One for my fellow autistics...

[SometimesItIsHardBeingMe]

I'm really struggling with shutdowns and withdrawals at the moment.

I started a new hobby a few months ago. It's a small group of people and took me a while to settle in or to even talk to anyone. A few weeks ago, my 'position' in the hobby has elevated somewhat. I didn't seek it but, basically, I have a skill that they are lacking in the group and someone volunteered me for it.

There is someone in the group whose role it was originally. They are a bit flaky and their attendance is sporadic but the role is necessary. Since they've got wind of me 'taking over'/'filling in', they've increased their involvement and commitment again. The group's leader wants me to still do it and thinks the other person's renewed interest will be shortlived. I'm finding this sense of 'conflict' difficult.

I'm now fighting the urge to leave the group weekly. It's too much. The thing is, I don't want to step down from the position - I can do it, I'm just a bit out of practise so it's a bit of a steep learning curve for me. It's not that I want to stay in the group and just step down from that, I want to leave altogether. I don't want to step down and stay.

They are friendly and someone suggested we meet for coffee this week but it hasn't happened.

I think that means she's changed her mind and doesn't like me after all.

This always happens and I'm trying really hard with the self talk so that I don't leave but my anxiety is increasing.

I think some of it is that it is all feeling a bit 'close' and too much socially.

I really want to make friends and this seemed like a good way to do it but, at the same time, I get overwhelmed by the friendliness because then I tend to have a couple of pints (literally 2) to calm my nerves and regret, what I feel is, oversharing or being 'too autistic' - I tend to say odd things and I worry that people will avoid/judge/dislike me as a result. Or just think I'm an idiot.

The problem is that, if I don't have a couple of pints to calm my nerves, my anxiety is huge anyway and I end up withdrawing and not speaking with anyone or being so overwhelmed by it that I can't do things properly.

I just wondered if anyone else has experience of this.

It's a pattern that follows regularly.

I find it difficult to read people so I don't know whether they actually like me. Or think I'm any good in the role.

The leader will sometimes message me to say I'm doing well or whatever but I still don't feel confident with it.

I just want to walk away from all of it.

I've reduced my social contact massively over the past few months and I don't really want to withdraw completely. My last proper social withdrawal lasted for nearly 15 years. I just didn't interact with anyone beyond what was essential/necessary and it was all very superficial.

It was really hard breaking out of that and I don't want to fall back into it but at the moment I can feel it happening.

I think if its causing you this much anxiety, then you need to protect yourself.
If the other person is pissing about playing hot and cold as to their interest in the role, so much that you dont even know what youre supposed to be doing and youre having to self medicate then I think maybe you should look for something a bit more low key, or just tell them to get in touch when theyve decided what they actually want.
They want you when this other person cant be bothered, but as soon as she comes back they make you feel insecure.
fuck that

I relate to a lot of what you've written here and empathise with your situation. I have left jobs and groups because I've found the pressure of being involved in something too much. I'd expect it to get easier, the longer I'm in a group, but it gets harder and I can feel the pressure building up. The reassurance from being told I'm doing a good job or someone appearing to like me is fleeting and I'm soon back to feeling like I don't fit in or am not doing well.

I say 'odd things' too and often find the expression on the face of a person I'm talking to is like this - . In the past it has made me withdraw from conversations and ultimately withdraw from the group/job. As I've got older I've decided to embrace my oddness. This is who I am and I don't know how to be anyone else. I accept that I probably won't ever feel totally comfortable in social or work situations but I've found a couple of people who seem to enjoy my quirkiness so I take that as a sign that I must be a bit likeable.

Reading your OP, it seems clear that people in the group like you and have faith in your ability to take on this role. Plus, they see you as reliable. If you leave this group you will no doubt feel a release of the pressure that's building up but you're then left with the options of either starting from scratch with a new group or going into social withdrawal again.

I think it might be helpful for you to tell yourself that you will continue with the group for the rest of this year. Over the next few weeks try to stop any negative or anxious thoughts about whether people like you or think you're up to the role, just enjoy the group for what it is. If by January you're still feeling stressed then it may be better to leave, but you may find that by taking the pressure off yourself to 'fit in' or find friends, you may start feeling more relaxed in the group.

