DS father avoiding full maintenance payments

[Jennywelsh]

I was in a brief relationship with a compulsive liar (who is actually a consultant psychologist so who would have thought) which resulted in my wonderful DS being born. At the time he told me he had separated from his wife, who had gone to live with her sister. He stayed over with me frequently so I had no reason not to believe otherwise. Anyway long and short of it was he had not broken up with his wife and was cheating on her with me. She now knows about the affair and my son.

He has decided because of his conservative community and beliefs that he wants nothing to do with his son in means of contact. He states his profession has given him the insight that a completely absent father is better than an ad hoc one, and he could not commit to seeing our DS regularly as he has his family with his wife who take presidency.

I have been very civil and understanding towards the wife, who too is also a victim and we agreed to keep contact minimal between us for her sake, even mutually agreeing to go through child maintenance so there would be no disputes over him making a financial contribution towards his child, and we would not need to have on going messages between us.

Him and his wife are very much together, however they have told child maintenance they have separated and he is living at his fathers, she has filed her own child maintenance claims against him resulting in my payments being lowered.

Child maintenance have basically said they must take what he says on face value as they won’t be investigating it to prove otherwise. It just seems a little unjust to me so any advice on what I may be able to do to resolve this? It is a difference of £100 in payments to me pcm which for me is quite substantial.

Is it possible she’s kicked him out?

Or, is she potentially claiming benefits which would be stopped if he lived with them?

I'm in a dispute with CMS over my payments. My ex partner quit his job, so I was getting £6.73 a week. He has since got a job, told me has a job, but haven't told CMS who are under the impression he still gets state benefits. Therefore won't review our case til they are told otherwise by him. His word seems to be more important than mine. Shocking really.

I really doubt she has kicked him out nor is she claiming benefits. Just before I went CMS he asked if I could hold claiming for a few months as the wife managed their finances as she wanted to clear off some other payments first. Like a fool I did. He has a good job as a consultant in London and is on a high income. I think they were shocked by how much I was awarded, however I do feel the amount is fair. I cannot return to work at the moment and my income has taken a extremely significant drop. They however clearly do not feel the same as me. When I spoke to him about it, he said the situation was of my own making.

I think her stance on the matter is I am taking away from her children, which is also one of the many reasons he gave for not seeing our DS. Why would he spend time with our DS that could be spent with his family and wife.

I don’t think anything can be done. I certainly don’t have the funds to hire a PI to take pictures of them together, nor would it justify the £100 increase in my payments for the outlay costs.

I was always under the impression they have access to NI numbers and tax information and would be able to clarify this? That is how they calculated my payments by seeing how much he was earning. I would go back to them maybe as it seems absurd they can do that yet not clarify if someone is paying tax on their earnings.

But you can't be 100% sure she hasn't finally had enough of his shit though.

Do you live near so that you or a friend could do your own bit of surveillance? This is possibly a terrible idea though lol

Do you think you can report him to the following :
www.gov.uk/report-benefit-fraud

Could this help?
What are cms saying?

I would personally make their life hell, and be like if you two are no longer together we should meet up and you can be involved with the child as now there is nothing stopping you seen as you are no longer with your wife how about a date (just to set him up)

I would name and shame on any public forum he uses.
Are there any psychology related media you could find.
You may not gain anything financially but let the world know how he shirks responsibility.
Contact them and tell them as your son grows up all she can do is tell him how his dad preferred his other family, lied and didn't provide for him.

I felt bad for the wife until she interfered to help him shake responsibilities. If my husband did this and (currently pregnant) decided he would claim to live elsewhere so he can reduce his cm payments I would not stand for it! To me it's you fathered a child now you man the f up

I did name and shame him to a degree. He is a religious person and him and his wife didn’t want anyone to know about his indiscretions because of the shame it would bring upon them, and because of the pressure to see his son and raise DS according to their faith. I created an Instagram account in his name with screen shots of his conversations with me, the picture of the one and only time he has seen his son, and one or two pictures where my DS is undeniably his, I then sent follow requests to all his friends! He wasn’t conservatively religious when we were together. He messaged me arguing that I should respect his beliefs. I replied ‘I believe everyone should know what a (rude word) you are. Please respect that also!’

I would never disrespect him to my DS. I think that would impact his self identity to know his father was a terrible person who didn’t want to be involved in his life because he didn’t seem him important enough. It is bad enough for him to not want him without me reinforcing that belief. I do not how I will approach the fact his father is not around yet but when I do it will be done on a tactful way that won’t impact on my DS.

I don’t think he would go on a date with me now. He knows I have zero respect for him now and would be highly suspicious if I wanted to meet him. His last messages to me were quite clear he thinks I have cause issues in his marriage and he now has a lot to prove to his wife. He refuses to take any responsibility at all for the part he played in all of this.

