I am shit parent

[Harleyisme]

I have a school refusing 15 year old who has autism. He simply doesn't care what i do to punish him for not going. School are at a loss too. He will take any punishment as long he doesn't go to school. Hes nearly 6ft and a big lad so i can't drag him.
I have a 5 year old with development delays still in nappies thats in recpetion class and not doing so great.
My 3 year old is now saying he doesn't want to go nursery and his dad had to take him in screaming.
I am shit dont know what to do now i have done everything i and everyone else can think of yet i am still failing my children.

You aren't shit. You are doing your best and it is fucking HARD. I've got teens and little ones too and having the two different kinds of tantrums is soul destroying. It'll be ok. Hang in there. 

I hope so. I am looked at like i am supposed to have a magic wand to solve everything and i don't. I am constantly thrown under the bus by schools and professionals they say its all my fault but i try how do i compete with schools boring, shit and irrelvant when he doesn't care what i do to punish him as long as he doesnt have to go to school.

Well, you clearly are not a shot parent, and have a lot on your plate.

What does he do when not in school? Would he home ed himself from the internet? My Ds taught himself GCSE Physics from the curriculum book and the internet.

The punishment tactic clearly isn’t working so maybe he just doesn’t respond to ‘extrinsic ‘ pressure. What subjects is he interested in?

As a fellow parent of a child with SN, stop being so hard on yourself! If school are at a loss too, your older DS's school refusal is not all on you. My DS only attended school for 3 months between the summer term of Yr 10 and the whole of Yr11. He is now just about coping with mornings at college after a very rocky start.

School are presumably aware about the development delays in your 5 year old are cooperating with any assessments so why would anyone judge you for the nappies?

Yes sometimes just a toddler having a normal tantrum in addition to everything else can set you over the edge (been there) but all you can is take a deep breath and keep on keeping on.

We eventually got a home tutor 3 days a week. DS has severe learning difficulties though so he was never going to achieve any GCSE's. He really struggled in the school environment, feels calmer in college although he's very disengaged still hence the mornings only.

Hes very intelligent hes vould eaily get 7 to 9 for gcses. I have thought about home school for along time but i know he wouldnt do anything thats not of interest to him. He researches alot about things that interest him and can tell you anything about trains, buses, lorries and bancrupcy as they have all be highly interesting to him he will not at home do anything that he doesn't feel he needs. He doesnt do homework as he doesnt see the point and the biggest issues we are having at the moment is he doesnt see why hr needs to learn things he will never use though out is life. I have no answer to this i dont know what to say to him or how to make ut should like he needs it iykwim.

Also thank you everyone. Mornings are rough at times.

I would agree the punishment isn’t working so just stop that.
Your local home ed. community will have had experience of this, lots of teens and families are finding themselves in this situation.
You could search on Facebook using the search terms ‘Home education’ and your local town or ‘SEN’, ‘home education’ and your county.

Hugs to you, it’s bloody difficult and the overstretched LAs and schools aren’t helping.

As for the nappies although he doesnt show signs he can go with out at school and only manages wees by chance i have very much been looked at for the past 2 years from nursery and school like i am not doing ebough simply because i refuse to force him to go and sit on a toilet every 20nminutes as he was getting distressed by it and because i won't just take his nappies away as when we did he was constantly wet. I have worked with my hv who has been brilliant and supportive and agreed with me. We actually ended up having to get pur gp and hv to write letters proving all we had done and that we have and continue to try and that by not applying loads of pressure abd anxiety was the right thing to do.

No reason he should do stuff he isn’t interested in really. That would be better than the battle you’re having now.

Velvetbee you know thats exactly right.

You must be under immense pressure. Don’t worry about the three year old. Most go through a phase of not wanting to go. Re the nappies don’t let the school make you feel like shit. You are clearly on top of it and doing what your HV and doctor suggest. Regarding the 15 year old the school isn’t a good fit. Given his interest in bankruptcy I would suggest you organise some work experience with an insolvency practitioner and his interest in trains work experience with train engineers, lorries try looking at a lorry company etc. so that he has something to work towards. When he realises that he can spend the rest of his life doing what he loves he will be more likely to do the work to get the grades he needs to get the qualifications to get the job. Otherwise it dies seem quite pointless without an end game. Perhaps figure out which career he wants whether it is working in insolvency or designing trains or whatever and the write a step by step plan of how to get there.