Reading your OP has made me decide to return to a hobby group that I have been avoiding for over a year for similar reasons to yours. I love this hobby so I'm going to take the advice I've just written to you and go back

Branleuse

I suppose I just don't want that to be the only way I deal with these feelings

MarineLake

I'd expect it to get easier, the longer I'm in a group, but it gets harder and I can feel the pressure building up. The reassurance from being told I'm doing a good job or someone appearing to like me is fleeting and I'm soon back to feeling like I don't fit in or am not doing well.

Absolutely! It's been commented on at work and with friendships that I withdraw. I've also left jobs and left groups because of it.

If you leave this group you will no doubt feel a release of the pressure that's building up but you're then left with the options of either starting from scratch with a new group or going into social withdrawal again.

That is also exactly what will happen!

Thanks for the advice. It makes a lot of sense. I also think giving it till the end of this year makes it a bit more manageable - it doesn't feel so 'huge' then. I'm going to see how I feel on the day I'm next supposed to do it and make a decision then.

I really hope you do go back to the hobby! Your advice was fab

Thank you

Have you had any help for managing social anxiety? I wonder if it would have any coping strategies that would help with this.

Not specifically for social anxiety, no.

I have strategies for easing the feelings of anxiety but I struggle more so with the thoughts.

I have some cbt type strategies that I use but I don't really believe them. They just help me to think about it slightly differently to give me something to focus on.

So, for example, I will tell myself they wouldn't keep asking me to do it if I wasn't any good; they wouldn't speak to me if they didn't like me; I'm not important enough for them to spend their time thinking about what a tit I am when I say something odd/awkward or behave in a way they weren't expecting me to.

But the thoughts are still there and my strategies are more of a short term distraction than a longer term solution.

I get this, will get involved with groups of people (friendship groups), have difficulties because there will be certain things I just can't get on with or I feel they want too much from me, usually I realise that some people are dicks. I end up withdrawing completely then I need to start again as I need some social contact but on my terms really. I can feel it happening again with a group where I'm getting pissed off with certain issues and I feel people are very flaky, which winds me up.

Like a pp said, although I have times where I cringe at what I've said and the expression on someone's face, mainly I just go with it. Some people I've been honest about my aspergers with them so they understand why I occasionally say and do the things I do. Apart from that I also embrace my ways and am satisfied with how I am. This has only come with age and time though.

I'd say stick with it, don't take the coffee thing personally, many people are flaky and seem to say stuff they don't always follow through with. I tend to nod along and agree with people and take what they have said with a pinch of salt.

I also go over thing's to talk about in my head beforehand so I've got some stuff ready. The times I don't I feel awkward and that's when the shite is likely to come out.

That makes sense. Is there any way you can learn to care less what other people think?

I am not autistic myself but my husband and son are.

The people in this group largely accept you. Not everyone will accept you, especially not if they perceive you as threatening their role. But if the leader says keep doing it, well, they are the leader.

I think you NEED to stay in this group. This is on balance a good thing for you. You have a social network now, and it isn't perfect but it is good enough.

It will take some courage to keep showing up. It won't always be easy. There may be some awkwardness. But that is part of being in a social situation. Give yourself preparation time before hand (pints, preparing conversation topics) and recovery time afterwards (acknowledge ant awkwardness but remind yourself that literally everyone has social awkwardness at times).

Do you have anyone in real life you can speak to about this group? A therapist or a partner?

I really like the advice MarineLake has given.

Also I wonder if instead of having 2 pints, you could experiment with having 2 halves ( or one pint ). You may find you don't worry so much about oversharing.

Is there any way you can learn to care less what other people think?

I don't know. I think it's something of a trait. It's part of the constant trying to read a situation or another person and constantly not being sure if I've got it right or wracking my brain whilst they're talking to try and find something appropriate to say in response. I have a script that I practise and follow but when the script is deviated from or I've known someone for a while and they expect the friendship to move on, that's where I stumble. I've got nothing then. So the anxiety is pretty much constant.