Jenny

Speaking from experience I would much rather have known the truth about both my parents than to have been told the truth/had to work it out myself when older.
You will always be there for him, imo your child needs to know exactly what his father is.
If it as me I'd carry on until I ruined him.

I think Instagram isn't a strong enough platform for these things I think FB would be much better. I'm guessing his family like parents doesn't know anything. What a scumbag! Also don't forget to let the wife's friends and family know too.

He deserves all the shaming

I was thinking about Facebook in my moment of madness but to be honest I acted out of anger when I did an Instagram profile and took it down within 36 hrs. Whilst he does deserve all the misery reaped upon him, he does have children with his wife who would also be affected by him being named and shamed.

I really struggle with the concept how you can feel so strongly towards two of your children and not another. DS looks very much like his father. His father even said as soon as they (him and his wife) saw his pictures there was never doubt DS was his child. I think he was secretly hoping I was some floozy with a whole list of possible fathers lined up!!

I cannot get past all the lies. DS has to go into hospital as a precautionary after he had severe vomiting and began to dehydrate. I told his father via WhatsApp I was taking him in. The last time we spoke he denied knowing anything about DS being in hospital, so I showed him a time stamped screenshot of him being online the day we spent on hospital. His excuse was he stopped using his WhatsApp because he wanted to forget that side of his life. The guy is unbelievable! He cannot tell the truth about anything!!

I wonder what his professional medical body would think of his behaviour?

I'm going through this at the movement. My ex has refused to pay his maintenance this month and is lying to everyone as to why. Blaming the cms, then blaming me - but whatever.

He has to give his employment details and they then check them against the HMRC to get an accurate calculation. They review it once a year.
How do you know what he earns?

He also must be registered at his dads address - as they check that too.
If he's registered at his dads yet still living in the family home there's not a lot you can do.
They will take money away from you as he has other dependents to pay for too - it's not fair but they say it is fair

Go to his church this Sunday with your DS. Everyone will be intrigued who you are as you're new. Tell everyone who you Are, who the father is and how he's refusing to pay for his upbringing or even spend any time with his own child.
Tell your ex that you'll be there every week until the maintenance is paid in full.

Well when he was feeling sorry for himself he referred to himself as a ‘junkie’ in a message, saying he could not believe I had chosen to have a child with a ‘junkie.’ I really didn’t know what to think when he said this and put it down to another one if his lies. However the one and only time he came to visit his son, his wife phoned me up to say she had found his stash in his car and called me a druggie. I had no time to listen to solicit nonsense so put the phone down rather than entertain such a ridiculous phone call. A friend said I should consider reporting him to the general medical counsel but that would be rather counter productive as if he lost his job then I would receive no maintenance payments at all. I know this is a selfish view point to take.

I sincerely doubt he is a junkie, albeit a worrying thing to say about himself. However he may just be very good at hiding things. His wife probably wasn’t looking for drugs, but rather evidence he was or was not still having an affair, and happen to come across them.

I don’t know what to believe when it comes to this man! It’s all seems so Jeremy Kyle. It’s really embarrassing for me.

He is registered at his dad’s address and it does seem I cannot do anything.

I know what he earns as the CMS told me when they sent me a letter to show how my child maintenance was worked out.

It’s just frustrating that I put off claiming because he said his wife wanted to pay something off quickly so the finances would be there for me, just for them to conspire to make sure my payments are as low as possible.

I wouldn’t want to go to his place of worship to rant about him. To be honest the fact he doesn’t want any involvement with DS in light of the information that has surfaced is perhaps a blessing. He’s a toxic person and a pathological liar it would seem. I also do not want his any of his family pressurising him to pursue a relationship with my DS in order to have a influence on his religious beliefs.

As awful as the situation is I think that you take it for what it is now. Stop all nonessential contact with the guy and then go through CMS in 6-12 months and keep doing that every couple of years. Don't engage with him but don't let him get away without taking care of his son. You should also get him to sign a legal document saying that he isn't going to take you to court for visitation or custody and that he signs his legal rights away as his father.

We are already on only essential contact. The last time I spoke to him was to ask him about food allergies in the family before weaning. Unless I really need to speak to him, I do not wish to.

I had not considered a legal document for him to forfeit his legal rights, and that seems like a very sensible idea. Thank you for bringing this to my knowledge.

As he's a pathological liar and apparently will be pressured to begin contact/religious teaching of his son if people know about him a legal document will protect you and your son in the long term. Have it written in that you promise not to spread the information or something to protect his ego and encourage him to sign.