How do you destress? I'm at breaking point.

[Donthugmeimscared]

I need some ideas as I am currently feeling like I'm going to break.

I'm a single mum of three between 8 and 13 I haven't had a day to myself in a year and as lovely as they are they are hard work. I also work in a specialist school which is very stressful too.

Don't get me wrong I'm happy I left my abusive ex who emotionally and sexually abused me and I feel I should be happy as I've been managing alone for 2 years now but I just feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I burst into tears on my way home yesterday for no reason I can't even remember the last time I cried but I just feel so much pressure.

I do have family but don't feel I can talk to them about how I'm feeling as they don't want to hear it. I've also never told Any one what happened with my ex. It's just like everything's chipping away.

Sorry enough moaning so back to my question how do you all destress after a hard day?

No advice but weirdly similar though my ex was not sexually abusive. 3 kids similar ages and teacher. At the end.of my rope.at times. I'm exhausted.

I would recommend the freedom programme if you can do it. It’s run by different people in different areas so you will have to google. It’s very structured group that will normalise all the things you are going through, not necessarily remove them but may take the edge off to help

I think that your 13 year old could look after the other two whist you have an hour or two in a cafe with a book or listening to some music.

You need to talk to someone.
Do you have any friends you can tell everything to?
Arrange some counselling with your gp.
You’ve been through a lot and have already identified in your post what you think could help you - talking and some time to yourself.

Can your kids stay with family or a friend for a day? Can you take a day off work while the kids are at school?
Then do what you think will help. Stay in bed and watch films, go out for a walk.
As for more every day things, a long shower helps me and chatting to friends.

I am currently trying to make friends and reconnect with old ones. I was with my ex for 11years and he made meeting friends very difficult so I lost contact.

I think I will try again asking if my family can watch them. I think even a couple of hours may work. I can't take time off work as I don't get paid.

I will look into the freedom programe. For some reason I thought it was for people who kept going into abusive relationships. I have no idea where I got that from.

Sorry enough moaning so back to my question how do you all destress after a hard day?

The 'enough moaning' bit makes me think that you dont think you deserve to moan (I do it myself)

You have been through a traumatic time.

You look after 3 DC, but who looks after Donthugmeimscared?

And the 'destress after a hard day' bit is just the tip of the iceburg.

I think you need to look at a 24 hour day.

How much time do you get in the evening totally quiet & alone?

Also in the school holidays, would you consider taking the younger 2, to holiday club and leaving them there for the day?

Ours is in a local nursery.

My DD goes to one in the summer, Xmas & most other half terms, due to me being at work but sometimes I take A/L & still send her.

They are open 51 weeks of the year, 08.00-18.00. £28 a day, that includes hot food & trips out. Age 0-12.

You may have similar near you.
If you recieve tax credits you can get £20 of that paid for you, by ringing tax credits a week before they go.

It would give you head space to go back home if you are off work in the holidays?

Look into a sick day- you say you won’t get paid, but I believe you should get statutory sick pay. It may not be your entire salary, however when take into account NI/ tax/ pension the cut might not be so bad? Maybe also see it as an investment- if you carry on you may actually cause self to have some kind of crisis and need longer off.

If really not an option can you engineer some down time at home? Ie, Friday nights is pizza and movie night. All kids write down 3 movies and snack they want, put into a hat, pick one each week. Into pjs first.
Oldest cooks pizza.
You disappear to another part of house- special bath with wine/ candles/ book, or chill in bedroom.
Time to look after yourself is massively important. You are important.

You need to talk to someone X If I need to destress, actually my dream day/night, then I get out into the fresh air to a park and go for a walk and then just sit. Then something nice with the kids a game of football or something. Then pampery night at home where when the kids are asleep I do nails and watch what I want and eat something nice. Then a full nights sleep. Big hug OP and do talk it out with someone

@Snowscreen my oldest goes to bed around 9 and I usually either watch a bit of tv or can't be bothered and go to bed too as I'm usually shattered. Then in the mornings like now I should really be getting up but never seem to have the energy.

My average weekday is get up make breakfast and get packed lunches ready. Quick shower. Deal with any problems like lost shoes. Run youngest to breakfast club for 8 then straight to work where I grab a coffee before the day begins. Morning with a one to one then 40min break afternoon same as morning home pick up youngest from club at 4. Homework, cleaning make dinner, break up fights. Younger two go up to bed for 8 may be get up about 100000 times then oldest goes up I watch tv/fall asleep on the sofa or go to bed. It's pretty much the same every day. Weekends we go out for walks, visit my grandmother or sometimes when I've saved a bit we go to a trampoline park or swimming.

