be completely out and proud and on the other, I ask myself, is it worth being harassed or abused for? Maybe it is. It's a fight far from won, afterall.

I think you fear confrontation, if i was in your shoes i would prepare something to say in advance like "who am i hurting" "whats it got to do with you"
I really feel for you and your wife as we dont live in a perfect word, some think that being gay isnt perfect and i think people who react to people being gay are not perfect.
I do hope you can get over this as we all want to know we are loved and wanted and pda clarify that as well as affection behind closed doors.
my son is gay and he feels very much like you.

I think you fear confrontation

This. I know it isn't the same but I was recently criticised in public for speaking my home language to my kids (not the language of the country) and it has made me a bit self-conscious about doing it again. Maybe you just need to keep on doing little things to get used to it and get over the anxiety?

Hmm I'm not sure I do. Well, I didn't. I was very happy to stand up for us and others for that matter, in the past. In fact, I had a bit of a rep for being the one to stand up to the bullies and not back down, when I probably should have. I guess these incidents have set me back more than I'd like to admit. Maybe there's been a bit of a delay too, because as I say, I seem to be getting worse.

Hi all. Sorry to drag this one up; it resonated with being the other party to this conundrum.

I grew up in Brighton, didn’t have a scooby that same sex couples were seen any differently until I was about 11 (high school I suppose) but ultimately grew up not really being aware of problems and not being treated any differently.

I am naturally very affectionate and my current partner experiences that of the lady that started this thread. He was also attacked 15 years or so ago for holding his bf’s hand - in Brighton! So, I (academically) ‘get it’.

Being quite the opposite, I don’t feel there’s a big rainbow flag over our heads when we sit on the train or hold hands, but I get such a hard time about it. I am so deeply in love but it’s the one thing that holds back my indefinite commitment.

He talks about getting married some day and as much as I want that - how can I take his hand in marriage if he cannot take mine in the street?

I do what I can and to his credit, he complains less than he once did if I grab his hand (we have unspokenly compromised with a little finger). But I know he hates it. I feel that he’s ashamed of me (which I know he’s not), he just finds it really hard. As do I.

I almost dread going anywhere in public with him. I see folks holding hands or being affectionate and it makes my really very sad. I don’t want it to ruin the most beautiful thing I have in my life - but equally, we cannot ignore it.

I just want to hold hands with my boyfriend. More over, I’d like him to grab mine and actually, if he did that more often - I wouldn’t feel the need. It’s heightening my awareness of being ‘different’, and I don’t believe we are. :’(

I am desperate to have kids, but I don’t want my kids seeing him pull away from me in public from time to time. I don’t want my kids to think that PDA (with anyone) is a problem. Because it isn’t.

I also feel that internal 'cheer' when I see a same-sex couple holding hands or similar when I'm out and about. Equally, I understand why it could be challenging for the individuals themselves. One of my close friends is gay and I remember when we first met, he referred to his 'flatmate' until we got to know each other better (we met through work) and then he gradually made it known that his flatmate was his boyfriend. I understand why he felt the need to suss out his new colleagues before making it known, but I wish he didn't feel he had to. You can see them switch on and off PDA - walking to a friends for a night in with friend, his boyfriend, me and my boyfriend - they will walk along with absolutely no PDA, then when in friends flat, they relax and are back to being 'couply'.
I'd love to see a world where there's no stigma. I hope we see it in my lifetime.