Should I contact my long lost cousins?

[Whatshouldido2018]

Regular poster who has name changed for this.

I have a dilemma and would really appreciate some advice please. I’d like you to be really honest and tell me:

Do you think this is a good idea or not?
What would you do in this situation if you were me?
How would you react/feel if you were one of my cousins?

Won’t go into all the details as it would be too long, but here’s the long and short of it. We (meaning parents and I) have been estranged from my fathers family for many years. Very dysfunctional family. The main fall out is the terrible relationship between my father and his brother. Brother is/was a drug addict with what sounds like a personality disorder, if father is to be believed.

I have two cousins on this side, the brothers children, who I haven’t seen for over 30 years. We’re all in our 40s now. My father hasn’t been entirely honest about a lot of things in general, and I suspect some of this has been exaggerated. I’ve been trying to find my cousins for years, and I finally have on Facebook. They were lovely as children and I regret that because of our parents relationship we were unable to have a family relationship.

Why do I want to get in touch with them? Because they are family and I care and think about them a lot. They must have gone through a lot with the family (as did I) and I want them to know that not all the family is bad, and I care about them. I’m hesitant though because of the difficult relationship between father and uncle. However, uncle is now very ill as I found out and not in a position to cause any trouble now. My father knows I’ve been thinking of getting in touch with them.

Should I bother? I know so many years have passed but because of family circumstances it’s not been easy to make this decision. I don’t expect anything from them and wish them well. If they don’t want to know that’s fine, but just want them to know know Im there for them.

If I contacted them, I’d keep it fairly brief saying it’s taken a while to find them and make the decision to contact them. I wouldn’t reference their father or my father at all. Just that I wish them well etc.

Thanks so much for reading.

Yes, do it.
One of my cousins contacted me fairly recently after at least 20 years (we both live overseas). It was great to catch up.

Yes do it! I was out of touch with my uncle for many years but kept trying to find him (we’d both moved to different countries before email) and finally we found each other again. We now have a solid relationship. It’s definitely worth trying. Your cousins probably want to know how you are, too! Good luck! And keep us posted. 👍👍👍

I can't see any reason from your post why you shouldn't contact them. I'm sure they would be pleased to hear from you.

Thanks all x
I'm only really hesitant because of the dysfunctional family relationships, don't want to cause them trouble or grief.

Just tell them what you've told us. I'd be delighted to hear from you if you were my cousin.

I've actually done something similar a couple of times. Once via Facebook, which is just as well I did as my cousin got to see our grandfather before he died. His parents had totally isolated him from the rest of us & he had no idea what was going on. The other cousin via linked in, to get some care arrangements sorted for their mother that I couldn't set up as I wasn't next of kin (long story).

Go for it.

I would say do it! My sister and I just got back in touch with our cousin in the last few months. Her mother took her and her brother away when she divorced my uncle (my dad's brother) and we never saw them again. We heard all sorts of stories in the years since and my uncle didn't ever see much of them. A few years back his daughter came to stay with him but apparently ended up stealing all sorts from him and disappeared again (I have only heard this from his younger daughter from another marriage, so don't know the truth). My uncle passed away earlier this year and I got hold of her to let her know. We have gotten to know each other again (and put a bit more context around things) and my only regret so far is not having done it sooner.

Good luck!