May have a look into holiday clubs. I think I just feel like no one wants to hear my problems and as it's been so long since we split they would probably think I should be over them by now. My family are very much a pull yourself together kind of people. I'm also very private so the thought of talking about what he did to me is not something I think I can do.

Have you got some headphones lying around? When you do the chores, listen to a podcast, music or an audible book.
I wake up earlier than the rest of the house for some headspace. I’m one of those people who needs coffee and silence in the morning, DEAD silence and a very large and strong coffee. Any attempts to mess with this have made them realise pretty quickly it’s REALLY not a good idea.
I make lunches and get everything ready the night before.
HTH

Do your kids help with the cleaning and dinner? Give them tasks to do.
They could even sort out lunches between them.

Get everything ready the night before so you don’t start your day off with extra stress with things like lost shoes.

I'm guessing your DC are at school? Is it possible for you to book a day off work, just for you? You can chill at home, go for a walk, go the cinema, whatever you want. I know it's not much, but it's something to look forward to.

OP works in a school, so I doubt A/L is allowed in term time.

I think you need your evenings free, without DC getting in & out of bed all evening to start things moving forward.

Get everything ready the night before so you don’t start your day off with extra stress with things like lost shoes

Yes & packed lunches before bed.

Meditate? Exercise? Both have saved me in the past

I find a massage is really good. Could you organise for the kids to go to friends/family and book yourself one of those? It’s a small start but a start nonetheless.

You could start them off being more helpful. All are plenty old enough to do chores. Breakfast - they could all get themselves a bowl of cereal and piece of fruit or toast. What are you making?
Make each put up,their clothes ready for the next day then no last minute panics for those lost shoes.
Also plenty old enough to give you time not sorting them out. They need to learn bed is bed and not give you the stress of continual traipsing down the stairs for no particular reason. Be a bit firmer about that.
Don’t tolerate playfighting or real fighting. A calmer household is good for everyone.
For you, coffee doesn’t help stress it makes it worse. Ditch the coffee in place of something else. Does your company have an employee helpline or counselling? Might be worth a call.
Get a family member to sit once a week for a specific purpose and do something where you meet and make friends - be that Zumba, book club, choir, or scrapbooking.

Could you talk to your grandmother when you visit? The older generation are very kindly/worldly .
How about on say Tuesdays can you send them all up to their rooms at say 7.30pm- and use that time to unplug yourself from phones/tvs etc and either listen to music whilst reading or listen to a meditation app? Sometimes the evenings had passed an I’d just mindlessly reading drivel on internet!!

I was you up until 2 an half years ago, full on full time job, kids, clubs and endless chores. I still feel like this most days tbh there never feels enough time in day.
My only saving grace was that kids went to their dads eow. I was then trying to cram in catching up with friends/social stuff and felt just as frazzled. Now my partner works that weekend too so I don’t organise anything and just do what I want to do.

I use the Headspace app. Usually you can use it for free for the first month and then they give you a code for money off the coat of 12 month's access.

Some of the programmes are very short, so you don't need to set aside acres of time. I get up a bit earlier and do10 minutes every morning, which is really helping my anxiety and stress.

What are the options for before & after school clubs?

I think you need a mate or two. Could the 13 yr old look after the others whilst you go to something close to home? I joined the WI (they are v variable but mine is brilliant) and have made tons of lovely friends. It's cheap and most of the events are over by 9.30/10PM.

If I am stressed it usually because I have stuff hanging over me that needs to be done - I find the best thing is just to crack on with it as I feel better once I've made a start.

Other thing is to get out of the house, even if it's just a walk round the block. Get the kids to walk with you!

I have been in a similar situation. I could not find time at all without children, without being at work and without being shattered. The only way for me to take me away from the stress of it all was a book. I made a list of areas I was struggling with ( can be things like opening up to others / organising my time / saying no / creating healthy boundaries) and looked into literature related to these. I hope this helps I can go into more detail if it’s of interest.

Thank you everyone. The children do help. My middle son is quite a difficult character and I don't feel it's fair to leave him with my 13 yr old as he's prone to violent meltdowns.

I will talk to family about helping more. My nan is probably not the best person to talk to as she's a bit of a worrier and gets upset easily of late.