How do you share childcare & house work responsibilities?

[Glorianaz]

We have recently found ourselves in a position where DH is working and I am not. We have one DC in school and a 6 month old. So I am at home with the baby all day and doing school runs.

I am expected to do the housework which I don't think is too unfair when I'm at home all day but some days I'm really struggling to get a lot done when the baby is playing up or I have to go and run errands. DH isn't happy when I haven't done the jobs he wants me to do and complains.

I get up with the baby in the night which again I think is fair since DH has to get up for work. But he refuses to get up with her at the weekend either when I've asked if he could. I am so tired. He says because he works he doesn't ever get a break and if I was doing the house work that I should then it would be fair and he would consider it.

I'm not sitting at home on my arse all day I'm looking after the baby who can be hard work right now. I really do feel I'm trying my best but starting to think maybe I'm unable to manage stuff that everybody else can.

Last night he complained that when he comes home I always look like a mum and I don't make an effort with my appearance which I suppose could be true but I'm so tired I don't have the motivation to sit and do my hair nicely or put a lot of make up on.

I'm wondering if I'm really not coping or if this is normal

Not normal, no. He's being selfish and un-supportive. He complains that he never gets a break but when do you either?

He should get up with the baby one night of the weekend to give you time to catch up on some much needed sleep. You can share those 2 nights at the weekends. You deserve a weekend too. You're both parents, not just you.

He lives in his house with his family. He makes mess. He creates laundry. If he wants someone to clean up after him, keep the house spotless, cook his meals and raise the children then he needs to hop in a time machine and go back to 1940. He is an adult and needs to contribute to running the house that he lives in. Bringing in a wage does not make you exempt from those responsibilities.

And to complain that you look like 'a mum' when that's all he sees you as and enables you to be then what more can he possibly expect! Sorry but I'm so mad for you! You sound like you're doing an amazing job and getting nothing but criticism, animosity, and very crucially, no respect in return.

I do childcare, DH does housework. We each do what the other one is shit at.

He gets a break in the evenings and weekends. He’s not at work 24/7

Further more because you are not working, he doesn’t have to worry or do any childcare. Another bonus for him.

These are his children and he cannot devolve himself of any responsibility.

He sounds like a massive twat OP. When do you get a break? He doesn't get to opt out of everything because he brings money in. Why did he have children if he wasn't going to take any responsibility for them?

We have a school age child and a 2 month old. DP works Mon-Fri but he does one night feed every night, washes up the bottles before work and makes DS a packed lunch while I feed, change and dress DD and get myself ready. DD is a velcro baby and there are days where I can't even put a wash on. So he will put one on when he gets in from work, then takes DD so I can cook dinner (he can't cook to save his life). WE decided to have children. And I know the velcro stage doesn't last forever and as DD gets bigger I'll be able to get more stuff done, but right now DP is helping as much as he can. As should yours be. He is being so unfair to you OP.

Essentially when we're both at home it's 50/50.

I'm on maternity leave with a 3 year old and 4 month old, like you I try to do what I can during the day but sometimes I don't even get a chance to empty the dishwasher! But my husband is basically happy for me to worry about the kids during the day and we'll sort other stuff out later when we're both there

OP, I hope your partner has some redeeming qualities, because his attitude towards you is awful.

I'm not sure I could love my DP if he treated me like that.

Also

You deserve more support, not criticism

I agree that you should do the bulk of the housework if at home whilst your husband is at work BUT- weekends, no you deserve a night of not waking up in the night. There are two days in a weekend, two nights, thats one for each of you as you have BOTH been working and contributing towards the household all week. As for your other half complaining about you not finishing tasks and how you look.....hes disgusting and should should leave him alone for a day. See him trying to after the kids for a whole day whilst keeping a clean home and see if he looks like Bradley Cooper at the end of the day.

What's good about him? He sounds awful! When I was on mat leave with DS (Velcro baby who would only sleep on me) I was lucky some days to get dressed and eat and drink.

We did as much housework as we could between us whilst juggling DS! Since when does working full time require the person to have full relaxation at all times outside of work? Does he spend any time with the DC?