Have you tried taking everything out of his room computer books and just leaving it completely empty with no toys just a bed, lamp and wardrobe. Then saying he has to stay in the room if he doesn't want to go?

I don't know if this is cruel but am sure he would prefer going to school rather than sitting in bed doing absolutely nothing?

You're not a shit parent. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Having one child with a SN is hard, I have one and struggle often. You have 2. You're under a lot of stress. Do you get support from anywhere?

I also have a 15 year old, who is 6'2, and although he doesn't have SN, he thinks he is a man not a child and his hormones are all over the place.

Puberty for a child without SN is a struggle, My child with SN is 13 and starting puberty and he doesn't cope well on some days, it's very confusing all these feelings.

At one time the school leaving age was 15 anyway. My dp left school at 14 and has never been out of work. So your 15 to isn't exactly a child. racecar's advice is sound. As for the 5 yo, it makes sense to send him in nappies if he's unreliable. What's the problem? It's no reflection on you!

Thank you racecardriver thats a brilliant way forward we will be working on that.

Unicorn yes i have done that it makes matters far worse than better.

Thank you alemony no we don't get much support with the eldest anymore as he simply wont go the appoinmnets and sessions and i have been told not to force him. We get some support with the 5 year old but most of it is up in the air as he has no diagnosis and i know they say you shouldnt need one but everytime we get refered to a service we get refused support for not having one.
Sn and puberty is the hardest thing i have ever encountered.

What kind of school is your oldest as OP?Would a change of school help do you think?Or would a tutor and home schooling be something he might except?

I know it's really hard we have 5DC and 2 of our DC are asd and a third is awaiting the same diagnosis.

We also went through the not using the toilet,our DC was nearly 11 by the time we stopped having to use pull ups(well the adult equivalent)and the one day they started going on the toilet and from that day they woke up in the night if they needed the toilet as well.It can be bloody soul destroying when the proffesionals can only suggest the things that you've already one.

We were so worried we even ended up going privately and took our DC to have hypnotherapy.We must have spent a good few grand over the years with different potty's,toilet seats,toilet steps,toilet supports,different mats for the bathroom,outside help,star charts,prizes and stickers you name it we did it and then some and I've worked with children that are asd and none of that helped.

With our DC and the toilet it was because of fear(they'd had problems with they stomach and constant constipation despite a good diet and medication and the fact of not wanting to lose things that came from they're body,having they're nails or hair cut was the same.

Oh wow that's tough! Does he have many friends at the school? Do you think maybe some bullying is going on by any chance?

Hes currently at a mainstream school it has 450 pupils in it. He wouldnt handle the other mainstream school as they ahve 1300+ pupils in them and thats too much for him. He doesnt qualify for any other sort of school as hes too intelligent. I haven't actually spoke to him if he would work with a tutor instead do you think i should.

I think it's a medical reason with the 5 year old as if he doesnt have anything on to stop himself weeing every where he will squeeze his penis. He still soils and wets when he is asleep too. Its hard getting people to see we have tried it all and yes i am resisit at times to pile the pressure on him. At school when they change him they ask of he would like to try and on the odd times he does manage hr gets a sticker and sweet this hasnt made do it more he still wets in his nappy. I do the same at home.

No bullying he has been bullied in the past but he always comes and tells me and we get it sorted.
He has some sort of friends at school but he only ever interacts with them at school.

I have autism, and I cannot urge you enough to let him stay at home and find a way to pursue his interests. It is soul destroying for us autistic people to be pushed into 'learning' in a social environment. Racecardriver has excellent, excellent advice which I really hope you follow.

Possibly the issues with the younger 2 are anxiety due to the conflict with their brother, and will also improve once he is settled?

But I would get the Dr to see about the weeing in case it's a uti.

The 3 year old is definitely affected by the situation its hard to tell with the 5 year old as he often seems in his own world and unaware of whats going on.

There's no uti hes been tested for obe several times.