I have a couple of friends who know I have Aspergers. I don't tend to tell people because I don't want to be judged negatively for it and a few people I know have more obviously autistic family members so, unless they understand the way the 'spectrum' works (i.e. it isn't a straight line from neurotypical to non verbal), I don't find them to be very understanding.

The times I don't I feel awkward and that's when the shite is likely to come out.

God definitely this. I'm too ashamed to write what I came out with the other day and it was purely because I knew I was supposed to respond with something because that's how it works but I couldn't think of anything 'normal' and just said something utterly ridiculous that made me sound like a silly15 year old. It was because all the focus/attention was on me and felt I was expected to say something but I had nothing and so came out with something stupid.

Thank you, Minor. That's what I've been telling myself that has kept me going so far. I don't have a therapist or a partner. I've got a good friend but I think she'd probably say the same as you.

Thanks, Jacky. I do usually have one or two pints. One would possibly reduce the risk of oversharing. But it's something I tend to do anyway once I get into a conversation with someone. I think it's because I have it all running through my head all the time and I get so anxious just having a normal conversation that I either say nothing or too much.

Hi OP. Thanks for sharing this - it sounds like exactly the kind of thing that could easily happen to me. I started trying to be a bit less withdrawn about a year ago and I joined a hobby club, but in my case fortunately I haven't been singled out for any special responsibility and tbh given your experience I think I might make sure I have a plausible reason to decline if I was ever asked. It sounds really stressful.

I think it's really important to remind yourself of the maxim "be kind to yourself". NT people simply don't realise the extra work we have to do to get through what to them are natural social interactions, or how exhausting it is. Do they know you are autistic? (I generally don't tell people). If not then the only person who can protect you from getting overwhelmed is you.

I think my advice is to try to manage your demands on yourself a bit. Be kind. Currently you seem to be aiming to do the hobby, perform this extra responsibility, navigate your relationship with this one flakey individual and make new friends without putting a foot wrong. That's a huge amount of pressure to put on yourself. What can you dial back on? I think in your position I would be trying to just do the hobby. The extra responsibility does complicate things for you, and it's good if you can manage to keep that on, but is there a way to let Ms Flakey do it on the weeks she shows up, and just be the backup when she doesn't? You don't have to do the additional socialising. It's OK not to. You don't have to be unfriendly, just unfortunately far too busy to fit in the suggested extra socialising times. I know you want to make new friends but you can pace yourself - maybe after a year when everything seems more familiar, it may be easier to deal with the extras.

tenorladybeaker

No, they don't know. I don't tend to tell people because a lot of people either don't really know what it is or I don't 'look like' they expect someone with autism to present so reactions can be varied.

I think the other person in the group, whose responsibility my new responsibility really is, is feeling threatened by the prospect of being replaced.

Without giving away what it is, there isn't a need for 2 people in the group to perform this role so, if I took it over permanently, their position would no longer exist. They clearly don't want this to happen but are still not consistently reliable.

I don't really want to step back into a lesser role and only fill in for them when they're not there because of the nature of it. It's a very visible role with some status. It would be ok maybe if I was filling in 1 week out of 4, but when I'm filling in 3 weeks out of 4, I kind of resent 'stepping back down' for them on the weeks they can be arsed to go.

OP, your situation (with respect to flaky person and the role) would do my head in, and most neurotypical people. It is why most of my friends step back from volunteering after a while or limit themselves to very clearly structured situations.

So, just to be clear, I do understand that it is even harder for you to navigate this.

I wonder if you actually like having the role? Does it help you to have a clear purpose and function in the group? (if the flaky person wasn't an issue, I mean) From your first post I think you do like it.

I wonder if you could seek advice or at least clarity from the group leader.

I do like the role!

I spoke to someone else from the group yesterday - I'm not the only one who is irked by the sudden renewed interest from this other person.

They think it will resolve itself in time.

I'm going to brace myself for the next few weeks and see what happens.

Thanks for all the advice.

I think speaking to someone else in the group was a really good move. You got some perspective that helps you see it isn't you, it's her (or him). This gives you a bit of space and also gives you an ally in this matter if you need one a bit later on.

All the best, OP.