Bullying at school ... a long time ago

[ashamedtoadmitthis]

How do you forget it? I’m nearly thirty and I’m still frightened to say boo to a goose . I was bullied daily for five years , ranging from simple name calling to being held against walls and having food thrown at me, drinks poured on me, tripped up. If we did cooking at school mine was thrown on the ground . Groups of girls used to have me against the wall shouting at me . The boys used to ‘dry hump’ me , in classrooms , corridors , the school bus or pin me down and fart in my face . I was groped numerous times to the point of bruising, used to stick hand down my top etc . Got it online in the very early days of social media , when out shopping , and even a bit when I started uni ten years ago ... I hated every second of school - never had proper friends . The girls I thought were my friends were laughing the second my back was turned . Used to hide away from people so I couldn’t be found at lunch. When I think about that now I start crying.

They even had songs and I still remember them too. The dry humping they did in class and made sexual noises whilst doing so ... you can imagine ... teachers just ignored it. Pastoral care said it’s what boys do and normal and I should learn to laugh ...

The school knew - teachers witnessed it numerous times and knew I was being laughed at , but it didn’t stop until I left at 18.

I can’t get over it . I feel it was all my fault somehow , that I am in some way totally inadequate and weird and not wanted , I was just a joke to everyone. I’m very unconfident and struggle to feel deserving of happiness .

I haven’t seen anyone from school in years and years and no desire to, so I can’t understand why it should still be affecting me so many years on. If I hear my name or a car horn I jump as I have an irrational fear they’re doing it to upset me . I don’t know how I can move on and have the life I know I deserve , deep down . I’m embarrassed to be an adult and still struggling with something that happened at school . I don’t know who or what could help? I used to think if Inknew why they did it I could sort it by changing myself , but I’m not sure if that’s the answer . It doesn’t happen now but then I don’t socialise much , so it can’t iyswim.

Would appreciate any help at all ... not sure why it’s playing on my mind just now .

I don’t think that level of harassment and abuse can be easily forgotten OP, and I’m so sorry you endured that. Some of what you describe is sexual assault. I think it would be very worth seeking counselling for this; I wish you all the best, sincerely.

I was bullied at school and it destroyed my life. I will never forget sitting in a classroom while thirty teenagers sang a song about me and made sex noises. That teacher sat and did nothing.

Uni was much better but it took me a long time to make friends. I was 27 before I kissed a boy because I didn't believe anyone really wanted to kiss me- I was convinced they were just waiting to humiliate me. I have a very small group of good friends and somehow managed to find DH.

I still struggle hugely with public speaking and will go in the other direction if I see someone from school.

I completely understand how difficult it is to form a good relationship (see being 27 before kissing anyone) but it greatly helped me.

I wish you so much happiness OP.

It was not your fault & the school had a duty of care to you! 💐

Ugh, how horrible for you OP and imaglammymammh it's disgusting, and I wonder what the parents would've thought if they knew what their kids were doing to you, if it were my children bullying someone like this I'd be mortified, furious, and extremely upset.
What they did to you was horrendous, if that happened now then the police would no doubt be involved.
Just know that it wasn't your fault, you didn't do anything to deserve it, I found from my own experience (which was nowhere near as horrific as yours) that kids are like pack animals, when they're together they're horrible, they all want to be part of the pack, they all copy each other.
Sorry if I'm rambling, just reading this has made my blood boil

I think counselling is the way forward, although part of me would want to find the bastards on fb and message them asking them what the fuck they thought they were doing.

I took up self defense classes and boxing. Every time I trained I imagined that I was beating them to a pulp.
Great therapy!

Reading your post has made me feel incredibly sad. How awful you had to suffer like that, I'm so sorry 

I would suggest seeing your GP and asking for some counselling. You may have to wait a while, but I think it's worth persevering as this level of trauma and abuse isn't something you can get over by yourself.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP.

A good therapist could help - do you have the means to pay for therapy? Faster than NHS lists.

Please remember you are a valuable human being, you are lovable and you are not a joke. It was not your fault.

I'm seeing a counsellor at the moment and the bullying I was subjected to at school has come up. They were evil little shits and tore my self esteem to bits. The teachers looked the other way too, it seems to have been a depressingly common approach. I'm probably still affected now as I struggle to make friends and have two failed LTR/marriage now. So don't underestimate how serious it is and maybe some counselling would help, I know it's helping me to make sense of life.

You were really let down by the adults in your life OP. I am so sad to read your story. Counselling would surely help and there must be lots of books out there that might strike a chord with you. You mustn’t be ashamed AT ALL about admitting that this still effects you - we are all shaped by our childhood and teenage years. Of course such awful treatment is going to still hurt now. I think about my own teenage years now, at 43. I wasn’t bullied at school, but I was by my dad, which affected how I made friends at school and shaped me in different ways.

I just can’t believe how none of the teachers stepped in and just how awful those kids were. Did your family know?

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope every one of those fuckers thinks of you every day and regret being such twats!

I was bullied from starting Junior School to when I left Secondary School. In Junior School it was mainly name calling & pushing, except for one incident that still gives me nightmares even now. One of the girls who was in my class was our teacher's niece, she was evil to me, she told me that she had heard her Auntie telling someone that my parents had been found unfit to look after me & that I was going to be taken in to care & I would never see them again, I was terrified for months afterwards & dreaded hearing a knock at the door for fear I was going to be taken away. When I started Secondary School to my horror I was put in the same class as all the girls who had bullied me & the bullying started all over again. As I got older the bullying got worse, it wasn't just name calling & pushing any more, I had my belongings stolen & damaged, I was beaten up on a regular basis, pushed downstairs, threatened, spat at, my parents complained to school but nothing stopped it. I had no self esteem or confidence, I spent breaks & dinnertime hiding, avoiding going to my form room, I hated school & my schoolwork went downhill, I started truanting & failed most of my exams. When I left school I started college but really struggled & eventually got kicked out, after 2 years on unemployment benefit I got a job.

Being bullied has affected me all my life, I still haven't got any confidence or any friends, I still avoid people. I've recently been diagnosed as having Aspergers which has helped as it's made me realise that I'm not an awful person, I've suffered from depression all my life & still have nightmares about the bullying. I wish I could meet the people who bullied me now & tell them exactly how much what they did has affected me & what I think of them.

I was bullied too. It began in primary school from one boy but the worst happened when I was at middle school. I had a group of friends and They turned on me over night. The worst ‘friend’ stole items that belonged to me when she came over to visit me at home one day. She tried to embarrass one of the boys she was friends with by saying I had a secret crush on him (I didn’t). Then she brought in nod of her toy dolls to school one day which was meant to be our (mine and this boy’s) baby. She just made herself look a complete prat. I think she was using the situation to gain popularity and I was an easy target because I was shy and quiet. My oldest child starts school soon and I am so worried they will end up being the target of bullies. At the moment my children are confident and happy-go-lucky. It would break my heart to see them go through what I did when I was at school. It definitely shaped who I am today. It’s had a lasting effect on me. I have never felt worthy of anything

That school failed you OP. So sorry to hear it's affected you as an adult.