Are you with a partner for security and nothing more?

[buddahbelly]

Im just wondering how many people there are out there in these circumstances.

Ive been with dp for nearly 18 years now, we have a house together and a 6 year old son. Were currently at a crossroads in our relationship where we both realise its either time to split or try our best and we've decided so far to try harder. Our sex life is awful, we've probably slept together 3/4 times this year alone. Because of this complete change in person I no longer find myself attracted to him sexually.

Im finding I have nothing in common with him anymore, we both lost our fathers within a year of each other, yet where as ive grieved and thrown myself into work to cope he had a breakdown, has given up work, returned to uni and is hanging out with 20 year olds (hes 41 btw). I find I dont know this person anymore, he enjoy stalking about eh subject he's studying and I have no interest in it whatsoever - to the point I studied it and gave up after a year as it wasn't for me. We don't go out together, we rarely chat, he sits in 1 room and I sit in the other. I struggle to think up conversations with him that doesn't include the house or our child.

Chatting to a friend recently who has split up with her partner she advised me to stay for our son, she said it will be unhappy but you will be better there knowing what you face than having this emotional rollercoaster to go on sharing your child forevermore and stuff along with you will have a roof over your heads too.

Just wondered if this is what people actually do? Stay together and be miserable waiting for the other to die. Am I wrong for wishing to start over again somewhere, but terrified of doing it. Then my friends words ring in my ears and is it a case of better the devil you know?

Personally I think it's more damaging for children to witness their parents unhappy relationship than being separated from one of them.

You only get one life OP. Make sure it's a happy one.

If I ever got to the point where I didn't love DH then yes I would leave him.

I left my well paid exh when I was a SAHM, rented a flat and went on benefits for a while. Would never have occurred to me to stay just for security. I prioritise my happiness and self worth more.

Thank you both, the one life thing is in my he'd too and as I feel a lot more relaxed when he's not around and so tense when he is I think I know where my heart is leaning to.

Can I ask though how do you get over the self doubt, the constant questioning "have I done the right thing"?

The fact that you're even thinking about a life without him is enough imo to tell yourself it's the right thing.

Imagine yourself in 1,5,10, 25 years still with him. Do you think you'll be happy?

I left my first husband many, many years ago due to him being an arsehole and at the time was petrified of wondering whether it was the right decision. I come out in a cold sweat now thinking how my life would have panned out had I stayed.

Thats it though, hes a good guy, he doesn't deserve how unhappy he is right now, its just circumstances that have been around him and how hes reacted to them have got him to the position he is now.

I feel if he'd carried on at work he'd still be happy, but I see him miserable and making me miserable too.

If he was an arsehole it would be so much easier to leave. But I cant help wondering if im doing the right thing because hes not actually done anything to make me want to leave.

For me it was the feeling I got when I first stepped into the flat I rent. I was so scared but the thought that popped into my head was "I AM FREE" and I've never felt so elated in my life.

I am 4 and a half years post divorce. I love my life and most importantly I have a happy DS. Myself and my ex husband get along better than we did when we were married. He has a girlfriend and he is much happier with her than he was with me. I enjoy being single and spending the time that DS is with his father seeing friends and pursuing my own interests. I remember wishing desperately for a life like the one I have now when I was unhappily married.