What would your DH do if he was on his own? At this rate of be starting to think he might want to find out!

Can you go back to work at the end of your mat leave?

The 1950's called and want your DH back.

It depends what it is he thinks you should be doing. A quick hoover and mop, loading the dishwasher or making the bed is easy. A full house clean, meal on the table and a bow in your hair not so.

I hate these kinds of threads as inevitably people pile in saying what a mother should be doing. Some people seem to think that the fact that you aren't at work means that you automatically have opportunity and time to do all the housework and chores but it just doesn't work like that. Some people are lucky enough to have relatively "easy" babies or toddlers that allow you to get lots done in their awake time or their naps, whereas others are the complete opposite. Honestly, unless you've had a child that is of a challenging temperament then it can be really hard to understand just how impossible it can be to get stuff done. It's not a case of withstanding a bit of whinging or encouraging independent play, some babies and children demand pretty much constant attention when awake and either completely refuse naps or require pretty much constant parental involvement to nap.

I think the key thing here is you are doing your best in the daytime and quite rightly focussing on your children whilst doing whatever else you can fit in. Put simply, this is enough and don't let anyone convince you otherwise. I don't know why people think it's acceptable to determine that mothers or babies and young children should be achieving more when they don't have your children or your setup so have no idea about what is actually realistic or possible. It seems that SAHMs and mothers on maternity leave are fair game for uninformed outsiders (and insiders) to make up a job description that incorporates a workload that hasn't been agreed or objectively determined to be sensible.

I can't help but think a lot of this thinking ultimately boils down to good old misogyny. Women are the ones that typically do the majority of the domestic and childrearing work so it is in men's interests to pretend this stuff is easy so you can undermine women's achievements and also as a man absolve yourself of any responsibility for this stuff as you can convince everyone (including the woman herself) that she should be able to do all this stuff effortlessly without bothering him. Don't fall for it OP and make sure you stand your ground, you're doing more than enough and you should be looking at effort expended to work out what is equitable. Sounds like your partner should be stepping up and doing more, not you!

Apparently I live in the 50s.

Husband works late every weekday so I do all the childcare, basic house maintenance, laundry, food shopping and cooking.

Husband is responsible for the bins, bills, food at the weekend and any repairs that need to be sorted.

We have a weekly cleaner.

I am the one who gets up in the night with our one year old, although if it's before midnight I leave it to DH as he's still up and for some reason he is allowed to put DS back down without any fuss (whereas I have to cradle him for about an hour before he won't cry hysterically if I step near the cot). To be fair, DS rarely wakes up in the night so this isn't really a big problem.

I also normally let DH have a lie in for one day at the weekend. In theory we are supposed to have one each, but in reality I rarely get one. DS wakes up promptly at 6am everyday.

I try and get DH to do the bulk of childcare at the weekend because it's their only proper time together but sometimes he gets intense about something (eg clearing the leaves from the garden) so will spend hours doing that instead.

He is never reluctant to do things, but sometimes I don't think he appreciates the flexibility me being at home gives him. He can work late, he can go for drinks after work, he can go away for a few days for a conference.

He was being a bit of a dick about me not doing some stuff around the house a few months ago but then I was bed bound for a week and he had to stay home to look after DS so he quickly found out how much time and energy childcare takes up.

The way I see it is that I'm staying home to look after our child and that's my job now but he has the responsibility of being the sole income. He can't not be working so if that means I have to do a few extra things than I would like, that's just the way it has to be. Having a cleaner definitely helps though!!

But we've only been doing this for a year so I might feel differently in a couple of years or when we have another child.

Fairly unanimous it seems. Most days I feel that I am just completely failing at everything because the house is not spotless I'm exhausted and I look completely frazzled by the time he gets home. Yesterday I had to go out for half an hour in the evening and as soon as he got in and had his dinner he went upstairs on his own 'to have his space before he had to look after the children'. Time for a kick up the arse maybe.

He complains you 'look like a mum?' WTF!

Think if he is working and you are not it's fair enough for you to do the lion's share but it's not ok for him to complain about what you do or don't get around to or how anything is done. That's the red flag.